THE PATH TO MY HOO (DOESN’T TAKE MUCH)

Yesterday Pathology came out in limited release. Fortunately for me, I live in New York City, so the term “limited release” doesn’t mean jack shit because we get everything. Haha! Suckers. Anyway, the promise of a horror movie plus an hour and a half of Milo without that vapid blond tramp he’s been hanging around with lately meant one thing: Hell Yes.

I imdb’d the movie before I headed out, just to see who else is in it. It’s a pretty cool cast. There’s the dude from Empire Records who’s now on CSI: Miami, the guy who played Benson’s might-be-a-criminal brother on SVU, the hilarious is-he-or-isn’t-he brother from Wedding Crashers and Alyssa Milano, who I always liked. She’s a pretty good actress, and she’s a baseball fan (the Dodgers, but she lives in LA, so it’s to be expected). She keeps a pretty up-to-date baseball blog which, if you’re a fan, you should check out: http://alyssa.mlblogs.com/. Also, Evil Parkman is in it! I didn’t realize that from imdb but I totally recognized him in the movie.

I am so sad.

There’s also a character named “Motherfucker.” Awesome. I’m there.

I head over to the Regal Theatre in Times Square and ask for a ticket, and am informed that it costs 12 dollars. Asphincter says what?! I bend over and give them my money and my soul.

I settle in with the three(!) other people in the theater. I’m really worried that the movie won’t do well and when Milo and I finally move in together, I’ll have to support him. As long as he pays his rent in sexual favors, we’ll be OK.

I get some forgettable trailers, and one that’s memorable because it’s for such a nauseating flick: The Sex and the City movie. That’s a hardcore NO. I am continually baffled by how many women are obsessed with that show. Ugh. Move on, please.

The movie starts- it opens with a woman using a dead body to fake an orgasm. Slightly disturbing- I like this movie. Some dude is like, “women never fake it with me.” Oh, please. They all have, buddy. They all have.

The first time we see the future payer of my child support, he’s making out with Alyssa Milano, and I mean making out. There’s like boob rubbing and everything. The movie’s been on for like five minutes and I’m already getting seriously turned on. Also, the first line in the scene is “Fuck me.” Right on, Alyssa. Right on.

Turns out Milo is a doctor, even though he looks like he’s 18. Most people might find this completely unbelievable, but my cousin is a 34-year-old neurologist who looks like he’s barely out of Driver’s Ed, so I actually thought that was kind of cool. Anyway, Milo’s character is about to start a residency and he’s leaving his fiancee (Alyssa) behind. As soon as he gets to the hospital, CSI dude starts shit with him. Probably because Milo is so hot and the other one is stuck on a show with shitty acting. Bitter much?

So the med students, as it happens, are all sick fucks that have this “game” where they kill people, and Milo’s character gets involved pretty quickly. Nice. We all knew that from the previews, though, so not too shocking. I also expected all the gory stuff- the autopsy scenes are pretty disgusting. There’s a lot of blood, and organs being thrown around, and shit like that. I like horror movies, so it didn’t really bother me, but anyone that doesn’t might want to stay away.

You also might not want to see this movie if you’re expecting to watch Peter Petrelli for an hour and a half. I mean, yeah, he looks like him, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end. By the time the movie’s over we’ve seen Milo kill people, smoke a cigar, get stoned on some weird drugs, make out with some lesbians, have a boatload of hot, kinky sex (complete with an ass shot- BONUS!), and get drunk and puke all over himself. That part wasn’t so hot. He also swears like a sailor. For some reason, that part was a total turn on. Why am I so weird? I basically sat in the theater like, “More shirtless scenes. Let’s go.”

You know it’s more than he gets in real life from his 9-year-old girlfriend. He probably takes her to a movie and her mom is like, “Have her back by 11! And here’s her paper bag lunch.” I doubt the bra’s even been unhooked yet. I’m just saying, he should be with someone closer to his own age. And who is not a tartlet. And who is me.

Ahem. Anyway. Back to the movie. The ending was kind of predictable, but still pretty good. That’s all I can say without giving it away. The bad guy turned out to be a total psycho- I detect a new boyfriend! He totally talks his way into the apartment, which is why I was thinking, “That’s why you need a doorman building,” but whatever.

Overall, my score is a 3.5 out of 5 (the extra .5 is for the ass shot, something we never get on Heroes. They should really look into that). I’m already waiting for the DVD, considering I’m technically single and this movie is HOT.

Fans of horror movies- see it. Fans of Milo- DEFINITELY see it. And thank me later. I like diamonds.

POWERLESS
Even though last week’s episode had one of those “To Be Continued” teasers at the end, this week’s ep starts with Mo returning to Brooklyn. Yeah, that’s fair. Mo takes out the case with the cure in it and prepares to use it on Fievel Face- maybe she’ll look like another animal once the cure sets in? I personally think meerkats are awesome. That show on Animal Planet is totally addictive.

Anyway, Mo comes home, and Sylar is sitting at his desk. He asks Mo what happed to his nose, but Mo isn’t interested in small talk; he just wants to know where Fievel Face is. Maybe she’s left the country, because there are no cats in America.

Sylar stands up as he tells Mo that Fievel Face is asleep, and Mo, unaware of Sylar’s lack of evil powers, backs off. He hilariously offers Mo breakfast, and Calisto appears with food that she’s made, all the while gushing about how great Mo is and how she’s read his book and couldn’t wait to meet him…blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up, you idiot. Mo tells Calisto that Sylar is a killer, but she says that she is, too, and needs his help.

Sylar tells Mo that he knows about the Shanti virus; that it takes away people’s abilities. Mo says that it does, but it also kills people. Calisto asks Sylar if that’s why his powers are gone, which elicits a death look from Sylar. God, she’s stupid. That’s when Mo takes out a knife, which prompts Sylar to draw a gun. Damn, this is hot. Calisto starts annoyingly babbling and Sylar tells her to calm down; then informs Mo that his blood cures everything. Mo protests, but Sylar tells him that he’s already discovered Claire, and that when their blood is mixed together, it can heal anything. Calisto finally realizes that Sylar is kind of a bad dude, and all of a sudden, it’s the return of the Obnoxious Black Shit. Mo falls to the floor, Sylar’s eyes go black, and Fievel Face comes out of her room with black eyes, and damn if she doesn’t look totally creepy. Calisto’s shaken by the appearance of Fievel Face, so she reins in the Black Shit and Mo says he’ll take them all to his lab.

Tonight’s episode title appears on a mirror in Peter’s apartment. Unfortunately, Peter’s not there. Nathan and Parkman are, though, and Nathan is staring wistfully at a picture of him and his brother, probably thinking, “Yeah, I could hit that.” The two of them are REALLY touchy-feely, has anyone else noticed that? Mother Creepy comes in and says kind of snottily, “I suppose I have you to thank for my early release from jail.” Wow. You’re welcome, bitch. Matt tells Mother Creepy that he knows that while she didn’t kill anyone, Adam Monroe did. He lets her know about Victoria Pratt’s death and shows her the picture with the Heroes “S.” Nathan asks his mother how long they’re going to suffer for her generation’s sins. Why do all these people have keys to Peter’s apartment?

Mother Creepy tells Parkman and her son that Adam wanted revenge on those who betrayed him, and that it’s done and Nathan should let it go. I hate when people tell me that. It’s right up there with “Relax,” and “Calm Down.” Nathan tells her that Peter’s alive, and Mother Creepy seems slightly thrown. Haha! Burn! Parkman tells her that Adam’s alive as well, and that he and Peter are working together to become the hottest supervillian of all time. Mother Creepy gives the ElderHeroes speech about how they were all trying to save the world, but it didn’t work, blah blah blah we’ve heard this shit before. She then goes on to inform them, and the viewers, that Adam had a different perspective on history and they all believed in him. She said that in the beginning, Adam wasn’t just locked away. “In the beginning, I helped him,” she claims. Hell, yeah! I’ll bet she “helped” him, if you get what I’m saying.

She then goes on to explain that Adam eventually decided the world “wasn’t worth fixing” and chose to release the virus instead. She claims that she realized how wrong it was, but Nathan asks if this is actually true. She says that only someone with Peter’s abilities can get to where the virus is held and this is why Adam chose him. I’d like to get to Peter’s abilities, and I’m not talking about the stuff he can do with his clothes on.

Mother Creepy says the virus is in Odessa, Texas, and Matt and Nathan look at each other like, “Let’s do this shit.” Mother Creepy tells them that the only way to stop Adam is a bullet through the head, which we all kind of knew anyway, and then thinks at Matt that they may have to do the same to Peter. Matt looks totally freaked out.

In, Odessa, Texas, we get a repeat of last week’s closer between Hiro and Peter, finally. Here’s what goes down:

Hiro freezes everything except Peter and they have their little verbal slapfight where they argue about whether Adam is evil or not. Hiro charges at Peter, who tries to electrify him, but Hiro dodges him by teleporting to the other side of the room. This is so X-Men. He tells Peter that Adam was his friend for a while, but then he betrayed him. Actually, Hiro, you stole his girl, so I can kind of see why he’s all pissed off. Boner-destroying can cause a hell of grudge. Anyway, Hiro goes after Adam, but Peter protects his new boyfriend by freezing Hiro with some TK.

Peter tells Hiro that Adam saved Nathan’s life, but Hiro informs Peter that Adam also murdered his father. Well, I say that’s a pretty impressive tit-for-tat there. You make the call. Peter tells Hiro that Nakamura locked Adam away for thirty years, and Hiro blinks and vanishes. Peter wanders around like a doofus to look for him, and Hiro appears, pressing his sword against Peter’s neck. Why am I getting so turned on by this? (“Because you’re a freak.” –Liana)
Peter is still pretty calm, to his credit, and tells Hiro about his excursion into the future, and about the virus. He says that it kills almost everyone and that he and Adam are going to stop it. That’s what you think, Peter. Peter grabs the sword and runs electricity through it and through Hiro.

Take me.

Anyway, um, yeah. Hiro and the sword fall to the floor. Everyone unfreezes and Adam walks towards Hiro and addresses him by name. Peter tells Adam that Hiro says he knew him and Adam confirms that they were friends a long time ago. Peter says that Hiro said that Adam shouldn’t be trusted, and Adam asks if Peter believed it. Peter just tells Adam, “Let’s go destroy the virus,” and walks off. Adam bends down and picks up Hiro’s sword.

The Bennet house. Princess Claire is going through her dad’s papers and comments that he left everything behind. Her mother can’t believe that she’s actually going to “tell the world,” but I believe it, because she’s a retard. Princess Claire thinks that if they killed HRG, they’ll never leave the family alone, which is actually a pretty good point. Her mother is worried that if her father couldn’t take down the Company, what makes Claire think she can, but Mrs. Bennet doesn’t realize that not only is Claire stupid, she’s also self-centered. Princess Claire tells her mom that she doesn’t get it- the Company only targets people with freak powers. Her mom tells Princess Claire that she’s still her daughter and she wants her to go to college and get married one day- but that won’t happen anyway, because Princess Claire is a skank. “What if they take you from me- use you in some lab experiment?” She asks. Princess Claire tells her mom she loves her, but can’t live in fear anymore. She continues to rifle through boxes.

We cut to the Company, where Blow is chastising his daughter for not performing the one task he asked her to do for him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t he asked her to do at least a few things over the course of the season? He tells her that Claire is nowhere near her league. Way to make your kid feel like shit. Veronica Mars reminds him that she’s been shot and therefore is underperforming, but this just leads to Blow telling her that she won’t be getting anymore field assignments. He tells her that he’s put work into raising her, and Veronica Mars protests, but Blow ignores her, so she pouts and leaves.

She enters HRG’s cell, where he’s bouncing a ball back and forth between him and the wall. Veronica Mars demands that he tell her exactly what her father did to her as a little girl, and my mind immediately goes to a very dirty place. I watch too much SVU. HRG just says that because of what they did to him, there’s not a lot of motive to share. Veronica Mars gets her electric blue crap ready and threatens to make him talk. HRG just looks at her as he bounces his ball and says, “You could try.” The way Jack Coleman delivered that line was so awesome. Tears appear as she begs him to tell her. “Please,” she says, “I don’t have anyone else I can talk to.” For the second time this season, I like where the writers are taking her character.

HRG explains: “They wanted to see how much wattage you could discharge.” He goes on to describe all the tests that were done to her and tells her that she would often pass out. He says that everyone wanted to stop, but her father wouldn’t let them. “You were seven.” Veronica Mars starts to cry. Blow enters the cell and asks what Veronica Mars is doing there, and she leaves. Blow tells HRG that Claire is becoming difficult, and HRG smiles. I don’t understand why Blow didn’t assume that HRG wouldn’t be happy about that, but whatever. Blow asks if Claire has access to any information that could expose the Company, and HRG doesn’t say anything. Blow says they’ll have to “take measures” to keep Claire quiet. Does that mean she’ll be written off? Please?

In New Orleans, Niki is pacing around the kitchen, clearly frantic about Micah. He runs in and tells her about the whole Monica-kidnapping story. Niki runs to call the cops, but Micah wants to save her themselves. He says Niki can use her superstrength, but she tells him she doesn’t have her powers anymore. She tells him about the virus, and says that Mo is on his way with a cure. Um, nope. Micah says they can still rescue Monica, so he tells Niki to drive.

We cut to a basement where a guard just randomly smacks into a wall. (“Excellent.” –Liana) Another guard does the same, and this sequence promises to be fairly awesome. Adam and Peter come around the corner, fending off another guard with Peter’s TK, as Adam takes on another guard with his sword. Green-screen rules. They continue to go through guards like I go through the sales rack at Nine West.

Peter and Adam continue to walk down the hall towards the virus as the alarm goes off. Adam tells Peter to take care of it and he shoots some electricity at it to blow it up. Sweet. This is by far the best scene of the season. Maybe the whole series, I don’t know. They come to a big safe at the end of the hallway and Adam tells Peter to use his brain to open it. Peter says he doesn’t have that kind of power. Peter finally asks Adam point-blank if he killed Nakamura, and Adam admits that he did, which, BTW, Duh, Peter! “He saw to it the virus be safely kept here,” explains Adam. “If he didn’t plan to use it, why not destroy it?” Hmm…I see your point. You’re still kind of mean, though. Hot, but mean. Peter says that Hiro told him not to trust Adam, who points out that the woman Peter loves is trapped in the future where almost everyone is dead. What? No, I’m not- I’m right here, watching him on TV! See, Adam’s a liar!

Adam leaves, having totally played the “trapped girlfriend” card, and Peter puts his hand on the door, which starts moving around and burning as Peter makes weird faces. I hope that’s not his “O face,” or I’m going to be really disappointed.

We return to Mo, who arrives at his lab with Sylar, Calisto and Fievel Face. Calisto is mad at Sylar because he’s not what she thought what he was. He never claimed to be nice, only naked. So he is what you thought he was, only not right now because he’s wearing pants. Sylar reminds her that he wants to get rid of her powers and he wants to get his back, and once he’s cured, he’ll be happy to take hers, too. Yes, please kill her. They all enter the lab and there’s a red light on the keypad that looks suspiciously like a camera. Whoops. Hope I didn’t give anything away.

Sylar gives Fievel Face to Calisto, who couldn’t take care of a plant, and grabs Mo, leading him downstairs. He realizes that he’s in Isaac’s lab and informs Mo, and viewers who don’t remember or who weren’t watching the show then, that he killed Isaac in this very spot. Mo says that he needs a sample of Sylar’s blood.

As Mo preps Sylar’s arm, Sylar taunts him about his father, saying that it’s “poetic” that Pop Suresh helped him find his gift and Mo is helping him restore it. Mo reminds Sylar that he actually murdered his father, but Sylar says that it was necessary, because Pop betrayed him. I don’t see how, but if you say so, Sylar. He warns Mo not to make the same mistake, and Mo roughly jams the needle into Sylar’s arm. I didn’t get enough warning to turn away, and my stomach does flip-flops. I seriously, seriously HATE needles. Sylar looks at his blood in the vial, and Mo looks up to see what is most definitely a camera in a smoke detector on the wall.

The Company. Veronica Mars is in her father’s office, rifling through files, and when she finds her own, it’s empty. Sucks to be you, Veronica Mars. You were a much better detective on your old show. Which I never bothered to watch. Anyway, she decides to check the video surveillances on the computer. She logs in and goes through several different locations until she gets to Mo’s lab. “Oh, daddy,” she says to Blow’s picture on the desk,” “You’re going to be so proud of me!” She logs out and leaves.

BTW, who keeps their own picture on their desk? Blow is a flaming narcissist.

In New Orleans, Monica is tied to a pole, watching as the Head Thief carries cans of gas over to where she sits. She begs the guy to let her go, but he ignores her. This seems like a pretty harsh penalty for just trying to steal a backpack which he probably assumes was hers to begin with. This dude is clearly nuts. He starts splashing the gas around and I’m thinking, “Oh, shit.” Monica takes her phone out of her back pocket and the camera cuts to Micah, who’s in the passenger seat of Niki’s car. It turns out he’s able to track Monica by using the GPS signal from her cell phone. Niki asks about this, and Micah tells her that he told Niki’s phone to find Monica’s phone. Then he tells the lights to turn green as they drive. Niki’s stunned at her son’s genius. Join the club, Niki.

Back at Primatech, we hear Matt’s voice telling someone to slow down, and Nathan and Matt fall down from the sky, Matt rolling off Nathan’s back. Matt turns to Nathan as they brush themselves off and says, “OK…we don’t talk about that EVER AGAIN!” “Agreed,” says Nathan. Those two have great dialogue together, although they’re not as gay as Nathan and Peter. I don’t care if they’re supposed to be related- my brothers don’t touch each other and get so close they look like they’re about to kiss. It’s just not natural.

Matt asks Nathan if he really thinks Peter is as dangerous as he was in Kirby Plaza. Nathan says that even though he hasn’t seen Peter since then, he’d trust him with his life. And also he’d bang him. Matt says that Mother Creepy told him to kill Peter if he had to. “Listening to my mother has never led to anything good,” Nathan tells him. “If Peter becomes a problem, I’ll handle him.” I bet. With one hand or two?

Matt and Nathan are interrupted by the arrival of Hiro- “Flying Man!” He calls out as soon as he sees Nathan.

Back at the Bennet house, Princess Claire is taping up boxes when her creepy boyfriend appears to stop her from telling everyone about the Company. Princess Claire’s not having it, because she’s only concerned with how this plan will affect her, and doesn’t give a shit about anyone else. Princess Claire thinks this is the only way to beat the Company, but Teeth tells her that this is not going to bring her father back. That was a low blow. Princess Claire takes out Teeth’s file and “hands” it to him- and by “hands” I mean practically smacks him with it- and tells him there’s no longer an “us” to be concerned about. He goes outside and flies away, and the effect is so hilarious that Liana and I actually burst out laughing at how sad he looks, just floating in mid-air. I am so glad his character is off the show. I hope it’s forever.

Mr. Muggles comes in and starts barking, and Princess Claire just kind of looks at him. “You’ll never leave me, will you, Mr. Muggles?” She asks him. Mr. Muggles kind of runs off, and Princess Claire rolls her eyes and turns back to the boxes. Haha! Not even the dog can stand her, and dogs aren’t even picky!

The front door opens and Princess Claire turns around to see HRG standing there. “Hello, Claire Bear,” he says, all serious. To her credit, she doesn’t faint, but it could also be because Hayden Panettiere can’t act.

At Mo’s lab, Calisto and Fievel Face are huddled in the corner. Calisto says that she wishes her brother were here, and Fievel Face says that she can find him. Calisto pulls out a picture that she just happens to have on her, of course, because she was in love with him or something, and Fievel Face tries to work her magic. She tells Calisto that her brother isn’t anywhere, so Calisto gets up and walks over to Sylar.

Over at the microscope, Mo finds out that Sylar and Niki have the same strain of the virus, which means that the Company injected both of them. Before Sylar can make any threats, Calisto comes over and accuses Sylar of killing her brother. Sylar gets this great look on his face, like, “You again?” He turns and shoots her in the chest, and I actually yelled out, “Yes!” in a room by myself. Sylar asks Mo where the cure-all blood is, and Mo pulls it out of his bag. Sylar realizes he had it all along and they never had to go to the lab. He tells Mo to give it to Calisto first, and if it heals her, he’ll take it, too.

The Bennet house. Everyone is pissed at HRG for lying and saying he was dead. He says it wasn’t his choice, and that it wasn’t a lie. Princess Claire says she saw him get shot, and HRG says that her blood saved him. Everyone starts talking at once until finally HRG tells Princess Claire that she has to cut it out with the whole “exposing the Company” thing. Princess Claire says that if they destroy the Company, the family will get their lives back. Um, Claire, I think he would know a little better than you. HRG says that the Company will take “preventative measures,” whatever the fuck that means, and that in order to keep them safe, he’s agreed to go back to the Company.

Princess Claire begs him not to, but he says she was right when she said this was all his fault. He says that he never meant to hurt her, then touches his wife’s hand and leaves. How come he ignored his son throughout all this? He was probably really sad, too. Blow is waiting outside, and HRG tells him that it’s done.

Back at Primatech, Peter is still working on the safe. As Peter’s nose starts bleeding, the door finally comes off. He instructs Adam to get the virus, but Hiro shows up, ruining the party again. He’s like the cop that shows up just after the j’s get broken out. Adam pulls out his sword, and sadly, it’s his actual sword and not a metaphor. Hiro launches himself at him, but Peter throws him against a wall and knocks him out. Adam tells Peter that unless he does something about it, Hiro will keep trying to kill him. Adam enters the safe as Peter TK’s Hiro up a wall.

Matt appears and thinks that Peter should let Hiro go and go after Adam instead, because Adam is using him. For sex. No, sorry, that’s me. For a second, this seems to work, but Peter quickly regains control and starts fighting back against Matt. They start thinking at each other over whether Adam is good or evil until Peter finally just TK’s Matt against a wall. This semi-evil Peter is even hotter than good, slightly stupid Peter. He could like, rip my clothes off without even busting the zipper!

OK, focus. Peter throws Matt down the hallway and tells him verbally that he’s fighting for the wrong side. Nathan appears and asks Peter if he’s also on the wrong side. Peter’s like, “Der?”

Outside the safe, Hiro comes to and teleports back inside.

Inside the safe, Adam opens a case. Hiro appears and tells Adam that he was his friend. Yeah, but now you’re not. So leave and let him go about his business. Adam tells him that he taught him how to become a hero. As they argue, the camera reveals that Adam is already holding the virus.

Outside the safe, Nathan tries to convince Peter that Adam is evil. Yeah, but have you seen him in tight seventies clothing? That trumps everything, my friend. He tells Peter that Adam tried to release the virus. Peter tells Nathan that Adam healed him, and he should be grateful. “He used me,” Nathan replies. That sounded hot.

Back inside the safe, Adam is spewing some bullshit about famine and wars and nothing has changed in 400 years. He says that when the virus is released, “those of us who are left will be granted a second chance, and I’ll be their hero.”

Outside the safe, Nathan tells Peter that Adam only healed him to get to Peter, and that he tried to manipulate him. Nathan tells him that that night in Kirby Plaza, he saved Peter because he believes in him. He tells Peter that he’s his brother and he loves him. I keep waiting for some homo porn.

Inside the safe, Hiro tells Adam that he’s not a god. That’s a pretty good costume, then. Adam says he should kill Hiro; Hiro says he should kill Adam, for his father. Adam holds the sword to Hiro’s throat. Outside, Nathan asks Peter if he can really trust Adam. I think we’ve already established that the answer is NO.

Drums start to play as Peter suddenly comes to his senses and runs toward the safe, followed by Nathan and Matt. Hiro puts his hand on Adam’s shoulder to teleport the two of them as Adam lets go of the virus and it begins to fall. We cut to Peter, Nathan and Matt, running toward the safe as the Chariots of Fire theme plays in my head. The virus continues to fall. Peter enters the safe just as the virus is about to hit the floor and Peter freezes it in mid-air. He grabs it. Nathan and Matt enter and ask where Hiro and Adam went. How the hell would he know? What a stupid question. Nathan tells Peter that he can’t be responsible for something that might happen and says that he has to destroy the virus.

Peter turns around, closing his hands around the vial, and light seeps through his fingers. When he opens his hands, dust forms the Heroes “S” and then disappears. Matt gets angry that they have to clean up their parents’ mess.

Nathan says that he’s right- that everything stops here and there are going to be no more secrets. He says they’ll take everything public and expose the Company for what they are. He suggests a press conference and tells Matt he needs his help to get people to listen. Peter makes a face, like, “But I thought I was your one and only! What the hell is this?”

First of all, dudes, a little advice. Considering you’re in a Company facility, you might not want to discuss your plan until after you’ve left the building. Also, you may want to check for, I don’t know, surveillance cameras.

Speaking of well-hidden (and by “well-hidden,” I really mean “in plain view,”) spy devices, we’re in Mo’s lab, where he’s attending to Calisto. Why? He administers the cure, and the bullet flies out of her chest. Sylar grabs what remains of the injection and gets up to leave, but Veronica Mars shows up. Of course, she yells out “Sylar!” first, so he has time to turn around and try to escape as she shoots her blue crap at him. He shoots at her, but he just breaks glass. He runs, but one of her bolts knocks him down. It doesn’t do much, though, and he runs off.

We’ve gone to New Orleans, which is what Mo should have done in the first place, and Niki and Micah are still trying to find Monica. Inside the building, the Head Thief sees Monica with a cell phone. He grabs it, ignoring her when she insists she didn’t call anyone, and he decides it’s time for the light show. He sets one of the comic books on fire and uses it to ignite the room as Monica starts crying. Outside, Micah sees the van and the guy that took Monica. Niki gets out of the parking spot and crosses paths with the van. She gets out, even though her superstrength is supposedly gone, and I’m thinking maybe some of it is still there. The Thief gets out and calls her a bitch, but she kicks him in the nuts. He drops his gun, and she picks it up and points it at him as she asks where Monica is. He tells her to go to hell, which, under the circumstances, is probably not the best answer he could have given. Niki uses the butt of the gun to hit him. It’s awesome. Micah yells to her that Monica’s trapped in the burning building and Niki tells him to call 911. She knocks the Thief out cold. Maybe she doesn’t need her powers.

She runs into the building and unties Monica’s hands. Monica asks how she found her, and Niki tells her, “Micah.” “Oh, I love that kid!” Monica says. Everybody does. Pieces of the building are falling everywhere, and one falls against the door, blocking the exit. Niki tells Monica that she’ll lift the beam as Monica pulls the door open. The plan works, and Niki tells Monica to go and that she’ll be right behind her. However, as soon as Monica gets out, Niki has to drop the beam and she’s trapped again. She looks for another exit, but she can't get out. Monica comes out of the building and Micah runs to her, and she pulls him away from the building as it explodes. Micah screams for his mom as Monica hugs him.

Holy shit! I hope they bring Niki back. They have to kill off her and not fucking Claire?

In Tokyo, Ando reads a magazine while walking through the office. I love the fact that he has a job while always appearing to do no work at all. Suddenly, he comes to Hiro’s cubicle, where Hiro sits with Kensei’s sword beside him. Hiro tells him he faced his father’s killer, and he can never hurt anyone again. We cut to Adam, who’s screaming from inside a coffin in the same cemetery where Hiro’s parents are buried. That is just genius. Dude’s been buried alive, and he can’t fucking die! That totally rules.

Back at Mo’s lab, Calisto awakens and tells everyone she thought she was dead. Yeah, so did I, dammit. Mo says that she was almost was. Thanks a lot, Mo. Veronica Mars comes back in and tells them all that Sylar is gone. No shit. Mo tells her that if she hadn’t arrived, Sylar would have killed them all, and she saved their lives. “Really?” Veronica Mars says. “Cool.” Heh. That was pretty funny.

At the Odessa police station, cameras are being set up for Nathan’s press conference. Nathan, Peter and Matt walk toward the podium and Peter tells Nathan that if he hadn’t listened to Adam…blah blah blah. Nathan grabs Peter’s shoulder and tells him that, hey, he listened to Linderman. How come that hadn’t been brought up before? He touches both of Peter’s shoulders and tells Peter that he was just trying to do the right thing and the guilt will eat him up if he lets it. Peter just smiles at him. “What” Nathan asks. “I just really missed you,” Peter tells him. “I missed you too,” says Nathan. Just make out already, GOD!

Matt puts the kibosh on any chance for brother-on-brother action when he comes over and announces that the press is ready for Nathan. We cut to Nathan, standing at the podium with cameras flashing as he introduces himself. He tells everyone that he was elected to Congress, but he’s since lost his position, his brother and his family. We see flashbacks of the scene in Kirby Plaza and Nathan arguing with Mother Creepy. He goes on to say that he lost his way as we see a rain-soaked Nathan arriving in Ireland. “But while I was gone, I had the chance to see the world through newly-humbled eyes.” We see Fievel Face and Mo hugging as Matt just stands there. “I witnessed amazing things.” We see D.L. rescuing the child from the burning house. “Seen ordinary people among us trying their best each day to be heroes.” We see a bunch of scenes from the past season.

Nathan goes on to mention “ordinary people” who can do “extraordinary things.” “But there are other people, organizations, who don’t want you to know the truth.” We see Blow and The Haitian. Nathan tells us that he kept secrets, and we see footage of him punching his Phantom of the Opera face in the mirror and then soaring into the sky.

“But then, last year, something incredible happened to me.” We see Nathan falling from the sky after Peter lets go, but then Peter comes back for him. “And it changed my life. At first, I was afraid.” Tell me you were not thinking, “I was petrified! Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side!” No one will ever be able to use that phrase again. It’s like the “Who you gonna call?” of the seventies.

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, Nathan continues, telling Odessa, and the world, that he’s not afraid anymore. “I’m here to tell you the truth.” He looks over at Peter. “I have the ability…”

Suddenly two shots sound and Nathan falls. There’s total chaos as Peter and Matt tend to Nathan. I see a naughty nurse costume in someone’s future! Peter calls Nathan’s name, but he doesn’t answer. Matt looks around for the shooter, but we can only see someone in a black coat, walking away.

There have been a lot of theories on this. A lot of people seem to think it’s HRG, and others seem to think it’s a character that we haven’t seen yet, to be introduced next season. A couple of people I’ve talked to even think it’s Mother Creepy, which is stupid because she wasn’t even there. I have no idea, personally. The figure looks too small to be HRG, so I don’t think it’s him. It could even be Veronica Mars. That could be interesting.

In New York City, Mother Creepy is watching her son’s assassination on the news. She’s on the phone as she turns off the TV and says, “I know. It was unavoidable. You do know that now you’ve opened Pandora’s box?” She doesn’t even look sad as she hangs up the phone. What a class act, that one.

End of Volume Two.

The title Volume Three: Villains appears on screen. We see Sylar in an alley somewhere, and I’m guessing it’s New Jersey- that whole place is a disgusting cesspool. He injects himself with the cure and his wounds begin to heal.

He decides to test out his powers, and he reaches out towards an empty can of spinach near a dumpster. Insert “Popeye” joke here. The can jerks and spasms until it finally shoots across the alley into Sylar’s hand. He smiles. “I’m back…”

Thanks to the writer’s strike, no more Heroes until September. How will we live???

TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES

This week, the writers don’t take pity on us by immediately showing what happened to HRG. Instead, they take us to a deserted, future NYC, where Peter is busy freaking out about Irish Setter. Then, suddenly, we’re back in the present, where Peter tells Adam that he was just in the future, and Adam is like, “What drugs are you on?” Peter shows him the flyer and explains about the virus, explaining that it’s called the Shanti Virus and it kills 93% of the population. You think I would get my classes cancelled for that? Peter asks Adam if that means anything to him.

Adam tells Peter about Victoria Pratt, who in 1977, recovered a virus from a girl named Shanti, who of course we all know as Mo’s sister. Adam pulls out the ElderHeroes photo, and I’m totally frustrated that we still can’t see Peter and Nathan’s dad’s face. I’m aware that this is part of a yet-to-be-revealed storyline, but come on!

Adam says that the Company ordered Victoria to turn the virus into a weapon. He thought they had stopped such research, but apparently, he was wrong. Whoops. Peter looks at the people in the photo and points out his parents, Linderman, and Charles Deveaux, and Adam tells him that everyone in the photo are the Company’s founders and they started all of this. Adam points out Victoria Pratt, and it’s the chick from Blade Runner. That’s awesome- Heroes really hit the mark this year with casting. Peter suggests they find Victoria and find out everything about the virus.

The Bennet house. The Mrs. has the gun her husband gave her pointed at Blow, who has an urn that seemingly contains HRG’s ashes. Psych, Bennet family! You’ve been punk’d! She tells Blow to get out, but he keeps going on and on about how HRG was a loyal employee and a good friend, blah blah blah…go fuck yourself. Blow says that HRG’s personnel file stated how to treat his remains, but the family is pretty pissed off. Blow claims he was just trying to help Claire use her abilities, but we all know that’s a load of crap. Blow puts the urn on a table and says that he’ll honor HRG’s wishes to give his family a normal life. Since he’s leaving them the urn, I have to wonder- whose ashes are in that jar? “My father is dead,” says Princess Claire, once again displaying her minimal acting ability, “there is no normal.” Mrs. Bennet tells her kids that they’re leaving that night.

Blow gets into his car with a waiting Veronica Mars, whose arm is still in a sling, and tells her to watch Princess Claire for the next 24 hours. Veronica Mars says that it would be easier if she hadn’t been shot, and Blow basically blames her. What a loving father. Blow might run the Company, but he also has no powers that we know of, and his daughter can electrocute him in the pool, so he might want to be careful with this whole “letting her get shot” deal. Just saying.

Tonight’s title sequence appears on HRG’s arm as he lies in a hospital bed with an IV in his arm. I just found out the dude’s fifty. Fifty. He looks pretty good for fifty. I mean, I’m not saying he’s hot or anything, but you can tell he’s not like, pigging out on pizza and cookies every night. I’m guessing he’s Hayden Panettiere’s next victim, after she gets tired of thirty-year-olds.

Anyway, HRG’s dead, and we get a mini-rehash of last week’s episode closer as he comes back to life. He calls out for Mo, who comes over and tightens HRG’s restraints. HRG says he remembers when Mo shot him. Yeah, that was pretty harsh. Mo tells HRG that Claire’s blood brought him back to life, and HRG gets all pissed that Mo betrayed him by coming after his family. HRG asks where Claire is, and Mo says she’s at home, and BTW, she thinks her father’s dead. Mo says the Company is going to use Claire’s blood to save lives, and he leaves, ignoring the fact that HRG is screaming after him. I kind of like Mo when he’s not such a pussy.

In New Orleans, Micah and his cousins are coming home. Micah tells Semenal Misfire how one of his comics could sell for six hundred dollars, but he doesn’t want to sell them. Of course, this is stupid to tell S.M., who is one of the most annoying little shits on television. Pity he has to be on a show as cool as Heroes. Monica asks why Saint Joan wears a hood if she’s one of the good guys, and Micah explains about the importance of having a secret identity. This kid is so cute with his obsession with comics and superheroes. He puts the comic in his bag. Uhura enters with Niki, and Micah runs to his mom and hugs her.

Niki and Micah go into the kitchen, where they talk about how much they’ve missed each other. He asks her where she’s been, and she explains about the Company, saying it’s a place that helps sick people. She sounds like she actually believes it. Poor, stupid Niki. He asks if Jessica still makes appearances, and she says no, but that she’s sick with something else. Greeeeeat. She cries as she tells him about the virus, and she swears she’ll get better. Micah tells her he’s going to give her D.L.’s medal for strength, and I wonder what more the writers can do with him to make him the best character on the show. He runs to get his bag, but it’s missing- we know S.M. took it. I have never wanted to punch a kid in the face so badly in my life, and I used to babysit in high school.

We cut to Sylar and Calisto, sitting on a blanket and grass, and I wish I had some grass to get me through this portion of the episode. He pours her some wine- hopefully spiked with arsenic- and says that they need to go see Mo to make her normal. There’s that word again. She says that once she’s normal, she and her brother can go home. I don’t know why she’d want to, considering they’re wanted for murder, but ok. Idiot. Sylar tries to convince her to stay with him and leave her brother so he can plow her ‘til next Tuesday, but Calisto says that her brother is the only one who can control her power. Sylar says maybe she can control her own power, which really means, “OK, then, how about just a handjob? Please?” Anyway, Calisto gets all freaked out and Sylar continues to bait her by saying she wanted to kill her brother’s wife and this is really her fault, and the black shit comes out and Sylar starts gasping and telling her she can control her power. “You’re killing me!” He tells her. Amen, Sylar.

Suddenly Calisto inhales and her eyes clear, and Sylar gets up. She hugs him and tells him he was right. Are they gonna make out? Gross.

In Tokyo, Hiro and Ando are in Nakamura’s office, packing up his things. Hiro is looking at the ubiquitous ElderHeroes photo as he makes plans to avenge his father’s death. Again with this shit? Ando asks if Hiro is sure that Kensei is the murderer, because how can someone survive for 400 years? Hiro speculates that if someone can heal himself, he can survive time, also. That makes sense to me. Hiro thinks that if Kensei’s lived forever, he’s probably left a trail, and he begins to dig through a box.

Searsmont, Maine. BTW, I just Google-Mapped this and it’s a real place. Adam and Peter are here, presumably to find Victoria Pratt, and there are guns. This can’t end well. Peter thinks they don’t need the guns, and they should just ask Victoria to tell them what she knows. Why is Peter such a gullible moron lately? And why has he had his shirt on this whole time?

Anyway, Adam doesn’t trust Victoria because she worked for the Company and they locked him up- and also Peter, which I guess they both conveniently forgot- so Peter offers to go in alone, with no weapon. That’s a great idea, Peter, hope you don’t get killed!

It looks like Victoria Pratt is gardening when Peter finds her, and she asks him if he’s lost. She’s not very friendly, but I have to assume she’s not used to getting visitors, so she probably assumes that Peter’s either a phone-book salesman or a Jehovah’s Witness. Then again, if a salesman who looked like Peter ever showed up, I’d buy whatever he was selling, if you get what I’m saying. Peter says he’s looking for Victoria Pratt and she says she doesn’t know her, to which Peter responds, “you worked for the Company.” Her response is to pull out a shotgun, which, really, what did we expect? Nice going, Peter, you dumbass. Anyway, he doesn’t look that shocked as he begins to tell her the effect of the Shanti virus. When will Peter learn that in order to get into a stranger’s house, all he has to do is take off his clothes? He tells her that a year from now, 93% of the world’s population will be dead, and Victoria asks, “Time traveler?” Although the look on her face clearly states that she’s actually thinking, “Naked?”

Peter doesn’t confirm or deny, instead telling her the virus she created killed billions of people. He tells her that he needs her help. She pumps the gun and tells him to get inside. Hell yeah!

We cut to Hiro and Ando, who are trying to piece together Kensei’s past. Hiro finds a photo of his father as a younger man with Adam next to him, and when he turns the photo over he sees the names of his father, Adam Monroe, and Victoria Pratt. Ando says he’s seen the name before, and pulls a file out of another box. He hands it to Hiro, who discovers that it’s from November 2, 1977, and it’s an order to lock up Adam that’s signed by Nakamura. Hiro, who apparently has learned nothing from fucking with ancient Japan, decides he must go back to that day. He disappears, and Ando sighs, “not again.” Ando’s turning out to be some great comic relief.

Hiro teleports himself to Primatech, 1977. As he appears in a hallway, alarms are going off. A loudspeaker announces that there’s an evacuation in effect, and Hiro sees his father with Adam, who’s being restrained by guards. David Anders looks hot in seventies clothes. That samurai uniform did not do a body good. Hiro’s father is angry that Adam has betrayed them, Adam argues that he was trying to save the world. Nakamura wants to know if this includes releasing a virus that could kill billions of people. Nakamura orders that Adam be taken to lock-up and then deactivates the alarm. He enters a room and asks the woman inside if she’s all right, and we realize that the woman is Victoria Pratt. She says that Adam was looking for Strain 138, which she holds in her hand. Nakamura thanks her for saving everyone, and asks for the vial. She hesitates, but hands it over. Nakamura says that the virus will be locked away in Odessa, Texas, but Victoria insists that the vial be destroyed. Nakamura says that the other founders would never allow that, and Victoria says that Adam had help. Nakamura only says that she should take a few days off before coming back to work. That wasn’t like, suspicious or anything. Victoria refuses to be a part of all this crap and leaves. Hiro teleports back to 2007.

Back in Maine, Peter has Victoria’s house with her gun at his back. Why she doesn’t take that opportunity to force him to strip and perform an interpretive dance is beyond me. She says that she figured that someone would be coming after her, considering the ElderHeroes are being picked off like grapes on a vine. The camera pans to a desk scattered with clippings about the deaths of the ElderHeroes and Mother Creepy’s bogus confession. Victoria says that Peter looks like his mother. Actually, he kind of does. If you put him, Adrian Pasdar and Cristine Rose in a room together, they look like they could all be related. It’s much better casting than Matt and Evil Parkman.

Peter claims he knows nothing about the deaths and the last time he saw his mother, it was in 2008, and only 7% of the population was alive, thanks to the Shanti virus. He explains about the Setter and how he swore to protect her- I must have missed that episode. He’s known this chick for like, ten minutes. Victoria tells him he’s looking for Strain 138 and says, “if it were ever released, it would kill us all.” Um, hi? I think we established that a while ago.

A few minutes later, Peter walks down the driveway where Adam is leaning James Dean-like against the car. Peter says that Victoria told him about the storage facility in New Mexico, and Adam gets all confused and starts to tell him there is no storage facility there as Victoria shoots Adam in the chest.

Peter is all shocked, but Victoria tells him that all she needed to know is that Peter is “working with him.” She shoots Peter too and he even looks hot when he falls. She stands over Adam as he heals and says that she’s going to blow his head off, because “that’s the only way to be sure,” but before she can take a shot, Peter appears and punches her in the face. Adam gets up and thanks him; they take her into the house.

The writers decide to piss me off and get back to the Wonderless Twins. Wifebeater is in a dingy motel room looking at a newspaper article when Calisto bursts in without knocking, probably hoping to see him naked or something, and tells him that she can control her power because of Sylar. Ask me if I care (I don’t). Apparently Wifebeater doesn’t either, because the article he’s reading is about how Sylar murdered his mother. Calisto doesn’t believe him, and Sylar comes in and asks what’s going on. Wifebeater tells him, only he tells him in Spanish, so Sylar is like, “What the fuck?” He asks Calisto, and she tells him about the article, which Sylar confirms, only he says that it was an accident, which is sort of true.

Anyway, Calisto says she understands why Sylar killed his mom. Wifebeater can’t understand this, because he’s a murderer. “I’m a murderer!” She tells him. She’s got a point. Calisto tells Wifebeater that Sylar understands what she’s going through- interesting how she’s so quick to jump to his defense after she’s almost made out with him. Then again, I saw him in a sleeveless shirt, so I’m kind of on board with that.

Wifebeater tries to get his sister to leave, but it’s obvious that she’s totally into the whole Sylar-Is-Really-Hot deal, so she says she’s staying and she doesn’t need him anymore. Calisto claims that Wifebeater hates her because she killed his wife, even though we know he hates her for the same reason we all do- because she’s annoying, and an idiot. Wifebeater says that wasn’t her fault, but actually, it kind of was, and he leaves. Sylar hugs her and smiles creepily at the wall as he says he’ll “take care” of her. I hope that means killing her, but we’ll see.

We’re back in Maine, as Adam ties Victoria to a chair. Bondage? Hot. Peter asks why she lied about the virus, and Victoria says that he’s with Adam, and they’re trying to release it. Right, but she didn’t know that at the time, so that doesn’t explain much. Anyway, Peter says they’re not trying to release the virus, he’s trying to destroy it, and Victoria says that thirty years ago, Adam tried to release it, and now he wants to do it again, and I just said do it. Yeah, I don’t have a lot going on.

Adam tells Victoria that he broke into the Company to save the world and Victoria realizes that he’s been causing the deaths of the ElderHeroes. Adam insists that they’re trying to save lives, not kill people, but hello, we all watch the show! Anyway, Peter blindly believes Adam’s crap, even when Victoria guesses that Peter is a killer, too, just like his parents (“Ooh- burn!” –Liana). Peter tells her that Adam helped him escape the Company and save his brother’s life, but what she’s doing will kill a whole bunch of people, and asks her again where the virus is. She tells him to go to hell, but he uses his Matt Parkman mind-reading power and finds out where it is anyway. He couldn’t have just done that from the beginning?

Peter tells Adam that the virus is in Texas, and Victoria freaks out. Adam moves behind her, and I start to feel all funny, like when I first started sex ed in junior high. She yells at him to get away from her, but Adam tells her they’re not hurting her, “we’re letting you go.” He does, and Victoria grabs the gun, which has been conveniently placed directly within arm’s reach, and tries to shoot Peter in the head. Instead, Adam shoots her and she falls. Peter tells Adam he didn’t have to kill her, but Adam tells him, “She was about to take your head off. There’s no coming back from that one.” Hmmm, foreshadowing? Peter leaves and Adam steps over Victoria’s body, pulling the ElderHeroes photo out of his pocket. “If anyone survives,” he tells the body,” “I’ll tell them I couldn’t have done it without you.” He runs his finger through the blood on his chest and uses it to mark her picture with the Heroes “S.” He drops the photo next to her and the whole thing is truly fucking gross. Meanwhile, Victoria has no reaction, because she’s dead.

Back in New Orleans, S.M. has a bloody nose, and unfortunately, it’s not from me punching him. Uhura is asking him about Micah’s bag, and S.M. says that some kid told him that he could find out how much the comics were worth. The kids fight and Micah gets in a punch before Niki pulls him off. Micah tells S.M. that his dad’s medal was in the bag and S.M. says he’ll get him a new one. Is he retarded? Micah asks S.M. if he’s also going to get him a new dad, which invokes a reaction from both Uhura and Niki. My heart breaks for this kid. I seriously want to kick his cousin’s ass. S.M. actually apologizes but Micah shouts that he hates him. Uhura tells S.M. that she’ll get him cleaned up and then they’re going to call the police and tell them everything. They leave.

Micah tells Niki and Monica they don’t need the police; that they could be heroes. That’s a great song by David Bowie. Niki pulls him aside and explains that they’ve discussed this. Micah says they need to be heroes, “like Dad.” Niki says that that was got D.L. killed, and that the medal is gone and she’s sorry. They hug as Micah looks at Monica.

We leave New Orleans and head over to the Wonderless Twins and Their Useless Existence. Sylar is packing up to leave when there’s a knock at his door. It’s Wifebeater, and he thinks there’s no way Sylar’s leaving with his sister. Sylar says that if Wifebeater insists on being so persistent, he’s just going to have to kick his ass. Well, maybe that’s not exactly what he said, but you get my point. “I’m taking my sister!” Wifebeater wrongly thinks in English. He tries to punch Sylar, but it turns out Sylar is a lot stronger than him- who would have thought? Actually, everybody. Sylar flings him off, and Wifebeater goes down next to the bed, where Sylar just happens to keep an incredibly scary-looking knife, which he proceeds to use on Wifebeater until Calisto knocks on the door.

The camera swings over to outside the motel room, where Calisto is annoyingly knocking and calling Sylar’s name. The door opens and Sylar appears, soaking wet and wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. I’m sorry, is there dialogue going on? If I thought the sleeveless shirt scene was hot- holy shit. Yeah. Wow. OK, then. (“Am I supposed to say something right now? I forget.” –Liana) I can’t even come up with something hilarious.

So, um, anyway, Sylar is naked. And there’s water. And I’m having trouble typing. Calisto can’t keep the look off her face and I’m pretty sure I can’t either. Sylar says that he didn’t hear her with the water running, which forces me to think of him in the shower. These writers really don’t want me to pay attention to the show, do they? So, yeah. He asks her if everything’s OK as I pray, not particularly silently, for the towel to fall off, and my TV is HD. OK, focus. There’s a plot. Yes, a plot. Sylar partially closes the door, probably to hide the dead body next to his bed. Bed. He’s still in a towel. Stop! OK. Wow, that towel is small. So, um, Calisto says that Sylar was right about everything, and that she is choosing him over her brother. Sylar touches her face and says he just wants to help her. She tells him he’s done that as they kiss. Sylar closes the door. Damn, that is a small-ass towel. God, please change this scene.

When I asked for the scene to be changed, I didn’t mean “change it to Claire.” Teeth appears to see Princess Claire unpacking a box. “Your mom said you were leaving tonight,” Teeth narrates for us, in case we were all stuck on the Sylar-Towel scene and forgot that Claire was moving. Princess Claire looks at him briefly, then turns away. She tells him that even though she’s been injured more times than she can count, “this hurts more than any of that, and it’s not getting better.” She tells him her plan to find the Haitian, who can make her forget she ever had a dad in the first place. Teeth says that “forgetting isn’t the answer,” and Princess Claire says that she just wants to tell her dad how sorry she is. Or, you could have not been such a bitch in the first place.

Micah is in bed, but he isn’t sleeping. Monica enters, dressed all in black, which Micah questions. Monica tells him that she knows what it’s like to lose someone you love and brings up her mom’s piano and what she would do to someone who stole it. She tells him that she knows where the kids live who stole the backpack, and if he stays out of the way, she’ll help him get D.L.’s medal. I can’t help but think that is a supremely stupid idea. Monica tells him to be quiet as they sneak out of the house.

Back at the Company, Mo and Blow are watching videos on a computer. Mo says that Claire’s blood can defeat the virus because they have “fortified his antibodies,” whatever the hell that means, and Blow congratulates him. Mo reminds Blow that he promised the research would stop, and says that he’s been researching the Company. Blow says that he hopes that means Mo would understand that they need to get rid of dangerous peoples’ abilities. Mo hands him the file for Strain 138, and demands that Blow help him destroy it. He agrees, but why does that sound like a lie?

In New Orleans, Niki’s cell phone vibrates. Mo is on the other end, and he tells her they found a cure and that he’ll be there on the next flight. She’s ecstatic and goes to find Micah, but- oops!- he’s gone.

He and Monica are outside the house of the Comic Book Thieves, and whatever Micah is doing with his cell phone is letting him know the house is vacant and it’s OK for them to break in. Monica says she almost knows how to break in, and looks at the iPod that she got from Mo in The Line. She’s watching a scene of some dude climbing up a porch, and then she says, “Got it. I just wish it wasn’t so bright.” Micah responds by putting his hand on the streetlight and blinking, and the lights go out. The two of them are awesome. The whole family is like The Incredibles, only on TV.

Monica puts on her head, and Micah tells her she’s Saint Joan. She tells him to stay there and she’ll be right back. Why do I have such a bad feeling about this? She runs across the street, jumps over the fence and climbs over the balcony to get into the house. It’s pretty awesome. She turns on her flashlight and immediately finds the backpack, but as she sees it, headlights approach- it’s the Thieves. She gathers the comics and medal, puts them in the bag, and finds a hiding spot. The Thieves come in, discussing the fires that they get paid to start. Nice guys.

They make their way up the stairs, and we see that Monica has pinned herself to the ceiling with the bag hanging from her arm. One of the comics falls out and hits the stairs. I knew that was going to happen. The Thieves look up at the ceiling and see her. They pull their guns, but decide to drag her outside instead. Micah sees this, and Monica looks at him as if to say, “Stay away from this.” One of the Thieves hits her in the face and they throw her in the back of a van. They shut the doors and Micah runs.

HRG’s “funeral.” Princess Claire stands on some rocks with the urn in her hands and I wonder how badly her non-acting skills will fuck this one up. Her mom, Lyle Mr. Muggles and Teeth are all standing behind her. Why the fuck is Teeth involved in everything in this family’s life? He’s known all of them for like, a month. Princess Claire cries and apologizes to her father as she empties the urn into the water. Water. Like in showers. With towels. Dammit! OK. Anyway. Princess Claire returns to her family and her mom tells her they have to leave immediately. If you ask me, it would have been more appropriate for his wife to spread the ashes, but this unfortunately meant more screen time for Hayden Panettiere, so whatever.

Princess Claire walks over to Teeth and hugs him, and that’s when she sees Veronica Mars, just sitting in her car, drinking what looks like one of those 7-11 drinks. Or an iced coffee. Whatever, they’re both gross. Veronica Mars realizes she’s been caught and tries to hightail it the fuck out of there, but her driving hand is injured, so Princess Claire closes in on her. Her drink falls into her lap as Princess Claire gets closer, and she gets an “Aw, SHIT,” expression on her face. It’s pretty funny, actually.

She gets out of the car as Princess Claire confronts her and tells Princess Claire that she came to watch the sunset. Princess Claire pushes her up against the car and Veronica Mars yells out, “Watch who you’re shoving, POM POM!” That was pretty funny, too. When Kristen Bell isn’t playing her as some weird, sex-starved psychopath, Elle can be a pretty good asset to the show.

Princess Claire threatens to tell the world “what they did,” but Veronica Mars says that no one would believe her. Princess Claire says that she’ll just have to show them, and punches her fist into the car window. She puts her hand right in Veronica Mars’ face as the cuts heal, pushing glass out all over the ground. I gotta admit, it’s pretty cool. Princess Claire tells her, “Once the secret’s out, you won’t be able to touch me or my family. You’ll be the ones running.” The scene ends with Princess Claire and Veronica Mars nose-to-nose. It kicked so much ass that I almost forgot about wet, naked Sylar. I said almost.

Mo is in a cab, on his way to see Niki. He pulls the case with the needle and cure out of his bag and his phone rings. Sylar’s on the other end, and my concentration immediately goes down the drain. Mo asks Sylar where he is, and Sylar says that the babysitter is taking the night off and that he’s taking good care of the little one. Has he made use of the shower in Mo’s apartment yet? God, what is my problem?

The camera pans to Fievel Face, who’s sleeping right next to Sylar as he brushes hair off her face. He tells Mo that there’s someone there who needs his help, and Calisto smiles at him like he doesn’t seem like a child molester. He hangs up the phone.

We cut to Ando, asleep in Nakamura’s office. Hiro appears and wakes him up, saying that he knows what Adam wants- it’s a virus that’s being kept at Primatech in Odessa, Texas. “Where we tried to save the cheerleader?” Ando asks. Ha- a reminder of Season One and how much better it was than this season. Hiro explains that if he doesn’t stop Adam, everyone will die. He says that he must avenge his father’s death and save the world. He disappears as Ando wonders aloud, “Why is saving the world always your responsibility?” You know, that’s a really good question.

Primatech, Odessa, Texas. Peter and Adam enter and Peter says that this isn’t exactly the ideal place to store a world-destroying virus. Adam says it’s not really a paper company (“Duh, Peter, you retard!” –Liana), and that the real action happens three floors down. Good to know; I’ll meet them there later with the KY. Suddenly, everything except Peter is frozen, and he looks around, confused, to find Hiro. They acknowledge each other, and Hiro informs Peter that Adam killed his father and “for that he must pay.” Peter tells him that he can’t allow that, and Hiro tells him, “then you have chosen the wrong side.” Hiro takes out his sword, and Peter brings on the electric blue crap. This is getting homoerotic. Peter again tells Hiro, “I can’t let you do that,” and the two prepare themselves for a fight. The Heroes “S” on the sword fills the screen. To Be Continued…

CAUTIONARY TALES
This week’s episode opens on the Bennet family, who are all packing up to move. Everyone, that is, except Princess Claire, who in true Princess Claire fashion has to piss and moan and ruin everything for everyone. Her Majesty enters the scene in her ugly Costa Verde cheeerleader’s uniform, which sparks outrage from HRG, who informs Princess Claire that they’re moving, in case she forgot. Princess Claire insists that she’s not going, and I seethe with rage. Someone needs to smack this girl across the face. HRG tells her to get upstairs and take the uniform off, and there’s another “You’re the bad guy.” “No, YOU’RE the bad guy!” argument between the two of them. I’m getting really bored of these. Princess Claire accuses her father of kidnapping Teeth, and her whole family is like, “Asphincter says WHAT?”

Her Highness tries to leave, and when HRG tries to stop her, she taunts him by asking him to tie her up. Whoa. I mean, I know she goes for older guys, but this getting a little too Showtime for me. HRG even has some duct tape on hand, which is even more disturbing. Mrs. Bennet just orders the Princess to go to school and say goodbye to her friends and then come home and start packing. Yeah, that’ll work. Before she leaves, Princess Claire looks pointedly at her dad and says, “I hate you.” Snot-nosed brat.

We travel to Japan to attend Hiro’s father’s funeral. The episode title appears on two headstones as Hiro gets up to speak, but instead of delivering a eulogy, he walks off. Ando follows him, and Hiro tells him that he has to go back and find out who killed his father, because apparently he didn’t learn anything from fucking with the 17th century. Hiro blinks his eyes and winds up on the roof during the Nakamura/Mother Creepy conversation. He darts off to the side so they don’t see him and eavesdrops. Smooth.

Matt and Mo’s apartment. Matt’s looking at a photo of the ElderHeroes and they’ve all been identified, except for one woman. Fievel Face comes in and says that she didn’t have any nightmares that night- probably because she and Matt are sleeping underneath the same big sky. Matt makes her breakfast and she looks at the photo, asking what it is. He tells her it’s a puzzle and she offers to find the people in it, but he says no. He tells Fievel Face he wants her to be a normal little girl, but that’s impossible because she looks like a cartoon mouse. They hug, and Fievel Face suddenly agrees to be normal. Her eyes open and it’s way creepy. Matt thinks at her that she should come back to the table and finish her cereal, and she does. Holy shit, that would be an AWESOME superpower.

We go back to Costa Verde, but thank God, Her Royal Whine-ness is nowhere to be found. Mo and Blow appear to be in the pool area of some hotel. Blow mentions “taking out” HRG, and Mo, who’s no fool, realizes that Blow means “killing” him. Mo says that he’s not choosing sides, and understands that using Claire’s blood as a cure is the right thing for everyone, whatever the hell that means. Blow says that Mo is a good guy; that’s why he’s getting a partner- that’s when he introduces Veronica Mars as his daughter. How many of us are surprised?

Veronica Mars makes some comment about Mo’s broken nose, which is kind of rude, and Blow questions whether she’s been working on her gun skills. Call me crazy, but she’s the last person I’d trust with a gun. Veronica Mars glances at Mo and says, “Hey Fight Club- get a load of this.” She uses her finger like a gun at a drink sitting on a table and the electricity that shoots from her hand shatters the glass. That’s kind of awesome, even if she is batshit nuts. Also, how cool is it that I coined a character name months ago that they’re now using on the show? They probably didn’t steal it from me, but still.

Across town, Princess Claire is building something with rocks that I probably don’t give a shit about. Teeth shows up and asks what her “deal” is, even though he’s the one that deserves a restraining order. Princess Claire insists that she really does care about him, and that she’s “just a cheerleader,” which is slang for “moron.” She says that if she told him the truth about her dad, it would have driven him away. She does have a point, there. She says that her family is moving, but she’s staying for him, even though she’s known him for like, thirty seconds. He doesn’t believe her and flies away, and we see that she was actually spelling out “SORRY” with the rocks. That would be kind of sweet if I cared about her. Or Teeth. Or if this were a believable storyline.

New York City. Matt is at the police station, on the phone with the FBI. His boss hangs up the phone for him, which is extremely rude, but also quite the icebreaker. He asks why Matt’s conversing with the FBI, and Matt says that he’s trying to get more info on Nakamura’s murder. He says that he doesn’t believe Mother Creepy’s confession, but Chief Asshole wants the case dropped. Matt says that this group of people was involved in some sort of organization and pulls out the photo, and we see the whole group. Matt mentions his father, and the Chief tells Matt he’s too personally involved. Suddenly Matt remembers what happened with Fievel Face, and mentally tells his boss that he should give him a day to work on the case and talk to Mother Creepy. The Chief agrees.

Back at the Bennet house, HRG finds a picture of twelve-year-old Teeth in his files, and I finally see the connection between his Heroes gig and his part as Larry in Election. Mrs. Bennet sees it and asks him if he really did the things that Claire accused him of. HRG says that he thought he was doing something good- yeah, I can see why he’d think that bagging and tagging was helping to save the planet. Go Green!

HRG shows his wife the picture and says that Teeth can fly. He then shows her the paintings, including the one of him getting shot in the eye, and he tells her he doesn’t believe that he’ll really be shot, which of course is a bold, stinking lie. He tells her that Claire won’t leave town because of this kid, and he at least wants to talk to him to find out if there’s any way to stop the murder from happening. He takes his wife’s hand and tells her he needs her; she pulls away to take Lyle to school. Burn.

After his wife leaves, HRG calls Mo to ask if Fievel Face can help find Teeth. Mo says that he can do it and HRG hangs up. Mo then enters a hotel room to find Blow and Veronica Mars and tells them that HRG just called him and that he’s looking for Teeth. Thanks a lot, Traitor. Veronica Mars gives Mo the gun. Mo refuses to kill anyone and says if they don’t do it his way, he’ll tell HRG everything. Yeah, that’ll work. Blow tells Mo about LHO and how HRG killed him in Odessa as Veronica Mars sexually assaults Mo in the background. What is it with this chick? Can’t she just buy some porn? Blow agrees to Mo’s plan, but I’m pretty sure that’s a lie.

Back on the Roof, Hiro watches the argument between his dad and Mother Creepy. Mother Creepy bolts, and Hiro stupidly runs out to talk to his father. He explains about the time travelling, and tells his father about the impending murder. His father tells him not to fuck around with fate, but Hiro reminds his father that he once felt just like Hiro does now. He puts his hand on his father’s shoulder and transports him back in time.

At the Bennet house, HRG is headed out the door when his wife asks where he’s going. I guess women are kind of nosy. HRG vaguely explains that there’s “something” he needs to do. He opens the door as Teeth grabs him and flies into the air, asking HRG if he remembers him at all. Teeth really wants to know about Claire, and HRG says that she really does care about him even though the dude is a borderline criminal. They finally land, and HRG is lying on top of Teeth like a scene out of a really bad prison movie. HRG tells Teeth that he’s taking the family out of town, and Teeth needs to tell her to leave. Hey, HRG- I’d like to tell her to leave. Hand me a meat cleaver and I’ll get right to work.

HRG’s cell phone rings and it’s Mo, who tells him that Teeth is at the corner of Verbena and Palm. They’re actually at the corner of Ocean and 4th, so HRG knows that Mo is a big fat stupid liar, and he tells Teeth that Claire is in danger and that he needs his help.

At Claire’s school, Princess Claire gets called away from cheerleading practice by her coach. He introduces her to Blow, who lies that he wants to talk about what happened with her, Teeth and the thirty-five-year-old head cheerleader. He and Princess Claire walk off the field together, but she freaks when he calls her “Bennet” instead of “Butler” and she runs home.

Again we’re faced with a Peter-less episode. Liana and I are very upset.

At the corner of Verbena and Palm, Mo and Veronica Mars are waiting in the car. He asks whether she’s killed a lot of people, and she tells him that’s none of his business. Actually, it sort of is. He says that he wants to talk to HRG before Veronica Mars just kills him, and she agrees. HRG shows up and asks why Veronica Mars is there, and Mo says she’s just trying to solve the mystery of the meat in the cafeteria. Mo apologizes for lying, but then says he only needs a few minutes- he’s here to ask for Claire because they need her blood. He says that Claire will be returned safe and alive, and HRG is like, “Scusemewhatthefuck?” The two of them argue back and forth until Mo pulls out the gun and tells HRG to drive.

Princess Claire runs into the house and sees her dad’s computer with the death painting on the screen. A hand grabs her shoulder and she screams, but it turns out to be her mother. Her mom tells her all about Blow and says they have to leave. Princess Claire asks about the death painting, and her mom says that HRG thinks it’s actually going to happen. Blow appears with a gun and explains that Isaac Mendez painted the picture, and that he could paint the future. He looks at Mrs. Bennet and says, “Good to see you again, Sandra.” It turns out Blow was the Regional Manager for Primatech- or so they say. I’ve been a manager, and I never got a gun. Then again, I never managed a super-secretive evil company like the one on Heroes.

Mo and HRG get to some alley and exit the car, the gun still trained at HRG’s head. HRG asks who Mo’s partner is, and Mo has no idea what he’s talking about. HRG explains that Company policy is for everyone to have a partner. Veronica Mars appears from behind a van and HRG mutters, “Elle.” She perkily replies, “Hey you!” The way she said that line really annoys me for some reason. I think it’s just because she annoys me. Electric blue crap flies around her hands, and both she and HRG look up as Teeth swoops down and tackles Veronica Mars. They roll around on the ground and she gets knocked unconscious. Good, maybe she’ll shut up for two seconds. Mo points the gun at HRG, and we all see the death painting in the back of our minds, but then HRG punches Mo in his busted nose and grabs the gun. He points it at Mo’s face and makes an awesome speech about lies and betrayal. “How’d you think it was gonna end?” He asks. “Nobody’s taking my little girl!” He kicks Mo in the gut. I still don’t understand why everyone loves Claire so much. Oh well, it makes for good TV.

HRG comes home to find his wife duct-taped to a chair. So the props department found some use for that after all. I prefer that they give it to me to use on Peter, but it doesn’t look like he’s making an appearance this week, dammit. Anyway, HRG removes the tape on his wife’s mouth, and she tells him that Blow took Claire. HRG doesn’t seem too worried, because he hates Claire, just like the rest of us. And also, because he has collateral. Teeth walks in with Veronica Mars slung over his shoulder, still unconscious. He brings Veronica Mars into the house and HRG asks his wife if she packed Mr. Muggles’ doggie bath.

The camera then shows us Veronica Mars’ feet, shoved into a tub of water. She’s been tied to a chair with leashes, which could be kind of a turn-on, if Veronica Mars were a dude. A naked dude. HRG sprays her with water, and she wakes up. He tells her he needs to speak with Blow, and she refuses. He sprays her again, and when she tries to use her electric blue crap, it only works on herself. I got to hand it to HRG, that’s a pretty cool plan. I mean, he could have just shot her or something, but this one uses more CGI.

HRG tells Veronica Mars that he knows all about her ability; he was there when her father started testing her, back when she was just a normal little girl. She denies that her father would ever do that to her, but HRG claims that he “led the charge.” Veronica Mars doesn’t remember that- what do you bet the Haitian was involved? HRG says that he never wanted his daughter to become like Veronica Mars and says that he wants to make a trade with Blow: Princess Claire for Veronica Mars.

HRG calls Blow and says that if Blow touches his daughter, HRG will kill his, “and then I’ll kill you.” He tells Blow to meet them at the Imperial Beach in two hours. Blow tells Princess Claire that her father disappointed him- he thought HRG would be loyal to the end, which he has, only not to them. Princess Claire tells Blow to take all the blood he wants, just leave her father alone. This is most likely a mistake, seeing as how she won’t benefit from this in any way and therefore doesn’t care about the outcome.

We’re now in Tokyo, seventeen years in the past at Hiro’s mother’s funeral. Hiro explains to his father that he’s brought him there so that his father will understand his pain. Nakamura says that his wife’s funeral was the saddest time of his life, but it doesn’t change what must happen. Hiro claims that it does. Nakamura orders his son to bring him back to the present time, but Hiro refuses and runs off, and in doing so bumps into himself as a little boy. Young Hiro points a sword at himself and says that he’s Takezo Kensei. Knowing what we know now, I feel kind of bad for the kid. Young Hiro asks Hiro why his father is painting his mother’s grave, and Hiro says that the husband and wife’s names are carved into the stone, and his father is painting his name red, which is a promise to join his wife later. After the husband dies, the paint will be wiped off the stone. Young Hiro says that he’s a superhero, and therefore won’t let his father die. Hiro tells Young Hiro to listen to his father and learn from him. Hiro goes to his father and admits that he was childish and that he will take his father back to his death. I like this story a hell of a lot better than the one from 400 years ago.

At HRG’s house, HRG thanks Teeth and tells him to go home. Yes, PLEASE go home. Teeth tells him that he’s the best way to get Claire out of danger. Uh, how, exactly? This kid is 16 years old and weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet. I’d really like to hear whatever plan he has.

HRG tells Teeth to wait in the car, and Mrs. Bennet tells her husband that girls tend to find boys just like their dads. HRG inquires whether this is because Teeth can fly. “Her real dad,” Mrs. Bennet says. “You.” That was the best line in the episode. I got choked up a little. Shut up! I do so have feelings! HRG gives his wife the gun, and she says nothing’s going to happen. Hayden Panettiere must be really thankful that the heavy, dramatic scenes are being done without her so she doesn’t have to showcase her dismal acting.

Up on the roof, Nakamura says goodbye to his son. He tells Hiro that he’s proud of him, and Hiro tells his father to give his love to his mom; then he disappears. They both get teary, and so do Liana and I. Damn you, writers! Next week’s episode had better have people falling down a flight of stairs and landing in pudding, or something equally as hilarious.

We then get a re-enactment of Nakamura’s murder, only this time, we get a close-up of the bottom half of the killer’s face. I kind of think I know who it is, but I don’t want to put it down on paper because if I’m wrong, I’ll look like a jackass. Ando appears with the sword that Nakamura requested, and Hiro freezes the action, telling his friend that while he can’t save his father, he can find out who the murderer is. He pulls the hood back and sees the face of Kensei, and I was so right! Someone buy me a drink! Or six.

In the present, Matt is visiting Mother Creepy in jail. She doesn’t appear to be wearing her prison coat, which is interesting- I thought that was her jail uniform. Anyway, Mother Creepy tells Matt that if he visits her one more time, she expects him to make an “honest woman” out of her. Ech. That thought is both disturbing and unnatural. Matt says that he’s there to make an honest woman out of her. I cringe until I realize that by “honest” he just means “tell the truth.” Oh. OK, then. She then belittles him for trying to read her mind, but realizes that his mind control is working on her. She gives it up that Adam killed Nakamura, and explains why they locked him up thirty years ago. She also says that Adam stopped growing old and is now going after all the ElderHeroes. He then points to the unidentified woman at the top of the photo and asks who she is. Mother Creepy’s nose starts bleeding as she refuses to tell Matt the woman’s identity. She says that she promised the woman never to reveal who she is and says that if Matt forces the secret out of her, “you’re not just like your father, you are him.”

We swing over to the beach, where the daughter exchange is taking place. HRG, Veronica Mars and Teeth are in front of HRG’s car and HRG asks Teeth what kind of car he drives. Teeth claims that he has a piece of crap SUV. Dude, when I was your age I was carting around in a six-year-old Toyota when the other kids were driving Jags. Quit yer bitching. HRG says he drove a 1952 Citroen when he was Teeth’s age, and Teeth says, “those things are awesome.” They really are. That would have been a nice bonding moment if we didn’t suspect what was coming.

Mo and Blow pull up in their sinister black van and Blow and Princess Claire step out. HRG takes that opportunity to basically lay out their entire getaway right in front of Veronica Mars! Come on, man! First dude leaves his prints everywhere and now this? He’d never make it on Cops!

Blow un-cuffs Princess Claire and she walks over to the guys as HRG pushes a tied-up Veronica Mars towards her father. Teeth grabs Claire and flies upward, but Veronica Mars shoots some blue crap at them and they fall. Claire lands first so she can save Teeth and regenerate, and unfortunately she doesn’t crack her skull open. HRG shoots Veronica Mars in the arm, but really, he pretty much told her the plan, so what did he expect? Blow calls out for Veronica Mars and runs toward her, giving the first ever indication that he feels anything for her, and HRG informs Blow and Veronica Mars that if Blow dies, the Company dies with him. He aims the gun at Blow, but Mo shoots HRG in the eye as the painting’s prophecy comes true. Princess Claire tries to run towards her father, but Teeth grabs her and flies away.

Teeth and Claire arrive at the Bennet house, where Princess Claire tells him that the last words she ever said to her father were that she hated him. She goes inside to tell her mother as Teeth watches them both cry. Is it me, or did he really not deserve to be there for that? That’s kind of a family moment, you know?

Hiro’s father’s funeral. He refuses to give the eulogy because he doesn’t want to admit that his father is actually dead, and he really lives on the advice he gave his son and the lessons he taught him. Hiro continues to speak about his father as Mo looks down at the gun that killed HRG. Veronica Mars is driving with a bandaged arm. Blow gingerly touches the arm, but Veronica Mars doesn’t look like she’ll be taking him out to a Father’s Day dinner any time in the near future.

Hiro tells us that certain things are in God’s hands and other things we get to choose. Matt looks at the photo and we see that the unidentified woman is named “Victoria Pratt.” Hiro continues to speak about his father as we see him wipe the red paint off the headstone. Mrs. Bennet sits on the kitchen floor as the dog jumps into her lap. Hiro says that as long as his father’s lessons stay with him, his father can never really die.

The scene changes and we see blood dripping through an IV that leads to an arm that turns out to be HRG. His left eye is a hole that’s actually pretty gross, and his right eye is glazed over and filmy. It’s like monster movie lite. The blood travels through his body and his eyes regenerate. He comes to life and bolts upright, and he (and we) realize that he’s back at the Company.

“Holy Sh--!”

FOUR MONTHS AGO

Tonight the episode opens with one of Mo’s voiceovers. Somehow, they’re much more effective as a closer than an opener. This week, Mo tells us about our ability to remember shit and celebrating our triumphs and we should be warned about mistakes. Meanwhile, Peter runs around, trying to go Back to the Future. Whatever, Peter- take off your shirt.

He reads over the note from Adam, even though he doesn’t remember who the hell this Adam dude is, and that’s when Kensei/Adam appears, looking way hotter than he did when he was a sloppy drunk being lectured by Hiro. Adam realizes that Peter’s memory loss means that he’s been in contact with the Haitian.

Adam thinks the solution to Peter’s forgetfulness is self-healing, which sounds vaguely pornographic- I think the solution is a night of hot love. With me. Studies show that’s a 97% cure, and no, I can’t show you any proof, so just trust me. Anyway. Peter sees his photo of him and Nathan looking like they might be a couple of fairies and Adam tells him, “His name is Nathan.” Peter begins to remember.

Four Months Ago (hence the clever episode title). We see the scene from May’s season finale where Nathan and Peter save the world and Liana and I miraculously manage to stay totally dry-eyed like we didn’t do the first time. OK, not totally. Damn you, writers!

We follow the two of them into the sky and Peter begs Nathan to let him go. Nathan yells, “You go, I go!” and I’m still racking my brain trying to remember what movie that was from. Was that Titanic, where he tells her to jump? I kind of wanted her to. Nathan’s flesh peels grossly away from his face as Peter explains that he’s using his powers not to explode, so he can’t fly like Nathan. I’m confused- I thought Peter was all powerful. I guess he’s too busy concentrating on being incredibly hot to have, like, eight different superpowers.

Peter then lets Nathan go, even though Nathan yells after him, and he finally explodes. And even though the scene is supposed to be completely about the Petrelli boys, the camera still pans down to Claire and her dad watching the sky. God, go away Claire. Nobody loves you. Nathan falls through the sky when Peter appears, completely regenerated, and rescues him from splattering on the pavement. You know, my apartment’s got a balcony, if they’re looking for a spot to drop by. I’m usually in the shower around 10.

Roosevelt Hospital in NYC, where Micah is asleep in Niki’s arms as she watches the news. A doctor tells them that D.L. is going to be fine, which probably means that they’re going to save his death scene for later and it’s going to be really sad, and I’m going to cry AGAIN. Was I really mean to one of these writers in high school or something? Why do they do this to me?

Next we cut to the Dominican Republic, where the Wonderless Twins refuse to go away. They’ve only been around for like, six episodes, why the fuck would I care what they were doing before then?

Anyway, remember how I keep saying that the Twins are a little too incest-y? This storyline just proves me right. We see them at Wifebeater’s wedding; turns out he’s only known his wife for four months. That’s real genius right there, especially since he sees nothing wrong with the fact that his slut bride invited her ex who she’s totally slow-dancing with. Also, Wifebeater and Calisto are dancing together. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Oh, sorry, wrong show.

So they get in a fight and Wifebeater walks off before he can spot the new love of his life (besides his sister) go off with her ex. Calisto goes off to cry somewhere and runs into the wife doing her ex in some dirty shack. Calisto starts screaming and the ex (current?) runs over and physically threatens her. I like this dude. Calisto says she’d rather see this skanky cow dead than married to her brother and the black shit comes out and I think we all know what happens next. Calisto calls out for her brother and leaves the shack, and she freaks out when she finds out that the whole town is dead. Wifebeater comes over and she tells him she killed everyone; then she freaks out and runs away.

Back in NYC, Peter brings Nathan to a hospital, and Liana and I get into a heated debate about Peter’s old hair versus his new hair and which way he was hotter. We finally come to no conclusion and just wait for the shirtless scenes. A nearby cop notices that Peter’s clothes are covered in smoke, but his body remains untouched, which I volunteer to fix. Anyway, Peter doesn’t like that he caught the cop’s attention so he turns invisible and reappears somewhere else in the hospital, but quickly gets shot down by Veronica Mars and her five jillion watts of electric blue crap.

The title “Four Months Ago” appears on a solid black screen, which fades into a close-up of Peter sleeping. I can only make sounds. Veronica Mars is playing with his hair as Peter wakes up and she shoots more electricity at him. He asks where he is, and Blow tells him he’s in a safe place. Yeah, right. Peter asks about his brother, and Blow tells him that while doctors are working on him, it doesn’t look good. Then Peter asks who they are, and Blow says that he’s an “old friend” of Peter’s parents. Veronica Mars mentions his powers, and she won’t stop touching him. It’s really irritating, and her character pisses me off. This is also the episode where I found out that Kristen Bell is also on Gossip Girl, which has nothing to do with anything; I just thought I would point that out. Looks like she’s hit the goldmine when it comes to job offers.

Blow says that Peter’s a danger to everyone when his powers control him instead of the other way around, and Veronica Mars says that they’ve turned his powers off for him, courtesy of the Haitian. Blow then introduces Peter to the Research Facility where he’ll be staying while they “help him” control his powers, and it ain’t exactly a five-star hotel, if you get what I’m saying. Peter learns that thirty years ago, the Company had to stop their research on a vaccine that disabled powers like the ones Peter has, but the research has recently been re-established, and the Company believes that they’re close to finding a cure. Peter agrees to this, and Veronica Mars hugs him like he’s a doll or something.

Mother Creepy is visiting her son in the hospital. She appears to be worried about him, but we all know this is impossible because she never displays emotions. Nathan asks for Peter as he regains consciousness, and his face is totally burned and gross. Mother Creepy lies that the Coast Guard is searching for his brother and tries to stop Nathan from looking at his own reflection, but he does it anyway. He sees his Phantom of the Opera face and is like, “DAMN.”

We cut to elsewhere in what I assume is the same hospital, because NBC isn’t the number one network and probably can’t go filming willy-nilly all over the City. Niki is visiting D.L., and a doctor (quite rudely) cuts into their reunion and calls Niki outside. She walks into the hall, and I really wish the camera hadn’t showed her feet because OH MY FUCKING GOD! (-Liana) I thought her sateen pants were bad enough, but SILVER COWBOY BOOTS? OVER THE JEANS? They were shiny, too. Like, blindingly shiny. What the fuck, Niki? This is probably the worst wardrobe I have ever seen on any TV show, ever. Ali Larter should have gone back to her whipped cream bikini; it was ten times better than those monstrosities.

Ahem. Anyway, Niki tells the doctor that they don’t have insurance, but the doctor says that someone’s already paid the bill, and Blow steps out of the glaring light caused by Niki’s hideous boots and introduces himself. The doctor conveniently leaves, and Blow tells Niki that neither Linderman’s death nor Kirby Plaza were mentioned in the morning paper. “Who the hell are you?” Niki asks. Blow says he can help Niki with her illness and explains that he knows about Jessica and her split personality. Niki insists that Jessica is gone but Blow tells her to consider other future personalities (uh-oh! Foreshadowing!). Blow says the Company can help, but she has to leave her family. That sounds like a fair trade, don’t’cha think? Niki basically tells him to go fuck himself, but Blow offers her medication she can take while staying at home. However, he says, there are side effects. Niki cries as she weighs the alternatives.

Back at the Company Facility, a cup filled with pills sits in front of Peter as Veronica Mars does a pretty decent job cutting his hair. I personally don’t know why he needed a haircut, and I realize that even though he looks really (and I mean really) hot this way, I do like the old hair slightly better. Peter learns that he has to take the pills every day, and I get a little uneasy on his behalf- judging from the way she can’t keep her hands off him, that cup probably holds a roofie cocktail. Veronica Mars electrifies his skull and Peter yelps. She tells him he’ll get used to it, “and then you’ll start to like it.” Kinky.

After she leaves, a voice calls out to him from the next room, and we discover that Peter’s locked up next to Kensei/Adam Monroe (I’ll just call him Adam- too much typing). This is like, the hottest prison ever! It’s like if Oz were porn!

A month passes. “Three Months Ago” appears on the screen. It’s Micah’s birthday, and Niki looks on like a zombie. Micah wishes for his whole family to fight evil, like the Fantastic Four minus one, and D.L. says that he wants to be a hero to his son without using his powers. He tells him that he just got a really good job that will make Micah proud, and he gets ready to take his son bowling. He finds Niki, who hates that she’s all zomb-ified, and he tells her the meds will take some time. He leaves with Micah and Niki drops the pills down the sink. Ooooh.

Back at the Company, Peter still hasn’t told Adam his name. I just call him “SexyBack.” And Front. Peter wants to be left alone, but Adam says that gets real old, real fast. He says that Peter’s probably been through something really bad and he’s sorry for that. Peter gives in and the guys introduce themselves.

Two Months Ago. Veronica Mars comes in and Peter says he’s not in the mood, but she tells him she just wants “a little one” and that she’ll give him a bigger dose. This scene has serious sexual overtones. She shoots electricity into his hands and he pulls back when it starts to hurt. Veronica Mars hugs him and it’s really creepy.

Peter takes the pills and remarks that he doesn’t know anything about her after two months. She comments that she liked him better when he just laid there. Images flash through my head and I have to cool myself down. He presses, but she won’t say anything. Finally, he turns away, so she tells him- when she was six, she accidentally set her grandmother’s house on fire, and when she was eight, she caused a blackout in Ohio in four counties. On her ninth birthday, she had an IV of lithium stuck in her arm. That sounds sweet!

Veronica Mars goes on to tell Peter that she’s lived in the Company Facility for sixteen years, and that shrinks diagnosed her as “a sociopath with paranoid delusions.” Awesome! She leaves, and Adam warns Peter to stay the hell away from her, saying, “I caved in a desperate moment six years ago and I’m still paying the price.” Whoa. What do you bet that “price” is way worse than herpes and crabs mixed together? Bet he’s happy he can regenerate all of his parts.

Peter says that all he wants are the drugs, and Adam says that they’re lying about the whole “fixing you” thing. Peter says that the Facility helps people with powers, and Adam’s like, “Uh, no, dude, not exactly.” He tells Peter to try to leave if he’s so sure it’s not a prison. Peter’s like, “Well, now that you mention it…”

Back at the hospital, Heidi is in Nathan’s room when Mother Creepy appears, looking especially vampirific. She wants to leave Heidi and Nathan alone, but Heidi follows Mother Creepy into the hallway, saying that Nathan told her everything- the bomb, the flying, the car crash, etc. Heidi claims that she thinks it’s due to the pain meds, but you can so tell that she kind of believes it. It would be kind of stupid if she didn’t; I mean, she lives with the man, she had to have occasionally seen some weird shit.

Mother Creepy starts touching Heidi in a totally disturbing way and tells her that Nathan has “delusions of grandeur” like his father. At first I was like, “What is she, like a lesbian or something?” but then I remembered how she used to touch Peter and Nathan all the time and I realized that this is probably her power- she can brainwash people by touching them. That would be totally cool. And also she scares the crap out of me. She rubs Heidi’s head like she’s a little pet and tells her to keep Nathan’s “condition” a secret, and Heidi nods.

We go to Vegas, and Niki’s apparently lost the boots, but in their place has gained a revolting jacket in some mysterious, disgusting fabric. Thankfully, this appears to be mandatory apparel for a new job, as she’s practicing her “buy a car” speech in front of a mirror. D.L. enters the room and wishes her luck, and says that he’s happy the medication worked out for her. Wrong and wrong again. He leaves to take Micah to school. Niki’s reflection begins to talk to her from the mirror and says that D.L.’s going to find out that she’s not taking the pills. Niki tells Jessica to go away, but the new personality turns out to be “Gina,” who Niki apparently dealt with when she was younger and ran away to L.A. one summer. Niki insists that she’s in control, but “Gina” asks why she’s not taking her meds, and Niki is trapped behind the mirror while “Gina” throws off the jacket and presumably sets off for Los Angeles. Cool, maybe she can visit my dad while she’s there.

At the Company, Peter is trying unsuccessfully to get Blow to let him out to see his family. Blow leaves, and Peter asks Adam why they keep them there. “Because we’re dangerous?” “No Peter, “Adam replies, “because we can save the world.” Adam tells him that his blood has the power to cure, so he tried to “take [his] abilities public” and that’s why he’s locked up. He says he can’t be killed, but he can cure Nathan. Peter’s interested, and asks how they can get out.

We cut to D.L.’s new job- he’s a firefighter, and he phases through a wall to save a little girl. He’s showered with praise, even though people seem to think it’s weird that he PHASED THROUGH A WALL. Later, Micah sees the fire on TV, and he rushes to congratulate his dad, who asks where Niki is. Micah says she hasn’t come home yet- they couldn’t have gotten a babysitter? I mean, the kid’s only 11. Anyway, D.L. knows something’s wrong, and he goes upstairs to see “Gone to L.A. C ya!” in lipstick on the mirror. He figures that Jessica’s made an appearance.

One Month Ago. Veronica Mars comes into Peter’s cell to give him his meds and immediately turns to leave, but Peter stops her and asks for a jolt of electricity. She moves closer, and he pulls her onto his lap and tells her that he likes their blue crap sessions almost as much as he likes her. Then he makes out with her. Whoa. I mean, he’s hot and all, but first The Setter and now Veronica Mars? Peter’s kind of a manwhore. Anyway, I hope that jolt that he just got through kissing her is just the electricity and not, like, gonorrhea of the throat.

He gets off his cot and takes his pills, and she goes over to him and presses up against his back, asking if he’s had enough fun. You can tell she totally wants to do it. I wouldn’t, considering what happens when he just kisses her. Anyway, he just smiles at her and hands her the empty cup. She leaves, and he takes the pills out of his mouth and flushes them. He then tells Adam that he’s been off the meds for five days, and therefore it’s time to try a prison break. I hope they don’t spend too much time on that plotline- that show sucks, and the premise is retarded.

Peter phases through the wall, and tells Adam that it’s nice to finally meet him. “You know,” he says, “for 400 years, you’ve held up pretty well.” I’ll say. Damn, David Anders is hot. I hope the writers don’t put these two in too many scenes together, because I can already feel my head starting to spin. “Come on, let’s go heal your brother,” Adam says, and they phase through the wall together.

We cut to Venezuela, and I’m annoyed, because I forgot we even saw the Twins today and I was happy. Calisto is a nun now. What the hell? Wifebeater wants her to come home, apparently. Ha ha! He brought cops! Dude, that’s cold. Calisto throws a hissy fit and the black shit comes out and all the cops die but Wifebeater stops it and the black shit disappears. Then they run away and I still don’t give a crap.

L.A. Instead of showing my dad’s place, we’re in some skeezy club where Niki/Gina is doing blow. What is with the costume designers and putting Ali Larter in shiny outfits this week? Her top is disgraceful. D.L. shows up and finds Niki with some dirty coke dealer, and he grabs her and calls her Jessica. The coke dealer tries to interfere, but D.L. says that she’s his wife and shows Niki/Gina a picture of them with Micah. The dealer picks a fight, but his hand phases awesomely through D.L.’s head and he hits the dude in the stomach as “Gina” dissipates and Niki re-emerges.

Niki and D.L. start to run out of the club, but the dealer has other plans and shoots D.L. in the stomach. D.L. dies as he and Niki declare their love for each other. I KNEW that I would get all upset! Sometimes I hate this show.

Three Weeks Ago. It’s D.L.’s wake, and Monica and Semenal Misfire are there. S.M. asks Micah if he can play with D.L.’s Medal of Valor. Does this kid have no shame? I hate him. Fortunately, Monica smacks him. Uhura comes over and asks Niki if she’s going to be alright. Niki replies that she needs help, and Uhura offers to provide it for her. D.L.’s family totally rules. Blow is there too, and they share a mutual nod, as if to say, “Sorry you’re such a fuck-up.”

Peter and Adam are at Nathan’s bedside. Adam says that he’s taken care of plane tickets and money, and now he’s going to cure Nathan. Peter apologizes to Nathan for letting this happen to him, even though, hello, Nathan kind of forced him to in the greatest show of soft-core homo porn ever- for me and Liana, anyway. Adam injects his blood into Nathan’s IV, and Nathan starts to heal immediately. Adam says they have to leave because the Company is probably already looking for them, and Peter sees said picture of him and Nathan and grabs it before they hightail it out of there.

Once they leave, Peter chucks the frame and Adam hands Peter a plane ticket and passport. The Haitian and Veronica Mars appear and Adam tells Peter where to meet him in Montreal. The two split up and Veronica Mars shoots them both with electric blue crap, knocking Adam to the ground and setting Peter’s jacket on fire. Peter gets up, stripping off his clothes, and it’s about fucking time. I was getting antsy waiting for the shirtlessness. Veronica Mars tells the Haitian to go after Peter while she chases Adam.

Peter jumps over a fence and winds up in some weird alley filled with what appear to be barrels. He runs right into the Haitian, who’s put a hold on his powers, so he can’t do anything to save himself. The Haitian hits him in the chest and he flies into an empty barrel. They have a pretty weak fist fight until the Haitian handcuffs him (“Good lord, I can’t control myself!” –Liana) and Peter is locked into the barrel. Peter says that if he goes back to the Facility, he’ll keep escaping, and The Haitian says that he’s not taking him back because Mother Creepy helped him when he was in need. But- that’s impossible! She’s EVIL!

The Haitian removes the necklace with the Heroes “S” symbol from around his neck and gives it to Peter, saying he must start a new life, saying that his secret is safe with him, then reaches out and destroys all Peter’s memories of who he is.

Holy crap, I was not expecting that. The Haitian rules.

Mo’s voiceover. Something about giving our “fragile existence” meaning, or something like that, as Mother Creepy enters Nathan’s hospital room. He’s standing at the window, completely healed. She doesn’t look surprised at all.

Present day. Calisto and newly-hot Sylar and their gross romantic storyline. Niki thanks Blow and leaves the Facility.

Mo’s voiceover tells us something about holding dark with light and good with evil. Nathan shows up at the pub in Ireland, but of course, Peter and The Setter are already gone. The voiceover says that this dichotomy is what makes us human.

In Montreal, Peter finally remembers everything. “Shall we save the world?” Asks Adam. Peter answers with a smile.

I can’t wait for next week.

OUT OF TIME

This episode begins in ancient Japan, which is awesome because this means my snack time comes early this week. Sweet- I totally have the chance to raid the gift basket of Godiva chocolates my dad just got from his broker that I “borrowed” from him when I went to visit last week.

Anyway, Kensei’s still pissed about Hiro and Yaeko, so he’s keeping them and Mr. Yaeko in some tent while Yaeko pleads for Hiro’s life. Just between us chicks, Yaeko, you might want to try NOT playing favorites after you cheat on the dude who is clearly not the one you want. Kensei’s just like, “Yeah, I’m thinking no. And also, I’m going to change history.” Then he just leaves, drunk on power. Or sake, I’m not sure which.

Odessa, Ukraine. HRG is stealing paintings- you know, for future reference. Anyway, we finally get a glimpse of the one we couldn’t see in last week’s episode, and it’s of Peter standing in front of what appears to be a window with a backwards biohazard sign painted on it. One of my friends listens to Biohazard, and he’s always wasted. Coincidence? Maybe. HRG calls Mo and asks if the Company’s issued him a gun, and Mo is like, “The fuck?” HRG explains about the paintings. Mo claims he doesn’t have a gun, and HRG asks him to figure out the paintings, because “they’re random.” Um, no they’re not. You know, watching HRG leave his prints all over a crime scene that he created and call a numbered sequence of paintings “random,” I’m really starting to wonder about him.

HRG wants to forward digital pics to Mo, but Mo says not to because the Company doesn’t trust him. HRG says his family is in danger and Mo angrily tells him that he doesn’t know what HRG’s agenda is anymore. Niki comes in to bring Mo to Blow, so he hangs up and HRG burns the paintings. Fire rules.

Back at the company, alarms go off and Blow calls for an evacuation. He tells Mo and Niki that it’s because of something Matt and Nathan told him. As soon as Nathan appears Niki gets this great look on her face like, “Oh, shit,” like she’s thinking back to how she practically raped him in Collision. Is this really the first time they’ve been face to face since then? It’s like every time my friends and I walk into a bar and we see our one-night stands, only no one can fly away and avoid any awkwardness. Matt tells everyone about his dad and how Blow’s next on the list.

Future New York City. This set looks a little like the NYC in I Am Legend, and I keep expecting to see deer and weirdly buff pseudo-vampires. Peter’s calling out for someone who might be alive, although the situation looks pretty grim, and Irish Setter asks if Peter had anything to do with their current sitch. I was totally waiting for him to be like, “No, retard! I’ve been here for like three seconds, just like you!” But instead some dudes in biohazard suits show up and stuff Peter and the Setter into a truck while asking them questions about their general health. So that’s what I need to do to get him into position. OK, then.

This week the Heroes logo is green. At first I thought HAZMAT was a sponsor or something but then I was like, “Oh, right- Green Week.”

When we come back from commercials, Claire is dead. No, dammit, she’s just sleeping. She gets a text from Teeth asking if she’s had breakfast yet, which is awesome because that probably means he’s not spying on her today. She texts back that she just woke up and he answers that it smells like she’s having waffles. I stand corrected. Claire understandably gets this creeped-out look on her face as she goes downstairs and asks if her mom made waffles. She didn’t, but Teeth did. At her house.

I’m sorry, but I have a major problem with this. What is this kid’s deal, and why has Claire not yet called the cops? Anyone in real life- girl or guy- would have at least gotten a restraining order by now. I mean, first dude follows her home, then he leaves a book in her driveway. And instead of telling him to drop dead, she makes out with him. That actually says just as much about her as it does about him, but OK. Then after they’ve been “dating” for like an hour and a half, he shows up at her house and makes her breakfast? What the fuck? I’m not much for commitment anyway, but this kid scares the crap out of me.

Apparently Claire isn’t as dumb as I thought, because she gives Teeth this look like, “Say WHAT?” Strangely, Claire’s mom doesn’t think this guy is weird at all, even though my mom would have grabbed this guy by the pants and hauled him out to the driveway, where he would have promptly been run over. My mom is smart. And also, not insane. Mrs. Bennet calls Teeth “adorable,” although I believe the word she’s really looking for is “whacked.”

When her mom leaves the room, Claire yells at Teeth for coming over, but he ignores her and shows her an article in the paper about the Head Bitch and their adventure at school the other day. He’s a little too excited about the article- he claims they’re “infamous.” Claire gets pissed, but Teeth says he just wants to be a part of her life- by becoming a stalker. Claire tells him he can stay, and Liana and I gag. We hate this kid.

I never thought I would say this, but the Company is a welcome distraction. Mo, Blow, Niki, Nathan and Matt are discussing Evil Parkman and possible solutions. Blow wants to inject him with the virus; Mo thinks that is an insanely bad idea. Hello- EVIL Parkman. Blow points out that Matt is the only one who can stop his father, and Matt argues that he can’t, because he is a total Scooby and has no self-confidence. Blow tells him he better learn how to use his powers on his father. I like Matt- I hope they start using him as something more than the Oscar Madison of Heroes.

1671 again. I go to get more candy. Kring is pissing me off- I totally wanted rock-hard abs for New Year’s and if he keeps inserting more of this time-travelling shit that just ain’t gonna happen. Mr. Yaeko claims that he made the guns that White Beard wants to use, so the downfall of Japan will be because of him. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Yaeko breaks free of her chains and then pulls away the opium that the guards are using to torture Hiro. That’s not torture, that’s the sweetest party ever! I wish that were me so I could get through this storyline every week. Hiro wonders aloud why everything is “purple.” Because you’re fucking stoned, dude. Live it up.
Yaeko tells Hiro to do his time travelling deal and save all of them, and by the time the guard walks in, they’re all gone. Like my patience.

Thankfully, the next scene consists of Peter, wet and shirtless. Oh yeah, and the Setter, but I’m trying not to think about her. So now I have my Godiva chocolates and wet and shirtless Peter. And…scene.

Anyway, the biohazard dudes are trying to “decontaminate” both Peter and the Setter, which is of course is pointless because they’re not sick. Peter is yelling out for the Setter, but she’s too busy crying and she can’t hear him. After he puts his clothes back on (“BOOOOO!” –Liana), Peter is given his files and told that he’s dead, and I begin to contemplate necrophilia. He’s told that the Setter’s being sent back to Ireland, which probably means we’ve seen the last of her, thank God, and that there’s an “infection” that they can’t believe Peter doesn’t have.

When it becomes evident that Peter really has no clue what that the hell is going on, the biohazard guy walks him through the facility and explains about the “infection:” It’s the Shanti Virus, which we know is named after Mo’s sister. It was first reported on March 20th, 2007, and since then has killed 93 percent of the world’s population. Those that haven’t died live in quarantine. Lovely. The camera cuts to hundreds of bodies wrapped in plastic, and we see the view that Isaac painted: Peter staring through a window with a backwards biohazard symbol on it. Peter is understandably pretty freaked out.

We go back to November 2007, and Matt is finally visiting Fievel Face at her hospital bed. He apologizes to her for making her find his father, and takes her hand. Her brain waves start to beep, seemingly from his mind-reading ability.

Mo and Niki are in the facility discussing the virus and its potential effects on Evil Parkman. Niki asks Mo if he trusts Blow, and Mo describes him as “morally gray, at best.” I think that’s putting it mildly. Niki thinks that they have the cure for the virus, so no one has to die, and Mo tells her that just because they have a cure, it doesn’t make what they’re doing right. Niki’s hangover from her Moron Mojito clearly has not yet worn off and she tells Mo that the Company can help her. Whatever, Niki- go back to sleep. Mo just leaves, because he clearly agrees with me.

Suddenly D.L. appears and starts throwing out all this shit about Niki being a killer. Niki just kind of looks at him, like, “am I high, or isn’t this dude supposed to be dead?” Then Mo comes back and D.L. disappears, thus confirming that Mo only left the scene to leave room for a Leonard Roberts appearance, which we all totally expected anyway since he was billed as a Special Guest Star in the opening credits. Mo and Niki leave and the camera pans to Evil Parkman, who clearly created Niki’s hallucination. And all this time I thought it was the opium.

Nathan and Blow are hanging around Blow’s office, and Nathan is sifting through files. Nathan claims that he knows all the families whose names are printed on the spines. Biblically? Oh, no, because his mom is one of them. That would be gross. Then he comes to the Adam Monroe file, and he says it’s the only name he doesn’t know. Blow explains that Adam is the one that’s trying to kill everyone. I’ll bet Adam is hot. Blow goes on to tell Nathan that the bad guys-Linderman, Evil Parkman- are Adam’s disciples. The ElderHeroes locked Adam up, but he escaped two weeks ago with revenge on the brain. Then Blow drops the bomb that Peter is alive. Nathan’s on Candid Camera!

In 2008, the biohazard dude walks Peter into a room where Mother Creepy is waiting. He finally looks as scared of her as everybody else is. The dude leaves and Mother Creepy hugs her son, but he doesn’t know who she is. Burn! He wants to go find the Setter, and to Mother Creepy’s credit, she doesn’t tell him to whistle and throw a ball. Instead, she brings up his powers. “You absorb abilities from other people. You are the most powerful of us all.” And also the hottest. She also says that he’s kind and caring and blah blah blah…he needs to take off some clothing. NOW. She brings up Nathan, and he doesn’t remember having a brother. Mother Creepy sends him memories of his family, including one of her carrying a birthday cake where she still looks kind of evil. The cake was probably poisoned. Peter stands up, looks at her and says, “Mom?” They hug, and Mother Creepy cries. Even I got a little weepy. My mom cried, but then again, she cries at Cymbalta commercials.

Claire’s house. She and Teeth are disgustingly making out on the couch while sharing headphones. It’s like a Lifetime movie (“Gag.” –Liana). I’m completely nauseated. Plus it’s really stupid. I never made out on the family room couch knowing my dad could walk in and catch me at any second. Poor Claire. Obviously the only part that can’t regenerate from injury is her brain. Even Mr. Muggles looks slightly constipated; then again, he’s a dog.

Claire takes this opportunity to bring up Teeth’s neck marks and says that if he’s going to be hanging at her place, she should probably tell him something. He thinks this means they’re moving too fast. Excuse me, but since when is stage-kissing moving too fast when he’s already let himself into her house for an impromptu waffle fest? Apparently second base for this kid is stalking; third base is MP3-playing. I hate him even more. What a complete nimrod.

Claire decides to end the most moronic conversation ever by going to get popsicles. Teeth thinks this is “awesome,” obviously thinking that “popsicles” is Claire’s secret code for “blowjobs.” HRG walks in and Teeth freaks out, saying they need to escape because the dude who abducted him found them. Claire stops him and says that she’s been trying to tell him that the “guy in the glasses” is her father. Well, you weren’t trying too hard; what were you doing this whole time? Oh, right, Teeth was eating your head. Teeth gets pissed and leaves.

Japan. Normally I would get mad, but this scene takes me away from Claire, so this time it’s OK. Just this once, though. Hiro claims he can destroy White Beard’s guns, but Yaeko wants to know about Kensei. Hiro insists that Kensei is really a good person, but his heart is broken because Hiro cheated on him. I mean Yaeko cheated on him. Hiro tells Yaeko to meet him under the cherry blossoms, and he disappears.

Mo and Niki are still at the facility, discussing the virus. Mo says that it can wipe out an entire species. Yeah, well, so can Britney Spears’ new album. I heard that when you play it backwards it gives you directions to a meth lab. Evil Parkman watches them from a distance, asking Niki’s mind to assist him in turning her into a killer. And what do you know, she totally helps him.

D.L. shows up again and tells Niki that by working for The Company, she’s putting Micah in danger. Niki answers that they can help her and that’s when Mo realizes that his “partner” is batshit nuts. Niki hallucinates that Blow shoots D.L., and he falls into her arms, just like last season when D.L. killed Linderman and now I wonder if I’m having flashbacks because I used a lot of Sharpies for work today and those things give off fumes, man. Mo walks over and he’s like, “Uh, Niki, you’re clearly insane and we need to get Blow to help you out because Evil Parkman is doing this.” Niki responds by hitting him, which sends Mo flying across the room. Sweet. Niki picks up the syringe with the virus in it and leaves, and Evil Parkman just smiles because he’s Evil Parkman.

Back in 1671, Hiro is about to light piles of gunpowder on fire in White Beard’s tent when Kensei shows up. Hiro claims that they can stop White Beard together, and Kensei says that they made a good team. “You showed me how to love,” he says. Does anyone else get a homo vibe from these two, or am I seriously ill?

He attacks Hiro and they cross swords…only not in that way, at least not on camera. The two fight and at least for a second resemble Isaac’s painting. Suddenly Hiro has both swords and Kensei is on the ground. A lantern falls and ignites the tent. Hiro tries to save Kensei, but he refuses Hiro’s hand, telling him in Japanese, “I will make you suffer.” Hiro time travels out of there and the tent blows up, taking the guns with it. Something tells me Kensei isn’t really dead, because this is Heroes. Plus we saw that episode where Claire went into her burning house and came right back out and her skin healed. Remember? Company Man? Remember?

In Blow’s office, Nathan is looking at footage of Peter getting tested from three months ago, and unfortunately, he’s not naked in any of the frames. Blow says that Peter was in Cork, Ireland, but that was a while ago, and they lost track of him. Understandably, Nathan is pretty pissed. The two are interrupted by Niki banging on the door; just like in Painting #3 (so I was right- it was of Niki). Blow gets up and stands next to Nathan. In Fievel Face’s room, Matt finally “gets his gun out.” He calls out for his father and the scene changes.

We enter a room that looks like it was decorated by my mom’s cats. The furniture is disgusting and the wallpaper is truly gross. I mean, it does not fit the décor at all. The whole room is Fifties Sitcom in Hell. On second thought, my mom’s cats could have done a better job. I wonder if we’ve entered into my nightmare.

Anyway, the door closes and it’s the same apartment where Matt and Nathan had their did-we-or didn’t-we moment back in Fight or Flight. This time, Fievel Face is there. She hugs Matt and says that his father trapped them both in the apartment. Back in Blow’s office, Niki breaks the door down.

Matt again calls out to his dad, and his father hears him and turns toward his son’s voice. At the same time, Niki enters Blow’s office with the syringe. Back in the apartment, Evil Parkman asks Matt if he brought him here, and Matt says that he did. In Blow’s office, Nathan tries to stop Niki, but that proves to be a supremely wasted effort. She’s convinced that Blow killed D.L., and she’s not listening to anyone but herself.

Nathan tells her to think of Micah, and she stabs herself with the needle. I can’t even watch- seriously, I HATE needles. She sinks to the ground and Nathan holds her. “I couldn’t get the nightmare out,” she says. “I had to stop myself.” She cries, I cry, we all cry. Damn.

Back in the Fifties Sitcom, Fievel Face wants Matt to get them out of the apartment. Shut up, Fievel Face- it’s not like he’s drawing up floor plans and filling out rent applications. Matt wants to confront his father before he leaves, which I am totally on board with- I’m tired of Matt acting like such a ridiculous wimp. It turns out the apartment is the place that Matt grew up in- I’d be fucked up too if I had to look at that design scheme every day for years. There’s brisket on the table- are they Jews? That would rock, but maybe not, because then the Jewish patriarch on the show would be evil, and what are the writers trying to say?

The food on the table says to Matt that it’s the night his father left, and Matt confronts him. His father says he loves him, and that he’s sorry. “Then turn yourself in,” Matt says. Evil Parkman says that can’t happen, because no prison can hold him. Matt says that’s not true; that he can trap him in the apartment because this is his nightmare, not Matt’s. Matt yells at his father, “I’m a good man! I’m a good cop! I’m a good father!” Again I get choked up. I must have PMS or something. “You don’t know what it’s like to fight for someone that you love. You left- all you have are your nightmares.” Damn, that’s cold. Matt opens the door and pulls Fievel Face through it as his father begs them not to leave. The door slams shut in his face.

Holy crap. That was some heavy shit.

Matt wakes up next to Fievel Face’s bed, and his father is on the floor, passed out. I used to wake up and find my brother passed out on the kitchen floor, but that was because he was drunk, and then I would step on him and laugh. Matt checks his father’s pulse, and as he does this, Fievel Face wakes up to the opening chords of “Somewhere Out There.” Matt promises that Evil Parkman will never hurt her again. They hug and he tells her he loves her. Aw.

Enough with all the sentimental bullshit. Back in 2008, Peter and Mother Creepy are walking through the contamination area. The Setter appears- damn, I thought she’d already been deported- and Peter runs to her. Someone grabs her and throws her back in the line with the other illegals and as Peter calls out for her, he winds up back in 2007 Montreal. Sucks for the Setter. Oh well- maybe she’ll find a nice Beagle to mate with.

In Japan, Hiro transports himself to the cherry blossoms to meet Yaeko, and she tells him that White Beard has been defeated. Hiro’s upset because he thinks he’s killed Kensei. I don’t think so, dude. Yaeko says that he is Kensei and wants him to live happily with her. Hiro says that the story doesn’t end like this- there’s another trial. The dragon that taught Kensei the Way of the Sword demands Yaeko in return, and Kensei cut out his heart to save her. Yaeko asks if that’s what he’s supposed to do- what a demanding bitch. Most girls just won’t shut up about a ring. Hiro says that he’s almost destroyed history enough already, and he has to go home. They kiss, and he leaves. If that doesn’t translate to “commitment-phobic,” people, I don’t know what does.

Back at The Company, Mo is trying to cure Niki. He has a bandage on his nose just like the one in Isaac’s painting, and I’m wondering where he’ll get the gun. Mo says the antibodies aren’t working and that his blood is no longer a cure. Niki asks if she’s going to die and Mo doesn’t have an answer.

In Tokyo, Ando’s in front of his computer. He turns away from his computer for a split second and when he turns back, Kensei’s mask is in front of him. Ando literally jumps out of his chair as Hiro tells him he brought him a souvenir. Frankly, I’m a little relieved that he took the mask to give to Ando and not to, you know, do stuff to it. Ando tells Hiro that it’s been months since he’s been gone, which is interesting because to all the viewers, it feels like it’s been about ten years. Hiro wants to find his father to tell him everything, and that’s when Ando tells him that his father’s been murdered. Hiro looks stunned.

Back at The Company, Blow is looking at a file when Mo enters to tell him that there’s a new strain of the virus that has no cure. Blow promises to destroy every last vial- what do you bet that’s a bold, spanking lie? Blow then hands Mo a police report describing Claire’s regeneration abilities and says that it’s a chance to save Niki. He hands Mo a gun and says that if HRG won’t let them take Claire they should be prepared to kill him. I can’t help but remember the last picture in the sequence.

Blow tells Mo about LHO, and sorry about the rhyming just then. He says that [“Bennet] left fingerprints- [he’s] getting sloppy.” Someone else noticed, I see. Maybe they’ll do a Law & Order/Heroes crossover series- that would kick ass! I’d never leave the house! Then, in an insanely stupid move, Mo tells Blow that he and HRG have been working together to bring down The Company. He says that he’s unsure of who’s right and who’s wrong, and that he wants to do the right thing. He takes the gun.

Back at home, HRG is downloading the paintings into his laptop. Claire’s mom comes up and asks if he’s met Claire’s boyfriend. HRG gets this look on his face like, “The what now?” His wife says that she checked him out and that he’s fine. Yeah, well, he showed up at your house with a skillet and some Bisquick after weeks of stalking, so your opinion of “fine” is not likely to be taken into account, Mrs. Bennet. HRG gets all squeamy and his wife attributes his reaction to the idea that his “little girl” is growing up and not because Claire is a whore, and the fact that she has a boyfriend means that it’s only a year and a half until a fat ass and a trailer makes an appearance in the family reunion pics. She leaves, and HRG looks at the picture of himself all dead and shit.

Meanwhile, Claire is trying to call/text/stalk Teeth, but he’s ignoring her. That’s actually a pretty good tactic, because I love it when guys ignore me. I mean it- it makes me crazy. HRG walks in and is all pissed about the newspaper article about the Head Bitch. Claire says that it’s nothing, but I was sixteen once, and I know that that is NOT the way to get a parent off your back. HRG tells Claire that he asked her to keep her nose clean and wants to know if her boyfriend put her up to this. Claire says that’s none of his business. Um, actually, Claire? It sort of is. Claire accuses him of lying about being at a copy conference the other day when he was really in Odessa, and HRG tells the whole family that they’re moving, and Claire says they’re going without her. Skank.

Back in Montreal, Peter is diverting my attention away from the scene with his intoxicating display of hotness. He tries to think his way back (forward?) to 2008, but he can’t. He looks at Adam’s note, trying to remember. I have no idea who Adam is, because I hate spoilers and I stayed away from all the boards. I do, however, have a feeling that this reveal is going to be sick.

A noise comes from behind him, so he turns around and shoots blue electricity at whatever it is. A hand comes out from behind a mirror and grabs the bolt. The hand burns and regenerates. Oh my God, I totally know who it is!

The man steps out from behind the mirror and dude, I was totally right- it’s Kensei! He’s in 2007 clothes and if I thought he was hot before, holy crap. Like I need even more distractions. It’s bad enough when Peter’s in a scene and I have to try to focus, but now there are going to two of them? Dude, I should give up now.

“Peter, what the hell was that?” Kensei asks. Peter wants to know if Kensei knows him. Kensei tells him, “Of course I know you. It’s me, Adam. Don’t you remember? You and I are going to change history.”

This is going to be good.

THE LINE
You know what’s weird? Fight Club- the movie- is on my brothers’ TV right now, and Fight Club- the dude- is also lying in a charred heap on the floor of the Wandering Rocks pub. He’s in this scene in the movie, too. Mmmm, Brad Pitt, shirtless. He can knock me around whenever he wants.

Anyway, down to business. This week picks up where last week left off, with Peter and Irish Setter standing over Fight Club’s burned body. Someone’s called the cops, and the pub is now a crime scene. Peter apologizes for causing Fight Club’s death, and Irish Setter says that it was her brother’s choice to cover for him, and that she’s come to terms with his death. Already? What a bitch. Peter that he’s going to Montreal to find the killer and The Setter offers to go with him; can you say clingy?

Costa Verde. Last week we got a reprieve from Claire and I prayed that she’d been written off; unfortunately, no such luck. Claire is trying out for the cheerleading squad and I have to admit, her proficiency for gymnastics puts her acting skills to shame. Then again, my competitive eating skills put her acting to shame, and I’m just under 100 pounds, so there you go. However, the Head Cheerleading Bitch, who is clearly in her late twenties, isn’t that impressed, and claims that none of the girls made it. One of the other cheerleaders disagrees, but she’s not the Head Bitch, so it doesn’t work. Claire thanks the other girl for trying, and the Head Bitch comes over and tells Claire she’s not EXTRAORDINARY, placing full emphasis on the word. We’re all supposed to notice the irony.

We get a break from Claire and find Monica in New York with Mo. She’s also doing gymnastics, but I’m a lot more intrigued by her storyline, because, frankly, she’s not an ungrateful cow. Monica wants an explanation as to what is going on with her powers, and Mo tells her that she has “adopted muscle memory.” He tells her a little bit about the facility- that it’s helping her and others like her- and we all know that’s a big pile of horseshit. Blow comes in and introduces himself as “Bob,” a name that is so un-creative that I can’t help thinking it’s a code name. Wouldn’t that be something?

Blow calls Mo out of the room and, once they’re both out of Monica’s earshot, informs Mo that he’s supposed to give Monica the virus. Mo sees a folder labeled ADAM MONROE, and calls Blow on it. Blow informs him that there’s a variation of the Shanti virus that they need to inject into innocent people. Mo is all, “I think NOT,” but Blow says that experimenting with the virus is the only way to create a vaccine. Mo tells Blow that this may cause an incurable virus that could infect the world. A-ha- now we’re getting somewhere, and note my use of the word “A-ha.” I’m sorry. I promise never to do that again. I like that song, though. Blow then brings up Sylar and says that some people’s abilities must be stopped, which totally gives him license to test the virus on innocent people like Monica.

Mo doesn’t agree, but instead of growing a spine, he calls HRG and tells him about the virus experimentation. HRG tells Mo to just test the virus on Monica, because if he doesn’t, the Company will get rid of him. And that would be, like, bad or something.

Our new foreign location for the week is the Ukraine, where a woman in some designer gown that looks like Vanna White wore it in the ‘80’s is telling some kid not to be late. The dude from the Lee Harvey Oswald episodes of Quantum Leap comes in and he is WAY too old to be married to this broad. She’s like, 35 and he’s gotta be at least 60. But those episodes of QL were awesome. Cougar and the kid leave, and HRG walks in and starts speaking Russian. My head is spinning from all these languages. Apparently this new dude’s name is Ivan, but that sounds like a girl’s name and I’m just going to call him Lee Harvey Oswald, No, LHO, because Lee Harvey Oswald is too much typing and my fingers are too small. HRG greets LHO as a friend, then smacks him across the face. What did he do, steal HRG’s Big Wheel?

Claire’s still in school- this and the fact that the janitor teaches science are both a total testament to dropping out. She and Teeth are talking/annoying me at the lunch table. They’re having a boring conversation about how Claire lied to her dad about cheerleading and ha ha! She didn’t make the squad! Sucks to be you, Claire. Teeth then comes up with some plan about how to totally humiliate the Head Bitch and get Claire on the squad. We don’t hear it yet, because that would destroy the curiosity that I don’t have, but I’ll bet it involves Teeth flying and Claire injuring herself and then healing.

The Wonderless Twins are back. I guess they weren’t killed off, either. I would be really angry, but I guess the writers knew that everyone hates those two, so they got the genius notion to stick Zachary Quinto in a wifebeater. Man, he looks good (Liana makes lion noises over the phone). I’m trying to remember if he was this hot last year. I think he probably was, but it was hidden under lame-ass sweaters and geek glasses.

Anyway, Wifebeater is asleep in the backseat and Calisto is driving, which leaves no opportunity for road head. Sylar and Calisto are talking about their respective powers- she thinks hers is terrible because she kills people, and Sylar wants to see Dr. Suresh to get his back. Then he totally hits on her and says that their powers can be pretty cool if they let them. Dude, they both totally want to get it on. It actually looks like it might happen until Wifebeater wakes up and ruins everything. His power is obviously “Boner Destroyer.” Calisto brilliantly tells Wifebeater Sylar’s entire plan and says that Sylar’s a gift from God. Maybe in that shirt, he is.

We jump from one boring, unnecessary plotline to another. The restorer and Ando sit down to read the scrolls, which means it’s about time for my snack.

In 1671, Yaeko is painting a picture of White Beard’s camp. I’m beginning to sense a theme here- maybe she can start painting pictures of something more exciting- Shirtless Peter, perhaps? Hiro tries to convince Yaeko not to fight, but she insists that as long as Kensei is with her, she has nothing to be afraid of. She seems to be ignoring the fact that Kensei is a borderline alcoholic, but whatever. Yaeko is worried about finding White Beard, but Hiro announces that he can be found in a tent that has smoke coming from it; also, it’s red while the others are tan. White Beard is pretty stealth. Yaeko is mad at him for guessing, even though he’s totally not; that was in the stories Hiro’s father used to tell him. Kensei enters and says the exact same thing and Yaeko gets all suspicious. Hiro just starts homo-ing about Kensei again. And I’m bored.

Back in the Ukraine, LHO is tied to a chair as HRG tries to find out about the paintings. LHO claims he doesn’t know anything, and he’s not intimidated by HRG because he trained him, and his “invisible partner, Claude.” They should totally bring him back- that guy rocked. HRG gets all up in the dude’s face and goes, “Then you know what I’m capable of- don’t make me do this.” The atmosphere gets pretty tense. The Haitian comes out, and HRG tells LHO that if he doesn’t give up the location of the paintings, the Haitian will erase all his memories, including the birth of his children and his wedding day. To his credit, LHO doesn’t look that scared. Dude’s good. We cut to commercial.

When we come back, it turns out HRG wasn’t kidding. LHO’s memories are gone, but he still won’t talk. Damn, all I would need is a piece of cheesecake and I’d give up my ATM code. Don't get any ideas. All of a sudden HRG gets a phone call from Claire, who in true Claire fashion has impeccable timing. She wants to borrow the car, and HRG, exhibiting stellar fathering capabilities considering her last car got stolen, says yes. Claire asks where he is, and HRG lies that he’s in Tulsa. Because Claire doesn’t trust him, she knows he’s lying, but he gets off the phone. Then we cut to Claire, where Teeth walks up with a ski mask. Apparently their plan involves robbing a bank at gunpoint, so she’s the last person who should be accusing anybody of anything.

HRG continues to menace his old friend, who thinks that it must be difficult for Claire, always running and having to worry about being discovered. I’m confused- aren’t all his memories gone? Oh, wait, it’s just some of them; HRG instructs the Haitian to remove all LHO’s memories of the Bennet clan as well. This finally gets to LHO- he says family is important to both of them and maybe they can make a deal. So let me get this straight: this dude would rather remember HRG’s family than his own? How is this realistic? Anyway, the deal LHO offers HRG is to come back to the Company, and HRG’s not having it. Something tells me this will not end well.

Meanwhile, Sylar and The Wonderless Twins are still heading for the border. Maybe when they get there, Sylar will finally kill them and then take off his shirt. I don’t know why, but they decide to just drive through a fence, which of course attracts the Border Patrol. Sylar tells them to just drive around the dudes with guns, and Calisto actually does it and prays to God. I hate her even more, because she’s clearly a moron.

In NYC, Mo and Monica are in a room with a scary-looking needle. Of course, all needles are scary-looking to me, because I hate needles. Mo’s about to stick the needle into Monica’s arm, and I outwardly cringe because seriously, I HATE needles. Suddenly, though, he grows a sack and decides that he’s not going to inject a virus into a guiltless person. He tells Blow, and Blow says that if he won’t, someone else will. Mo grabs a chair and throws it at the cabinet of vaccines, destroying everything inside. He says that he’s taking Fievel Face and leaving. That’s a nice concept, Mo, but they’ll never let you leave.

In Mexico, the twins are stuck in the car, which is surrounded by Border Patrol. Encouraged by Sylar, Calisto brings on the black shit and drives off.

At Claire’s school, there’s some hazing ritual going on with the cheerleaders. The Head Bitch is clearly wasted off her ass. Claire comes over and asks to talk to her in private- she wants another shot at tryouts. Of course, Head Bitch says no- I might like her if she weren’t such a stereotype and she also didn’t look like she was already in and out of high school six times. While she and Claire are talking, Teeth flies down, grabs Claire and takes off with her in his arms. The two of them pretend to fight in the air and Teeth drops Claire on the stairs of the school. Head Bitch gets the hell out of there and even I have to admit that their plan, whatever it is, is pretty cool.

Head Bitch is giving her statement to the cops, and she totally may have wanted to pop a mint first, because the cops are looking at her like, “Whatever, dude. You’re plastered.” As Head Bitch insists that Claire is dead on the stairs, Claire walks up, all, “What’s up, Bitches?” All the cheerleaders watch and silently mock as another cop walks up with a liquor bottle.

In 1671 Japan, Hiro, Yaeko and Kensei hide behind a bush in a scene that frankly, was kinda like those old cartoons where the character hid behind a shrub and you could see their feet as they used it to move around and follow the gorilla or whatever. Kensei tells Hiro that he’s given him purpose and made him a better man. Seriously, guys, just kiss already. Kensei finds the guard, who stabs him, but of course that doesn’t do jack shit. Kensei removes the sword from his stomach and smacks the guard in the face with the end. The only thing that keeps me watching this plotline is David Anders’ comedy.

The three of them enter the tent and find Yaeko’s father. Mr. Yaeko says that he has to stay, because he’s the only one that can destroy White Beard’s arsenal of guns, and if he doesn’t help White Beard, Yaeko will die. Apparently White Beard has plans to overthrow the Emperor, and Hiro says that if guns are used, it will end the way of the Samurai and the Sword. Enough with the history lessons, Hiro. Hiro explains that destroying all the guns is how Kensei will save Japan. So Kensei cuts Mr. Yaeko’s chains and they all run away- in broad daylight. And no one stops them.

In Fievel Face’s hospital room, she’s still in the coma that Evil Parkman put her in. Mo is standing watch like the Felix that he is. How come Matt never comes to visit? Blow appears and apologizes for asking Mo to play around with the virus. He says that the Company is dealing with someone who’s even more dangerous than Sylar, and Mo asks if it’s Adam Monroe. After confirming this, Blow basically goes on to say that Mo is the Company’s moral standard and they need him to stick around. Mo doesn’t trust Blow, so Blow offers him what sounds to me like a partner, and what also sounds like someone who could be a very bad guy.

Again with Japan. Hiro, Yaeko, Kensei and Mr. Yaeko are being chased, because they were stupid enough to run around in the middle of the day. Kensei fights off guards and some asshole points a gun at Yaeko. Hiro grabs her and squints his eyes to time travel, because that won’t be suspicious at all, and Kensei might get mad that Hiro is cheating on him. I meant Yaeko. Yaeko is cheating. Anyway, Hiro pulls Yaeko out of the path of the gun and into another set piece, and Yaeko gets all freaked out.

Anyway, Hiro brings Yaeko back to Japan, and she’s still PMS-ing at him about his powers. Hiro’s trying to fake like he didn’t do anything but she knows that’s BS. She knows that Hiro can move from one place to another, and she knows that he was pretending to be Kensei. She asks him if he loves her, and he says that he does. And then they start making out. I thought Hiro was totally going to die a virgin, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately Kensei can see them and you know he’s pissed. Hiro’s voiceover goes, “It was the kiss that changed me forever, Ando.”

Hold up. A kiss changed you forever? If a blowjob changed you forever, ok then. But a kiss? What is this, third grade?

Anyway, that was the last scroll, so hopefully we’ll get a new storyline. Probably not, though.
We go back to Sylar and the Wonderless Twins. Wifebeater is trying to kick Sylar’s ass, which is pretty funny considering the weight ratio. Calisto breaks up the fight, and I imagine her interference only works because Sylar really wants to get laid and knows that beating up a woman’s family member is not the way to get that accomplished.

Wifebeater tries to make her choose between the two of them, and in my head I’m making a scale with my hands: annoying, meddlesome brother or hot, potential bang. Wifebeater says that Sylar can stay, but she’ll have to learn to control her powers on her own. Calisto goes to get something to take care of Sylar, who graciously takes the opportunity to inform Wifebeater of his plan to eventually kill both of them. Yes, please!

In Costa Verde, Claire is feeling guilty about what she and Teeth did to Head Bitch. Why? I thought it was awesome. So does Teeth, who thinks Claire is bringing him down. The nice cheerleader comes over and tells Claire that Head Bitch got kicked off the squad for being drunk, so Claire’s in.

Here’s the problem I have with Teeth and Claire’s little scheme: first of all, they were banking on the probability that Head Bitch would be smashed out of her mind at that very moment, and that the penalty for being drunk would be a permanent, not temporary, booting from the squad, and not a suspension or anything. Isn’t it convenient that things worked out for them just so? Other than that, though, bang-up job!

On the other side of the world, HRG sees a photo of LHO’s daughter, and LHO confirms that she died of leukemia. HRG threatens to take his memories of her, and this finally gets to LHO, who says that the paintings are in “the warehouse,” where they “tagged the liquid man.” LHO wants the Haitian to erase his memories of HRG’s visit, but HRG knows that this will lead the Company to his family. He trashed LHO’s home to make it look like a burglary, but I watch enough Law & Order to know that HRG’s prints are now all over the house. He points his gun at LHO’s head and did my bedroom actually get colder, or was that a chill running down my spine? LHO yells at HRG that he’s condemning himself to Hell. HRG pulls the trigger, looks at his friend’s dead body, and says, “I know.”

Fuck, man.

In 1671, Hiro runs up to Kensei, who’s crouched over a fire, probably tearing up photo booth pictures of the two of them together and performing other break-up rituals. Kensei tells Hiro that he saw him and Yaeko together, and that Hiro betrayed him. Hiro tells him that he and Yaeko are in love, and Kensei says that “first you show me how I can be harmed by no weapon; then you cut me deeper than any blade ever could.” (“Ooh- burn.”- Liana) Hiro says that he’ll back off, and that they must stop White Beard, and his obsession with this is starting to get really irritating. Kensei agrees to do it, but then he hits Hiro, which is what we’d all like to do, and Hiro falls. White Beard enters with Yaeko and her father, and tells Kensei that whatever he wants will be his. Good job, Hiro, you dumbass.

The Company’s taken Monica back to New Orleans and outfitted her with an iPod, which is a device that really belongs on Journeyman, which overloads us every single week on its Apple sponsorship. I’d want my iPod jacked up with Clash tunes; however, Blow informs Monica that this one has videos of kick-ass moves to practice her powers with. Monica says that the iPod’s like her “own personal Oprah.” Monica rules.

Mo’s back at the Company, and Niki enters. Ali Larter just did a Cosmo cover, and she looks better here than she did in that stupid pose that Cosmo makes all their models do. Although she looked great there, too. If I were a blonde, I’d want to look exactly like Ali Larter, although I wouldn’t put whipped cream on my genitalia, because that just seems like a yeast infection waiting to happen. Mo seems shocked to see her, though Niki claims she’s feeling better, thanks to the Company. I don’t like this new, seemingly stupid Niki. I like the old, super-strong, pulls doors off walls Niki. Also, she looks like she’s wearing the Editor pants from Express. Sateen? Seriously? The old Niki had way better fashion sense.

Niki tells Mo she’s his new partner, and Mo is like, “Brr?” She looks happy, but also like she kind of wants to throw him into some glass. Liana and I are sort of afraid.

In the Ukraine, it seems as if HRG and the Haitian have found the paintings and are assembling them in what appears to be some kind of order. The first one is of Dad Nakamura’s death; then there’s one of a hand holding a vial. Painting #3 appears to be what is probably Niki banging angrily on a wall; #4 is hidden and we can’t see what it is. The fifth one is missing, the sixth one is what I believe is Hiro fighting Kensei, and the seventh is Suresh with a bandage on his nose, holding a smoking gun. Hm, interesting. The last picture, which we’ve already seen, is of HRG’s death. HRG asks what the pictures mean, which is a great question to ask an audience that has to figure out something new every week.

We cut to Peter- finally!- and Irish Setter as they stand outside the building that happens to be in the painting of their own, as they look at the picture and see the exact same scene represented in it. They’re in Montreal, for both of you who didn’t get it. They enter the building, and Jesus, this room is messier than mine. The mirror has a tag with Peter’s name written on it, and he goes to the note and reads it. It says, “Meet me in the stables in five minutes and be naked. I’ll bring the jodhpurs.” It’s from me.

No, seriously. When he turns the note over, it reads: “We were right about The Company. The world is in danger. It’s up to us. Adam.” Peter has no clue who Adam is, and doesn’t know about the Company, either. He’s getting all pissed that he can’t remember shit, and doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do about the world being in danger. May I suggest a lap dance?

Irish Setter hugs Peter, who asks her to tell him who he is and what the future holds. That would have been the perfect time to suggest sex. Woman, what the fuck is the matter with you?

When Peter opens his eyes, they’re standing in front of Times Square. Neither of them know how they got there, but they do recognize the stench of urine and sewer water, so they realize they must be in New York City. The place is totally uninhabited-maybe the water crept over from New Jersey and killed everyone. Peter picks up one of the pieces of paper from the ground and sees that it’s an evacuation order dated June 14, 2008. So that means they’re in future New York City. Liana and I collectively make Scooby noises as we contemplate having Fifth Avenue all to ourselves, virus be damned.