KINDRED

Apparently the writers on this show really want to make up for the fact that the first episode had like, three seconds of Milo Ventimiglia, because this episode also opens with Peter and his new friend Fight Club (Third Rule of Fight Club: Peter must always have his shirt off). Unfortunately, Peter is fully dressed, so I’m not completely invested in the action on the screen. I am, however, extremely interested in the October issue of Men’s Fitness, which has Milo on the cover with a bunch of pictures of him doing gym-type stuff, plus pictures of some of the other Heroes cast members and the hot guy from CSI: NY.

Anyway. Peter and Fight Club are going over this new plan of Fight Club’s that will turn Peter into a criminal. Which means, eventually, handcuffs. My God, I need to stop. Fight Club tells Peter that he that he has to distract the guards so his gang can get some money. That should be easy, Peter- just take off your shirt. Anyway, if Peter does this, he’ll get the box, so everybody wins. Peter hears one of the other guys think that he’s going to take the money and run (hilarious movie, shitty song), and announces this to everyone. Smooth move, ace. Why don’t you bring even more attention to your freak powers? No one believes him, though, and Fight Club brings up their family crest, which happens to be a tattoo that everybody has except Peter.

We join The Wonder Twins in Mexico. Wifebeater wants to steal a car, because Calisto can’t walk anymore. Whatever happened to piggyback rides? Wifebeater picks the most convenient vehicle he can find, which just happens to be baking in the hot sun on a busy street. Of course, a cop sees them and carts Wifebeater off to the pen. Maybe they’ll be written off. Please?

Now we’re in Vegas with Niki and Micah. I was wondering when they were going to show up. Ali Larter kicks ass, and her power rules. There are so many people I would love to just punch in the face, with no repercussions. If you’re as sharp as I am, you may have noticed that Leonard Roberts’ name isn’t in the credits anymore, and that may be because- whoopsy!- he’s dead. Too bad, because I liked him on Buffy, and I liked him even more on this show, because he wasn’t playing an asshole that spent his time trying to fuck up Sarah Michelle Gellar’s relationship. D.L.’s gravestone says “Daniel Lawrence Hawkins, 1976-2007, Father, Husband, Hero.” It’s kind of sweet, but have you noticed that the word “hero” is used an awful lot? We’re not idiots; we know what show we turned on.

Now, apparently, we’re supposed to believe we’re in Maui. There’s some redheaded girl we’ve never seen before (fuck. Another new Hero? How many of them are there going to be? I can barely keep up with the old ones) talking ominously on a cell phone about someone who’s “fine, …but still sleeping.”She hangs up the phone, and “he” is Sylar! Even in a Hawaiian shirt, he’s still kind of hot. He asks where he is, and she tells him Maui. I’ve been to Maui, and the fake set is pretty persuasive. Then he asks who she is. She seems to look at her own boobs, and identifies herself as “Michelle,” formerly “Candice.” Long-time viewers know her as the bitch who shape-shifts, kidnapped Micah, tried to beat up Niki, rigged Nathan’s election and generally pissed everybody off.

"Candice" explains that she saved Nathan from Kirby Plaza and now the police are looking for her. Ya think? It’s called “harboring a fugitive.” She reminds him of what happened in last season’s finale, about how he got stabbed in the chest and all, and informs him that he’s had multiple surgeries and that if he moves, he’ll rip his stitches, which, for the sake of this illusion, have temporarily disappeared. Sylar demands to know what’s really going on, and Hawaii, along with his disgusting apparel, disintegrates, and we’re treated to a weird looking cabin-type area and a hideous scar in his gut. Sylar begins to scream in pain as we cut to Claire’s bedroom. I often have that reaction when I have to watch Hayden Panettiere decimate a script.

Claire is reading Pop Suresh’s book when HRG comes in and tells her that her mom made waffles. My dad used to make really good pancakes and cut them into cute little shapes. Anyway, HRG apologizes to Claire for yelling at her back at Makeshift Kinko’s because he knows she just wanted to talk to him. Actually, I don’t blame him for yelling; Claire is a bitch.

Claire asks what would happen if anyone were to find about her powers and her dad replies that she would be written off the show. Sorry, that’s just my wishful thinking. He does, however, tell her that they would have to go into hiding again, only it would have to be somewhere else where she couldn’t destroy written dialogue, like, say, Jupiter. Claire, who knows West saw her cut off her toe (EW!), knows that she has to explain herself, so the camera swings over to Costa Verde High, where she finds The Boy with the Enormous Teeth immediately.

Claire gives the lame excuse that she was giving herself a “pedicure,” which, come on, is completely retarded, and even he knows that’s a lie. Then Claire finally calls him on his stalking, and Teeth tells her he was just dropping a book off at her house. Claire tells him to stay away from her, and he says that he will if she admits to who she really is (“I don’t think you get to make that call, Stalker.” –Liana) Claire just walks away instead of doing what we all wish she would, which is deliver a swift kick to his face.

Mo/Parkman’s joint. Matt is watching over Molly as she sleeps. He wakes up and grabs his gun when he hears someone in the apartment, but it’s only Mo. That was either Officer Parkman demonstrating some brilliant cop instincts or Matt being a total nitwit and not assuming that his roommate would be in the apartment. Mo tells Matt how he’s going to stay in New York and not be a field man for The Company, and he can start helping out with Molly. Matt is pissed off because this means Mo will be bringing his work home. Matt tells Mo about Molly’s struggles in school and that he doesn’t want to babysit Mo as well, which understandably pisses Mo off. They argue like a married couple, and this wakes up Molly, who runs over to Mo and hugs him. Why does she hate Matt so much? I thought he was her “hero.” I’m over it.

Ando’s in his office, and it looks like his work ethic matches mine, because I’m writing this blog when I should be planning a CD Release Party, and Ando’s playing video games when he should be…doing whatever the hell it is he does. His boss comes in and says that just because Nakamura liked him, it doesn’t mean he can screw around at work. Asswipe. Ando is like, “Whatever,” and opens one of his drawers to find a sword. He should have pulled it out and waved it in his boss’ face. That would have been sweet. Anyway, the sword has the words, “Ando Open” carved on the bottom, so he does, and there are scrolls inside. We start to get a voiceover from Hiro. Oh, great. I thought we might get a week off from this.

Hiro gives us a recap of the last couple of weeks, and we get visuals of the whole Hiro/Kensei saga. We’ve already seen this shit; get to the good stuff. We pick up with Kensei all confused about why he can heal himself, and when Hiro explains that Kensei has powers, it’s clear that Kensei thinks that Hiro is whacked out of his mind. When Hiro demonstrates this by pulling the arrows out of Kensei’s chest, he decides that Hiro’s cursed him and leaves. I’ve decided that this storyline has cursed me and I go back to reading Men’s Fitness. Well, not so much “reading” as staring at the pictures.

We’re back in Ireland, and we’re also back to Peter being shirtless. I guess the writers have recognized the best way to hold the audience’s attention. He’s trying to get the lightning to come out of his hands again by talking to it. Gorgeous and crazy? I sense a new boyfriend! Irish Setter asks him if that’s how the power works, trying to pretend that she’s actually interested and wasn’t just staring at his pecs or whatever. He says he doesn’t know, and puts his shirt back on. I doubt that’ll help- why don’t you just keep the shirt off and call it a day? Irish Setter tells him that he can trust her because she hasn’t told anyone about what he can do, and also because she always sees him with his shirt off and hasn’t molested him yet.

Mexico again. I actually answer the phone when it rings. It’s my mom. Anyway, Wifebeater’s in jail. This can’t end well. Or, it can, because Calisto is a series regular. Their “WANTED” picture is on the wall and the cops don’t even notice. Insert “Doughnut” joke here.

Claire’s school. You know, for someone with a degree to teach science, her teacher is a tool. If one of your students showed up out of nowhere and constantly brought up regenerating people and lizards and shit, wouldn’t you get a little suspicious? Wouldn’t you? Anyway, Teeth starts talking about lizards and humans mating and lizard girls cutting off appendages- would the appendage reattach itself? (“What an asshole. I hate him and his teeth are huge and gross.” –Liana) Since Claire isn’t allowed to draw any attention to herself, she leaves the room. Not obvious or anything. Costa Verde needs to stop letting their cafeteria workers teach their academic programs.

Back to Tokyo. Yawn. Hiro announces to Ando and the four of us who still haven’t gotten it that he’s in love with Princess Yaeko, who’s supposed to fall in love with Kensei. Hiro’s luck with girls is almost as shitty as mine is with guys. Hiro goes to get Kensei, who’s cutting his arm and watching it heal. Hiro decides to show Kensei his own power- dirty!- and in doing so not only teleports himself to the other side of the tree, but manages to take Kensei’s knife. Kensei decides to use his powers for money, and I wonder if he isn’t actually Jewish.

Hiro wants Kensei to use his power to fight White Beard and the Ninety Hungry Ronin, but Kensei says if Hiro’s so gung-ho about it, why doesn’t he do it instead? You know, that’s actually a pretty good point. Hiro says that Kensei has to stop walking away from his destiny, and he puts his hand on Kensei’s shoulder and puts the two of them directly in front of the Ronin, then zaps himself selfishly back to safety. I liked Hiro a lot better last season when he wasn’t a total buzzkill. BTW, why does no one in 1671 Tokyo think it’s weird that Hiro is dressed in clothes from 2007?

Claire again. (“Ew. Why?” –Liana) Claire’s either crying or making Cosmo Kramer- like yipping noises on the stairs outside the school. Teeth goes over to her and says, “So I take it you’re annoyed.” Some apology, douchebag. He again tells her to admit that she’s different. Dude, what the fuck is your deal? Seriously, go find a hobby. She goes off on some tangent and I actually feel sorry for her. West tells her to shut up and I’m like, “Huh? She’s admitting that she’s different; make up your damn mind.”

Then he picks her up and they actually fly. When Nathan did it last season, it was really cool, but when it’s used as some cheesy romantic gesture, it’s actually kinda lame and feels like it should have a Celine Dion song playing in the background.

Plus this was taking place right over the school, so this whole “Secret Identity” thing has just been blown wide open for both of them.

Peter is in a car getting ready for his new life of crime with Irish Setter, who should have her head hanging out the window in true Irish Setter fashion. Peter distracts the guards not by removing his clothing, but by yelling at them. Dammit. There’s all kinds of criminal mischief going on, and Peter manages to throw an armored car across the street with his superhotmanpowers. It is truly fucking awesome. Peter and Irish Setter drive off.

Isaac’s loft. I miss Isaac. I mean, sure, he was a recovering junkie, but he could also paint the future, and that could have definitely helped me come midterms. Blow and some FBI agents have commandeered the place and christened it as Mo’s new lab. Apparently Mo is supposed to work there under the watchful eye of Company spies. Mo finds this intrusive, but Blow doesn’t care, considering Mo is “part of the family now.” Which family is that, the Mansons?

We return to 1671, where Yaeko and Hiro are waiting for Kensei to return from fighting the Hungry Ronin. I don’t know why he just doesn’t make them all sandwiches or something, if they’re really that hungry. Anyway, Hiro assures Yaeko that Kensei hasn’t died and that he will return to her. She comments on Kensei’s seemingly split personality- referring, of course, to the real Kensei and Hiro/Kensei. Kensei returns, and Yaeko kisses him. Hiro’s feelings actually get hurt- boo hoo, Hiro. This scene serves no purpose other than an opportunity for me to get a snack.

Niki and Micah again- good, some characters I can get on board with. Not only is Micah brilliant, but he’s one of the only kids on TV that’s smart but not pretentious. We learn that Niki is leaving Micah with some family members he doesn’t know. Niki tells Micah not to use his powers, but Micah doesn’t like this idea. I agree, kid. If I had one-tenth of any of these people’s abilities, I could be president! Niki reminds him that this is their chance at a normal life, but Niki should know better than to use the word “normal” on this show. They have their tearful goodbye and Uhura from Star Trek answers when they knock. She’s from Star Trek, so you know she’s got Hero Powers.

Mexico again. I’m already bored. Calisto goes inside the jail to collect her brother, but she doesn’t have enough money. She starts arguing with the cop until she finally grabs their “WANTED” poster off the wall so she can pay his bail in gooey black shit. When Wifebeater sees the guy in the next cell’s eyes turn black, he knows his sister’s there. I prefer to make my entrance by just saying “Hi,” but whatever. The twins run away, but not before the guy next to them, who is clearly stoned, says that he should come with them because he has a car. They accept his offer.

Back in the Irish pub, Fight Club, Peter, Irish Setter and the rest of the crew are mulling over their good fortune by going through the cash they’ve obtained. Will, the guy Peter “overheard” earlier, pulls a gun on Fight Club and demands all the money be given to him. Peter announces that he was right, and Will shoots him. Suddenly, Will flies across the room and everyone looks at Peter as the bullet, which resembles a small turd, pops out of his chest. It’s pretty disgusting, but also kind of cool. Will is being held against the wall by an invisible force as everyone stares at Peter like, “What the fuck just happened here?” Will starts choking as Peter moves towards him. Liana and I are like, “Holy shit.” This is like what happened when I saw Optimus Prime on screen during the Transformers movie. Peter has this totally evil look on his face. He’s still really hot, though. The look turns to surprise as he drops Will on the ground, and the dude gets up and runs. Everyone is still staring at Peter like, “Duuude.”

Japan, 1671. We’re still getting Hiro’s gay-ass voiceover. Kensei walks over to Hiro and Hiro tells him he can leave now. Good, maybe now we’ll get a relevant plotline. Kensei says that he doesn’t want Hiro to go because he’s like his conscience. Since when is that a compliment? I mean, he basically called Hiro boring. Hiro explains that his being there almost fucked up an entire history and if he doesn’t leave he might cause more damage. He and Kensei bow to each other and Yaeko comes over and tells him he’s been a great friend. Ouch. Way to deflate the boner. Kensei and Yaeko walk off, and Hiro almost cries. Why is he such a pussy lately? He then tells Ando he can’t leave, and we settle in for more useless narration.

We now return to Sylar. Finally, someone else of interest. He sits at a table, trying to use his powers by moving a coffee cup with his mind. It’s not working, and he’s pissed. “Candice” brings him eggs, but he’s pretty ungrateful and whines about how she’s supposed to be taking care of him. Uh, hi? You’re not dead; I’d say she’s been doing a pretty bang-up job. Instead of stating the obvious, “Candice” assures him that once he’s healed, The Company will make sure that he has his powers back. I don’t know if this is true or not, because, he’s, um, evil, but anyway, “Candice” offers to help him. He makes some crack about her egg-making abilities, but she says her powers go beyond cooking and reminds him about their traveling ventures. She then claims that she can fulfill all his fantasies and morphs into a geisha, twins and Sylar himself. I wonder if she was subtlety telling him to “go fuck himself.” Anyway, he seems to like that one and makes some move like he’s going to kiss her, but breaks the cup over her head instead. Hey, to each his own. He says that he’ll get his abilities back, but he’s going to steal hers first. She morphs back into what she really looks like, and she’s actually not that attractive. I guess Missy Peregrym couldn’t be called away from the set of Reaper for five minutes. Sylar chastises her for trying to be something she’s not, but she’s dead, so his speech is kind of wasted. Besides, he pretends to be a total dork who works in a watch shop, so isn’t he kind of a hypocrite?

Sylar tries to use “Candice’s” stolen powers to go back to Hawaii, but he can’t. He then tries for a bunch of other places, but again, nothing. He’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, and it sucks. Dude, try living in Connecticut.

Back to Ireland. Irish Setter is at a table with Peter, tattooing the family crest onto his arm. Good God, that’s all I need. It seems as if Fight Club has decided that Peter is worthy enough to find out what’s in the box that contains his life story, because he says that Peter is now family, so he hands him Gwyneth Paltrow’s head and leaves.

Peter hesitates, because what if he left behind a life he doesn’t want? Well, there might be naked pictures of you inside that box, so get cracking! Irish Setter says she can tell he’s a good soul. Oh, please; I’ve come up with way better lines than that! She asks if he likes where he is right now and he nods, so she convinces him to leave the box for now. The girl’s good. Then they start making out. Slut! The camera pans down to Peter’s arm, where the tattoo morphs into the “S” symbol and then disappears. Apparently the tattoo hates Irish Setter, also.

Some beach, somewhere. Teeth and Claire are arguing and flirting about whose power is cooler. Claire thinks Teeth’s is better because he can get away from his parents when they’re annoying him, and Teeth likes Claire’s because she can’t get die. Honestly, I’m torn. There’s some lame flirting, and then he eats her face. No, it’s just kissing. We all saw it coming, because every website and magazine this summer published the spoilers about Claire’s new boyfriend.

Claire opens her eyes and sees two little black marks on Teeth’s neck. Man, that is a killer hickey. She asks what the hell that’s about, and he hesitantly explains about some weird bike accident a couple of years ago. He blacked out, and the last thing he remembers before he woke up in his own bed was a man with horn-rimmed glasses calling his name. Claire gets this look on her face like, “Oh, shit.” Or maybe she has to shit. I still can’t tell the difference between Hayden Panettiere’s facial expressions.

Isaac’s loft/Mo’s lab. Mo unconvincingly says he’ll get started on his research. Blow gets a call on his cell and takes it outside- it’s Niki. She’s in his office and she wants the cure. Blow agrees, but wants “something” in return.

Meanwhile, on his own phone, Mo tells HRG that The Company is moving all of Isaac’s paintings. Mo is strongly opposed to this and admits that he’s way over his head. HRG promises to take care of Mo “as long as I’m alive”. Mo finds a painting labeled “8/8,” which I can only assume is the last of a series, which prompts Mo to reply, “That’s exactly the problem”. Mo takes a picture of “8/8” and tells HRG that he’s sending it to him.

HRG looks at his computer and sees a series of slots, eight in all. The first one has the painting that we saw earlier, of Dad Nakamura’s death. The last one has the painting that Mo has just sent, and it ain’t pretty: It’s HRG with a bullet in his head, with Claire making out with someone (shocker) in the background. HRG looks up to see Claire, and he clears the screen. He smiles at her and says goodnight. She makes some kind of weird face and says her own goodnight, and he again looks at the painting of his own death.