THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

This week’s episode opens with HRG studying the portrait of his own death. Out of everyone in the Bennet/Butler house, it couldn’t have been Claire? Really? His wife comes in, and HRG closes his laptop. Instead of getting all suspicious that her husband may or may not have been looking at some kiddie porn, Mrs. Bennet happily prepares to engage in a conversation about whether or not Claire has a boyfriend. Claire herself enters, looking especially slutty and newt-like, and outwardly flinches when her dad brings up what she assumes is the “sex talk.” It’s not, though- her dad is just being “reasonable” and wants to meet all potential Friday-night grope sessions. God, Claire is such a paranoid little skank! Of course, she lies and claims there are no broken condoms in her future, and her parents, who apparently don’t read any tabloids or watch E! News, believe this. For now.

New York City. There’s a table filled with sketches that look like they were drawn by a little kid, so they can’t be Isaac’s. But they could be mine. Instead of getting my mom’s skinny deer legs, I couldn’t have inherited her artistic ability? Just saying, not exactly a fair trade. Molly wakes up screaming, and Matt runs in, followed by Mo. Is it just me, or does anyone else get a Felix-Oscar vibe from these two? Matt and Mo argue about Molly’s nightmares and the fact that they’re getting worse. Neither of them know what to do, and Matt stands there like a dork while Mo sings her to sleep.

“Nathan Petrelli, Washington D.C.” Creative subtitle, BTW. Nathan is at his sons’ school and calls out to them through the bars. Amazingly, they look really happy to see him, even though the hair on his face now resembles a gargantuan black cave. They hate it, and tell him to shave. Someone give these kids genius grants, because they are by far the most observant people on the show. He tells them that Mother Creepy is in “the hospital” and that Heidi should help them call her, which is interesting because New York City has about ten thousand hospitals and that doesn’t exactly help them narrow it down, but whatever. The boys’ teacher comes out and tells Nathan he’s not allowed to be there. Instead of telling her to fuck off, Nathan sends his boys back to school and I almost detect a sad face through his beard, but it’s hard to tell.

Calisto, Wifebeater & Derek. The only promise this storyline has is that my brother’s name is Derek, so that character might be cool. Maybe. Then Derek says he’s from New Jersey, so that theory goes out the window pretty fast. Derek says they’re all fugitives, so they’ll all have to split up before they get to the border. As long as the cameras never venture into New Jersey, I hope Derek gets his own storyline and we never see the twins again.

Suddenly Derek slams on the brakes. Unfortunately, no one goes through the windshield, but everyone gets out of the car and we see a body lying in the road. It’s Sylar, and DAMN! (“What has he been doing over the summer, because he is HOT?” –Liana) He pleads with Derek and the twins to help him, and their plot just picked up speed, considering what we know about Sylar and people with powers.

AND…the eclipse.

Micah is sleeping underneath some sunshine and this week’s title. He’s rudely awakened by some obnoxious little seminal misfire (who we later learn is his cousin, Damon) yelling, “Wake up, fool!” and a glass of water in his face. Oh great, I thought Heroes was above ghetto stereotypes.

We cut to Uhura, Semenal Misfire and Micah eating breakfast, and Micah’s other cousin Monica enters, all excited about the Burger Bonanza management test that she’s about to get results for. God, that uniform is ghastly. S.M. is whining that he needs $65 for wrestling Pay-Per-View. The girls start bitching at him, and I don’t blame them- wrestling? Come on, that’s practically reality TV! Uhura tells S.M. he’s better off watching the cooking show she’s got on the tube, and everyone looks at the screen. Monica leaves for work in her terrible outfit, and Micah tells S.M. that he knows how to get him his wrestling show for free. S.M. all of a sudden seems pretty intrigued.

Mother Creepy’s hospital bed. She confesses to Nakamura’s murder, but Matt is skeptical. She knows Matt can read her mind, and “tells him” that the only way out is to confess, and says that if the cops keep digging, they will find out about all of the Heroes’ powers. Matt agrees and lets it go.

More Claire. I had almost forgotten about her, and this is not appreciated. A Costa Verde cheerleader is trying to convince Claire to join the squad, but Claire remembers her father’s warning and turns her down, although she does take the parental consent form. The cheerleader backs off, but Teeth comes up to talk to her (notice how “talk” and “stalk” have almost all the same letters?) and bugs her to admit that she likes him. I mentally kill him about 30 times. Claire blames her dad, and Teeth offers to talk to him. That would be kind of cool, I guess, if he weren’t such a stalker. Oh, and if her dad hadn’t abducted him and performed some kind of weird experiment. Then he makes her a deal- he’ll back off tomorrow if she goes out with him tonight. He promises to take her anywhere she wants to go. Can he afford a case of dirty needles and a back alley? This is SoCal, after all. Claire agrees, and Teeth leaves, finally.

Nathan is in his mom’s hospital room, and either I’m totally high off the fermented grapes in my fridge or the Bear Face is gone! He has a nose! And a jaw! I can still make fun of him, though, because he definitely has what I refer to as an M.I.T., or a Mullet in Training. Nathan is angry at Matt for questioning his mom under “the circumstances,” but Matt says he knows she’s innocent. Nathan asks how, and Matt says, “The same way I know you can fly.” (“Does he watch him in the shower too?” –Liana) Nathan kind of looks at him like, “Duuude.” Matt shows Nathan the photos, and Nathan agrees to help. He asks to be alone with his mom, and Matt agrees.

Mother Creepy is putting on what looks like the same coat she had in the first season when she got arrested. Is that, like, her Cellblock Costume or something? Anyway, Nathan confronts her about confessing to something she didn’t do, and apparently, Mother Creepy realizes that she has a conscience. No, those are just voices in your head. With her last act of mothering, she tells Nathan that he has to get his own family back and check himself into a “program.” She tells him her confession is really for all the sins she’s committed, including the sin of being so creepy that I can’t even look at her. They hug, and she’s off to jail.

Calisto’s now moved from shotgun to the back seat, next to Sylar. No offense to Derek, but if I had the opportunity to sit next to Sylar in a wifebeater, I would totally take that too. Sylar claims that he got robbed, and that he’s going home to New York. Sylar asks if they’re visiting family, which proves to be a huge mistake because Calisto immediately sets off on some tirade about Pop Suresh’s book. Where are Sylar’s powers when you need them? Instead, he tells everyone that he and the Doc are old friends and that he will take them to him. He tells them his real name, which, if he’s not planning on killing them, is kind of retarded. This gives me hope- maybe the twins are going to be killed off? Please?

Monica is chopping up tomatoes at Burger Bonanza, singing “I Will Survive.” I know this sounds incredibly racist, but why does every show with an African-American character force them to sing? Monica’s coworker Camille wants to know why Monica’s in such a good mood, and Monica explains about the management test. Camille shoots her down, and I immediately hate her. Then Camille happens to look down at Monica’s tomato (that sounds so dirty) and notices that Monica carved it into a rose just like the one on Uhura’s show. Monica looks all freaked out, and the manager comes over to tell her that she’s not “qualified” for management because she takes care of her entire family. Um, excuse me? Doesn’t that make her eminently qualified? Her manager says that she’s good at the job she has now, and should just be glad to have one. Douche.

Claire’s house, dinner time. Claire turns down a family dessert outing- she’ll fit in in California so well! - to go to the library for a research paper. HRG seems to pick up immediately on the fact that this is a bold, stinking, lie, and offers her a ride. Yeah, I’ll bet. How many cast members has she NOT done? She offers to walk, even though her story would have made more sense if she would have just told Teeth to meet her at the library.

Anyway, Claire walks to the corner, and HRG, who knows that she’s full of shit, follows her creepily. Claire doesn’t even wait until she’s out of her driveway to pull her hair out of its ponytail, which it’s been in ALL DAY and doesn’t even show the slightest hint of ponytail bump. That’s so unfair and also annoying. Teeth is, of course, waiting in her driveway, although this time she was most likely expecting him so I guess it’s ok. When HRG finally catches up to them, they’re both gone and he never saw them. That never worked with me, and I was the pinnacle of stealth.

Nathan and Matt are at Nathan’s place, looking at photos. The two of them are totally into one that has all the ElderHeroes, including Nakamura, Mother Creepy, Linderman, Charles Deveaux, Blow, and a whole bunch of other smiling people who have no idea they’re about to bite it. Matt asks about Nathan’s sons, and then tells Nathan about his own family, which I guess is for our benefit more than his, just to catch us up: His wife cheated on him and the baby’s not his. That bitch! They move the conversation back to the picture, and Matt figures out that the killer is probably in the photo. Matt points out his father as being present in the photo, too. They look nothing alike. Good casting.

Back to Thunder Thigh Bonanza. Monica is all upset about her job and says that God is punishing her for wanting to get out of New Orleans. Camille says that’s normal. When are the characters on this show going to realize never to use that word?

Teeth is making fun of Claire for her destination choice and I’m confused- does this dude want some ass or not? The camera slowly pulls back to reveal that the two are sitting on top of the Hollywood sign. Claire is boringly reminiscing about her life in Texas, and she says she can never open up to anyone again. Teeth says he’d like her to try (“I bet he’d like her to open up.” –Liana) Claire says she’d like to trust him, so he tells her…to jump? How will that help? Again, I’m confused. She does, although no one in their right mind would, and Teeth flies off the sign and catches her. Then he actually says, “I know you can heal, Claire, but I never want to see you hurt.” Gag. My mom cries at commercials and she actually just threw up a little in her mouth. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my mom watches this show and she also waits for Peter’s shirtless scenes every week.

So Teeth and Claire start making out, and me, my mom, and Liana all start puking in sync. And, as the camera lingers on the “WOOD” part of the sign, I can’t help but think that the writers are trying to tell us something.

Back to Micah and his obnoxious cousin. Micah is doing something weird to the TV, and sure enough, Semenal Misfire gains access to his stupid wrestling show. How long until he starts bugging Micah for porn? Monica comes home, and S.M. credits his cousin with being “some kind of genius,” which if you think about it, is pretty stupid considering how easy it is to wire the TV to get free shit and S.M. hasn’t seen one-tenth of what Micah can do. Monica sits down and looks really sad, and Micah apologizes, and agrees to follow the rules from now on. Micah hugs Monica, and tells her he wishes he could fix her dreams for her. This is how it’s done, not corny one-liners delivered by 30-year-old high-schoolers with monster-sized chompers.

Micah sits on the couch with S.M., who’s still watching his wrestling. We all watch the TV as a wrestler swings his entire body out of the ring, then back in as he kicks another dude in the face. The camera pans to Monica as the move reflects in her eyes. It’s pretty evident that something important is happening, but we don’t know what.

Matt/Mo’s apartment. Matt clutches the ElderHeroes photo as his “family” arrives, and Matt wastes no time in asking Molly to find his father. Next time, try opening with a simple “hello” or a “how are you?” He explains that his dad left when he was 13, giving him $120 and a pat on the head. I sense a Heroes Lifetime movie! He continues that his dad is a criminal and that he needs to find him to help with a case. Molly agrees to help, but then freaks and tells Matt and Mo that his dad is the Nightmare Man. Cue scary music. And commercial break.

Now that we’re on a photography kick, we cut to Nathan staring longingly (and not at all gay-ly) at a picture of his brother from, like, ten years ago. This is all the Milo footage we get this week? With a scary semi-tux and perm/mullet? I feel instantly betrayed. Nathan looks up from the picture, and his face is doing a weird Pinhead-type thing. It’s creepy as fuck.

Teeth and Claire are in her driveway, and instead of dropping her on her head, like I would do, he plants her safely back down on her driveway. It’s really late, so Teeth suggests they come up with a lie so they can keep seeing each other. Eh, he’s not worth it. Claire sarcastically suggests telling him she’s volunteering at a soup kitchen, but Teeth suggests coming up with something her father really doesn’t want her to do. Claire leaves to concoct her story, but Teeth asks for at least a good night. Claire returns for another make-out session, telling him, “You’re killing me.” Don’t get our hopes up.

The newly-hot Sylar, Derek and the Wonder Twins are at a roadside stop to pee and check out Sylar in his wifebeater. Derek is checking out the newspaper, which happens to show the “WANTED” sign from the first episode. Smart move picking up the guy in the cell next to you when you knew nothing about him, though. I mean, I never would have seen that coming. Sylar comes in, and Derek says they have to ditch the twins. Derek turns to the phone to call the police, and Sylar grabs the brick that had been on top off the newspapers. I think we all know where this is going. Too bad you’re such a dumbass, Derek.

Sylar goes back to the car and confronts the twins about the ad. Calisto spills everything. Sylar says that Derek is calling the cops, and Calisto freaks out, which brings out the black shit, which I thought we’d get a break from this week. I was wrong, unfortunately. Wifebeater calms her down, and Sylar realizes they both have power. Sylar steals the car and drives off, promising that Pop Suresh will help them, and we see Derek lying on the ground in the dirt, sadly unable to join them, due to being all bloody and dead and stuff.

Claire comes into the house, and HRG jealously starts accusing her of being with a boy. Claire takes out the cheerleading release form, and says that she made the squad. I wonder how she’s going to get out of that one if she doesn’t? Claire says that cheerleading means a lot to her, and HRG agrees to let her do it if she doesn’t date. She agrees, thinking her dad is just being paranoid, even though he’s really just concerned that he’ll die if she makes out with someone. You know what? I think we all will.

The Haitian arrives and tells HRG they have to go to the Ukraine to find the paintings, and HRG agrees, saying he’ll think of a lie to tell his family. I still don’t get the point of this- they already know what’s going on.

Outside Molly’s room, Matt and Mo are discussing Molly’s freakout over Matt’s dad. Matt’s sorry, but he has to find his dad, and Molly has to help. Way to sacrifice your kid’s happiness for your own. Mo’s like, “That’s an emphatic NO,” Matt wants to find out whether his dad is the killer. If that’s the first place he goes, what do you think the answer is? Mo offers to take him to Blow, who he knows as “Bob.” Bob? That’s the most original name the writers can come up with? When Peter’s not shirtless for a week, the entire creativity gene goes to shit. As the two argue about whether Molly should have to face her worst nightmare, she comes out of her room and agrees to help Matt.

Thunder Thigh Bonanza. Monica and her manager are locking up for the night, and her manager hands her the keys. So she’s not qualified to be a manager, but she’s trustworthy enough to lock the place up? Whatever. Some grody-looking dude forces his way in and tries to hold the place up with a handgun, and Monica, being pretty smart, follows his directions and sits as he goes to the register. And then, suddenly, she gets up at lightning speed and does the same awesome move that she saw on the Pay-Per-View wrestling show. It kicked so much ass that I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing. Her manager returns and incredulously asks where she learned how to do that, and Monica answers, “On TV…”

Back at the apartment, Molly is armed with her thumbtack and an atlas, ready to find Daddy Matt. She mentally locates Philadelphia, which houses one of my most hated baseball teams, especially after this season (damn you, Pat Burrell!). She’s too scared to go inside the apartment building she sees, but after Mo’s reassurance, she finds the 3rd floor. She claims that the Nightmare Man knows she’s there and that he’s coming, but selfish Matt presses on. She gives him an apartment number, and Matt tells her to get out. She starts screaming, and then collapses on the couch. Mo tells Matt that she’s in shock and can’t wake up. Matt is yelling her name, but she can only answer him from inside her head. It’s like that scene in Fievel when the two mice are singing to each other from different continents. Good going, Matt- at least you know you’re sleeping underneath the same big sky.