THE LINE
You know what’s weird? Fight Club- the movie- is on my brothers’ TV right now, and Fight Club- the dude- is also lying in a charred heap on the floor of the Wandering Rocks pub. He’s in this scene in the movie, too. Mmmm, Brad Pitt, shirtless. He can knock me around whenever he wants.

Anyway, down to business. This week picks up where last week left off, with Peter and Irish Setter standing over Fight Club’s burned body. Someone’s called the cops, and the pub is now a crime scene. Peter apologizes for causing Fight Club’s death, and Irish Setter says that it was her brother’s choice to cover for him, and that she’s come to terms with his death. Already? What a bitch. Peter that he’s going to Montreal to find the killer and The Setter offers to go with him; can you say clingy?

Costa Verde. Last week we got a reprieve from Claire and I prayed that she’d been written off; unfortunately, no such luck. Claire is trying out for the cheerleading squad and I have to admit, her proficiency for gymnastics puts her acting skills to shame. Then again, my competitive eating skills put her acting to shame, and I’m just under 100 pounds, so there you go. However, the Head Cheerleading Bitch, who is clearly in her late twenties, isn’t that impressed, and claims that none of the girls made it. One of the other cheerleaders disagrees, but she’s not the Head Bitch, so it doesn’t work. Claire thanks the other girl for trying, and the Head Bitch comes over and tells Claire she’s not EXTRAORDINARY, placing full emphasis on the word. We’re all supposed to notice the irony.

We get a break from Claire and find Monica in New York with Mo. She’s also doing gymnastics, but I’m a lot more intrigued by her storyline, because, frankly, she’s not an ungrateful cow. Monica wants an explanation as to what is going on with her powers, and Mo tells her that she has “adopted muscle memory.” He tells her a little bit about the facility- that it’s helping her and others like her- and we all know that’s a big pile of horseshit. Blow comes in and introduces himself as “Bob,” a name that is so un-creative that I can’t help thinking it’s a code name. Wouldn’t that be something?

Blow calls Mo out of the room and, once they’re both out of Monica’s earshot, informs Mo that he’s supposed to give Monica the virus. Mo sees a folder labeled ADAM MONROE, and calls Blow on it. Blow informs him that there’s a variation of the Shanti virus that they need to inject into innocent people. Mo is all, “I think NOT,” but Blow says that experimenting with the virus is the only way to create a vaccine. Mo tells Blow that this may cause an incurable virus that could infect the world. A-ha- now we’re getting somewhere, and note my use of the word “A-ha.” I’m sorry. I promise never to do that again. I like that song, though. Blow then brings up Sylar and says that some people’s abilities must be stopped, which totally gives him license to test the virus on innocent people like Monica.

Mo doesn’t agree, but instead of growing a spine, he calls HRG and tells him about the virus experimentation. HRG tells Mo to just test the virus on Monica, because if he doesn’t, the Company will get rid of him. And that would be, like, bad or something.

Our new foreign location for the week is the Ukraine, where a woman in some designer gown that looks like Vanna White wore it in the ‘80’s is telling some kid not to be late. The dude from the Lee Harvey Oswald episodes of Quantum Leap comes in and he is WAY too old to be married to this broad. She’s like, 35 and he’s gotta be at least 60. But those episodes of QL were awesome. Cougar and the kid leave, and HRG walks in and starts speaking Russian. My head is spinning from all these languages. Apparently this new dude’s name is Ivan, but that sounds like a girl’s name and I’m just going to call him Lee Harvey Oswald, No, LHO, because Lee Harvey Oswald is too much typing and my fingers are too small. HRG greets LHO as a friend, then smacks him across the face. What did he do, steal HRG’s Big Wheel?

Claire’s still in school- this and the fact that the janitor teaches science are both a total testament to dropping out. She and Teeth are talking/annoying me at the lunch table. They’re having a boring conversation about how Claire lied to her dad about cheerleading and ha ha! She didn’t make the squad! Sucks to be you, Claire. Teeth then comes up with some plan about how to totally humiliate the Head Bitch and get Claire on the squad. We don’t hear it yet, because that would destroy the curiosity that I don’t have, but I’ll bet it involves Teeth flying and Claire injuring herself and then healing.

The Wonderless Twins are back. I guess they weren’t killed off, either. I would be really angry, but I guess the writers knew that everyone hates those two, so they got the genius notion to stick Zachary Quinto in a wifebeater. Man, he looks good (Liana makes lion noises over the phone). I’m trying to remember if he was this hot last year. I think he probably was, but it was hidden under lame-ass sweaters and geek glasses.

Anyway, Wifebeater is asleep in the backseat and Calisto is driving, which leaves no opportunity for road head. Sylar and Calisto are talking about their respective powers- she thinks hers is terrible because she kills people, and Sylar wants to see Dr. Suresh to get his back. Then he totally hits on her and says that their powers can be pretty cool if they let them. Dude, they both totally want to get it on. It actually looks like it might happen until Wifebeater wakes up and ruins everything. His power is obviously “Boner Destroyer.” Calisto brilliantly tells Wifebeater Sylar’s entire plan and says that Sylar’s a gift from God. Maybe in that shirt, he is.

We jump from one boring, unnecessary plotline to another. The restorer and Ando sit down to read the scrolls, which means it’s about time for my snack.

In 1671, Yaeko is painting a picture of White Beard’s camp. I’m beginning to sense a theme here- maybe she can start painting pictures of something more exciting- Shirtless Peter, perhaps? Hiro tries to convince Yaeko not to fight, but she insists that as long as Kensei is with her, she has nothing to be afraid of. She seems to be ignoring the fact that Kensei is a borderline alcoholic, but whatever. Yaeko is worried about finding White Beard, but Hiro announces that he can be found in a tent that has smoke coming from it; also, it’s red while the others are tan. White Beard is pretty stealth. Yaeko is mad at him for guessing, even though he’s totally not; that was in the stories Hiro’s father used to tell him. Kensei enters and says the exact same thing and Yaeko gets all suspicious. Hiro just starts homo-ing about Kensei again. And I’m bored.

Back in the Ukraine, LHO is tied to a chair as HRG tries to find out about the paintings. LHO claims he doesn’t know anything, and he’s not intimidated by HRG because he trained him, and his “invisible partner, Claude.” They should totally bring him back- that guy rocked. HRG gets all up in the dude’s face and goes, “Then you know what I’m capable of- don’t make me do this.” The atmosphere gets pretty tense. The Haitian comes out, and HRG tells LHO that if he doesn’t give up the location of the paintings, the Haitian will erase all his memories, including the birth of his children and his wedding day. To his credit, LHO doesn’t look that scared. Dude’s good. We cut to commercial.

When we come back, it turns out HRG wasn’t kidding. LHO’s memories are gone, but he still won’t talk. Damn, all I would need is a piece of cheesecake and I’d give up my ATM code. Don't get any ideas. All of a sudden HRG gets a phone call from Claire, who in true Claire fashion has impeccable timing. She wants to borrow the car, and HRG, exhibiting stellar fathering capabilities considering her last car got stolen, says yes. Claire asks where he is, and HRG lies that he’s in Tulsa. Because Claire doesn’t trust him, she knows he’s lying, but he gets off the phone. Then we cut to Claire, where Teeth walks up with a ski mask. Apparently their plan involves robbing a bank at gunpoint, so she’s the last person who should be accusing anybody of anything.

HRG continues to menace his old friend, who thinks that it must be difficult for Claire, always running and having to worry about being discovered. I’m confused- aren’t all his memories gone? Oh, wait, it’s just some of them; HRG instructs the Haitian to remove all LHO’s memories of the Bennet clan as well. This finally gets to LHO- he says family is important to both of them and maybe they can make a deal. So let me get this straight: this dude would rather remember HRG’s family than his own? How is this realistic? Anyway, the deal LHO offers HRG is to come back to the Company, and HRG’s not having it. Something tells me this will not end well.

Meanwhile, Sylar and The Wonderless Twins are still heading for the border. Maybe when they get there, Sylar will finally kill them and then take off his shirt. I don’t know why, but they decide to just drive through a fence, which of course attracts the Border Patrol. Sylar tells them to just drive around the dudes with guns, and Calisto actually does it and prays to God. I hate her even more, because she’s clearly a moron.

In NYC, Mo and Monica are in a room with a scary-looking needle. Of course, all needles are scary-looking to me, because I hate needles. Mo’s about to stick the needle into Monica’s arm, and I outwardly cringe because seriously, I HATE needles. Suddenly, though, he grows a sack and decides that he’s not going to inject a virus into a guiltless person. He tells Blow, and Blow says that if he won’t, someone else will. Mo grabs a chair and throws it at the cabinet of vaccines, destroying everything inside. He says that he’s taking Fievel Face and leaving. That’s a nice concept, Mo, but they’ll never let you leave.

In Mexico, the twins are stuck in the car, which is surrounded by Border Patrol. Encouraged by Sylar, Calisto brings on the black shit and drives off.

At Claire’s school, there’s some hazing ritual going on with the cheerleaders. The Head Bitch is clearly wasted off her ass. Claire comes over and asks to talk to her in private- she wants another shot at tryouts. Of course, Head Bitch says no- I might like her if she weren’t such a stereotype and she also didn’t look like she was already in and out of high school six times. While she and Claire are talking, Teeth flies down, grabs Claire and takes off with her in his arms. The two of them pretend to fight in the air and Teeth drops Claire on the stairs of the school. Head Bitch gets the hell out of there and even I have to admit that their plan, whatever it is, is pretty cool.

Head Bitch is giving her statement to the cops, and she totally may have wanted to pop a mint first, because the cops are looking at her like, “Whatever, dude. You’re plastered.” As Head Bitch insists that Claire is dead on the stairs, Claire walks up, all, “What’s up, Bitches?” All the cheerleaders watch and silently mock as another cop walks up with a liquor bottle.

In 1671 Japan, Hiro, Yaeko and Kensei hide behind a bush in a scene that frankly, was kinda like those old cartoons where the character hid behind a shrub and you could see their feet as they used it to move around and follow the gorilla or whatever. Kensei tells Hiro that he’s given him purpose and made him a better man. Seriously, guys, just kiss already. Kensei finds the guard, who stabs him, but of course that doesn’t do jack shit. Kensei removes the sword from his stomach and smacks the guard in the face with the end. The only thing that keeps me watching this plotline is David Anders’ comedy.

The three of them enter the tent and find Yaeko’s father. Mr. Yaeko says that he has to stay, because he’s the only one that can destroy White Beard’s arsenal of guns, and if he doesn’t help White Beard, Yaeko will die. Apparently White Beard has plans to overthrow the Emperor, and Hiro says that if guns are used, it will end the way of the Samurai and the Sword. Enough with the history lessons, Hiro. Hiro explains that destroying all the guns is how Kensei will save Japan. So Kensei cuts Mr. Yaeko’s chains and they all run away- in broad daylight. And no one stops them.

In Fievel Face’s hospital room, she’s still in the coma that Evil Parkman put her in. Mo is standing watch like the Felix that he is. How come Matt never comes to visit? Blow appears and apologizes for asking Mo to play around with the virus. He says that the Company is dealing with someone who’s even more dangerous than Sylar, and Mo asks if it’s Adam Monroe. After confirming this, Blow basically goes on to say that Mo is the Company’s moral standard and they need him to stick around. Mo doesn’t trust Blow, so Blow offers him what sounds to me like a partner, and what also sounds like someone who could be a very bad guy.

Again with Japan. Hiro, Yaeko, Kensei and Mr. Yaeko are being chased, because they were stupid enough to run around in the middle of the day. Kensei fights off guards and some asshole points a gun at Yaeko. Hiro grabs her and squints his eyes to time travel, because that won’t be suspicious at all, and Kensei might get mad that Hiro is cheating on him. I meant Yaeko. Yaeko is cheating. Anyway, Hiro pulls Yaeko out of the path of the gun and into another set piece, and Yaeko gets all freaked out.

Anyway, Hiro brings Yaeko back to Japan, and she’s still PMS-ing at him about his powers. Hiro’s trying to fake like he didn’t do anything but she knows that’s BS. She knows that Hiro can move from one place to another, and she knows that he was pretending to be Kensei. She asks him if he loves her, and he says that he does. And then they start making out. I thought Hiro was totally going to die a virgin, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately Kensei can see them and you know he’s pissed. Hiro’s voiceover goes, “It was the kiss that changed me forever, Ando.”

Hold up. A kiss changed you forever? If a blowjob changed you forever, ok then. But a kiss? What is this, third grade?

Anyway, that was the last scroll, so hopefully we’ll get a new storyline. Probably not, though.
We go back to Sylar and the Wonderless Twins. Wifebeater is trying to kick Sylar’s ass, which is pretty funny considering the weight ratio. Calisto breaks up the fight, and I imagine her interference only works because Sylar really wants to get laid and knows that beating up a woman’s family member is not the way to get that accomplished.

Wifebeater tries to make her choose between the two of them, and in my head I’m making a scale with my hands: annoying, meddlesome brother or hot, potential bang. Wifebeater says that Sylar can stay, but she’ll have to learn to control her powers on her own. Calisto goes to get something to take care of Sylar, who graciously takes the opportunity to inform Wifebeater of his plan to eventually kill both of them. Yes, please!

In Costa Verde, Claire is feeling guilty about what she and Teeth did to Head Bitch. Why? I thought it was awesome. So does Teeth, who thinks Claire is bringing him down. The nice cheerleader comes over and tells Claire that Head Bitch got kicked off the squad for being drunk, so Claire’s in.

Here’s the problem I have with Teeth and Claire’s little scheme: first of all, they were banking on the probability that Head Bitch would be smashed out of her mind at that very moment, and that the penalty for being drunk would be a permanent, not temporary, booting from the squad, and not a suspension or anything. Isn’t it convenient that things worked out for them just so? Other than that, though, bang-up job!

On the other side of the world, HRG sees a photo of LHO’s daughter, and LHO confirms that she died of leukemia. HRG threatens to take his memories of her, and this finally gets to LHO, who says that the paintings are in “the warehouse,” where they “tagged the liquid man.” LHO wants the Haitian to erase his memories of HRG’s visit, but HRG knows that this will lead the Company to his family. He trashed LHO’s home to make it look like a burglary, but I watch enough Law & Order to know that HRG’s prints are now all over the house. He points his gun at LHO’s head and did my bedroom actually get colder, or was that a chill running down my spine? LHO yells at HRG that he’s condemning himself to Hell. HRG pulls the trigger, looks at his friend’s dead body, and says, “I know.”

Fuck, man.

In 1671, Hiro runs up to Kensei, who’s crouched over a fire, probably tearing up photo booth pictures of the two of them together and performing other break-up rituals. Kensei tells Hiro that he saw him and Yaeko together, and that Hiro betrayed him. Hiro tells him that he and Yaeko are in love, and Kensei says that “first you show me how I can be harmed by no weapon; then you cut me deeper than any blade ever could.” (“Ooh- burn.”- Liana) Hiro says that he’ll back off, and that they must stop White Beard, and his obsession with this is starting to get really irritating. Kensei agrees to do it, but then he hits Hiro, which is what we’d all like to do, and Hiro falls. White Beard enters with Yaeko and her father, and tells Kensei that whatever he wants will be his. Good job, Hiro, you dumbass.

The Company’s taken Monica back to New Orleans and outfitted her with an iPod, which is a device that really belongs on Journeyman, which overloads us every single week on its Apple sponsorship. I’d want my iPod jacked up with Clash tunes; however, Blow informs Monica that this one has videos of kick-ass moves to practice her powers with. Monica says that the iPod’s like her “own personal Oprah.” Monica rules.

Mo’s back at the Company, and Niki enters. Ali Larter just did a Cosmo cover, and she looks better here than she did in that stupid pose that Cosmo makes all their models do. Although she looked great there, too. If I were a blonde, I’d want to look exactly like Ali Larter, although I wouldn’t put whipped cream on my genitalia, because that just seems like a yeast infection waiting to happen. Mo seems shocked to see her, though Niki claims she’s feeling better, thanks to the Company. I don’t like this new, seemingly stupid Niki. I like the old, super-strong, pulls doors off walls Niki. Also, she looks like she’s wearing the Editor pants from Express. Sateen? Seriously? The old Niki had way better fashion sense.

Niki tells Mo she’s his new partner, and Mo is like, “Brr?” She looks happy, but also like she kind of wants to throw him into some glass. Liana and I are sort of afraid.

In the Ukraine, it seems as if HRG and the Haitian have found the paintings and are assembling them in what appears to be some kind of order. The first one is of Dad Nakamura’s death; then there’s one of a hand holding a vial. Painting #3 appears to be what is probably Niki banging angrily on a wall; #4 is hidden and we can’t see what it is. The fifth one is missing, the sixth one is what I believe is Hiro fighting Kensei, and the seventh is Suresh with a bandage on his nose, holding a smoking gun. Hm, interesting. The last picture, which we’ve already seen, is of HRG’s death. HRG asks what the pictures mean, which is a great question to ask an audience that has to figure out something new every week.

We cut to Peter- finally!- and Irish Setter as they stand outside the building that happens to be in the painting of their own, as they look at the picture and see the exact same scene represented in it. They’re in Montreal, for both of you who didn’t get it. They enter the building, and Jesus, this room is messier than mine. The mirror has a tag with Peter’s name written on it, and he goes to the note and reads it. It says, “Meet me in the stables in five minutes and be naked. I’ll bring the jodhpurs.” It’s from me.

No, seriously. When he turns the note over, it reads: “We were right about The Company. The world is in danger. It’s up to us. Adam.” Peter has no clue who Adam is, and doesn’t know about the Company, either. He’s getting all pissed that he can’t remember shit, and doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do about the world being in danger. May I suggest a lap dance?

Irish Setter hugs Peter, who asks her to tell him who he is and what the future holds. That would have been the perfect time to suggest sex. Woman, what the fuck is the matter with you?

When Peter opens his eyes, they’re standing in front of Times Square. Neither of them know how they got there, but they do recognize the stench of urine and sewer water, so they realize they must be in New York City. The place is totally uninhabited-maybe the water crept over from New Jersey and killed everyone. Peter picks up one of the pieces of paper from the ground and sees that it’s an evacuation order dated June 14, 2008. So that means they’re in future New York City. Liana and I collectively make Scooby noises as we contemplate having Fifth Avenue all to ourselves, virus be damned.