KINDRED

Apparently the writers on this show really want to make up for the fact that the first episode had like, three seconds of Milo Ventimiglia, because this episode also opens with Peter and his new friend Fight Club (Third Rule of Fight Club: Peter must always have his shirt off). Unfortunately, Peter is fully dressed, so I’m not completely invested in the action on the screen. I am, however, extremely interested in the October issue of Men’s Fitness, which has Milo on the cover with a bunch of pictures of him doing gym-type stuff, plus pictures of some of the other Heroes cast members and the hot guy from CSI: NY.

Anyway. Peter and Fight Club are going over this new plan of Fight Club’s that will turn Peter into a criminal. Which means, eventually, handcuffs. My God, I need to stop. Fight Club tells Peter that he that he has to distract the guards so his gang can get some money. That should be easy, Peter- just take off your shirt. Anyway, if Peter does this, he’ll get the box, so everybody wins. Peter hears one of the other guys think that he’s going to take the money and run (hilarious movie, shitty song), and announces this to everyone. Smooth move, ace. Why don’t you bring even more attention to your freak powers? No one believes him, though, and Fight Club brings up their family crest, which happens to be a tattoo that everybody has except Peter.

We join The Wonder Twins in Mexico. Wifebeater wants to steal a car, because Calisto can’t walk anymore. Whatever happened to piggyback rides? Wifebeater picks the most convenient vehicle he can find, which just happens to be baking in the hot sun on a busy street. Of course, a cop sees them and carts Wifebeater off to the pen. Maybe they’ll be written off. Please?

Now we’re in Vegas with Niki and Micah. I was wondering when they were going to show up. Ali Larter kicks ass, and her power rules. There are so many people I would love to just punch in the face, with no repercussions. If you’re as sharp as I am, you may have noticed that Leonard Roberts’ name isn’t in the credits anymore, and that may be because- whoopsy!- he’s dead. Too bad, because I liked him on Buffy, and I liked him even more on this show, because he wasn’t playing an asshole that spent his time trying to fuck up Sarah Michelle Gellar’s relationship. D.L.’s gravestone says “Daniel Lawrence Hawkins, 1976-2007, Father, Husband, Hero.” It’s kind of sweet, but have you noticed that the word “hero” is used an awful lot? We’re not idiots; we know what show we turned on.

Now, apparently, we’re supposed to believe we’re in Maui. There’s some redheaded girl we’ve never seen before (fuck. Another new Hero? How many of them are there going to be? I can barely keep up with the old ones) talking ominously on a cell phone about someone who’s “fine, …but still sleeping.”She hangs up the phone, and “he” is Sylar! Even in a Hawaiian shirt, he’s still kind of hot. He asks where he is, and she tells him Maui. I’ve been to Maui, and the fake set is pretty persuasive. Then he asks who she is. She seems to look at her own boobs, and identifies herself as “Michelle,” formerly “Candice.” Long-time viewers know her as the bitch who shape-shifts, kidnapped Micah, tried to beat up Niki, rigged Nathan’s election and generally pissed everybody off.

"Candice" explains that she saved Nathan from Kirby Plaza and now the police are looking for her. Ya think? It’s called “harboring a fugitive.” She reminds him of what happened in last season’s finale, about how he got stabbed in the chest and all, and informs him that he’s had multiple surgeries and that if he moves, he’ll rip his stitches, which, for the sake of this illusion, have temporarily disappeared. Sylar demands to know what’s really going on, and Hawaii, along with his disgusting apparel, disintegrates, and we’re treated to a weird looking cabin-type area and a hideous scar in his gut. Sylar begins to scream in pain as we cut to Claire’s bedroom. I often have that reaction when I have to watch Hayden Panettiere decimate a script.

Claire is reading Pop Suresh’s book when HRG comes in and tells her that her mom made waffles. My dad used to make really good pancakes and cut them into cute little shapes. Anyway, HRG apologizes to Claire for yelling at her back at Makeshift Kinko’s because he knows she just wanted to talk to him. Actually, I don’t blame him for yelling; Claire is a bitch.

Claire asks what would happen if anyone were to find about her powers and her dad replies that she would be written off the show. Sorry, that’s just my wishful thinking. He does, however, tell her that they would have to go into hiding again, only it would have to be somewhere else where she couldn’t destroy written dialogue, like, say, Jupiter. Claire, who knows West saw her cut off her toe (EW!), knows that she has to explain herself, so the camera swings over to Costa Verde High, where she finds The Boy with the Enormous Teeth immediately.

Claire gives the lame excuse that she was giving herself a “pedicure,” which, come on, is completely retarded, and even he knows that’s a lie. Then Claire finally calls him on his stalking, and Teeth tells her he was just dropping a book off at her house. Claire tells him to stay away from her, and he says that he will if she admits to who she really is (“I don’t think you get to make that call, Stalker.” –Liana) Claire just walks away instead of doing what we all wish she would, which is deliver a swift kick to his face.

Mo/Parkman’s joint. Matt is watching over Molly as she sleeps. He wakes up and grabs his gun when he hears someone in the apartment, but it’s only Mo. That was either Officer Parkman demonstrating some brilliant cop instincts or Matt being a total nitwit and not assuming that his roommate would be in the apartment. Mo tells Matt how he’s going to stay in New York and not be a field man for The Company, and he can start helping out with Molly. Matt is pissed off because this means Mo will be bringing his work home. Matt tells Mo about Molly’s struggles in school and that he doesn’t want to babysit Mo as well, which understandably pisses Mo off. They argue like a married couple, and this wakes up Molly, who runs over to Mo and hugs him. Why does she hate Matt so much? I thought he was her “hero.” I’m over it.

Ando’s in his office, and it looks like his work ethic matches mine, because I’m writing this blog when I should be planning a CD Release Party, and Ando’s playing video games when he should be…doing whatever the hell it is he does. His boss comes in and says that just because Nakamura liked him, it doesn’t mean he can screw around at work. Asswipe. Ando is like, “Whatever,” and opens one of his drawers to find a sword. He should have pulled it out and waved it in his boss’ face. That would have been sweet. Anyway, the sword has the words, “Ando Open” carved on the bottom, so he does, and there are scrolls inside. We start to get a voiceover from Hiro. Oh, great. I thought we might get a week off from this.

Hiro gives us a recap of the last couple of weeks, and we get visuals of the whole Hiro/Kensei saga. We’ve already seen this shit; get to the good stuff. We pick up with Kensei all confused about why he can heal himself, and when Hiro explains that Kensei has powers, it’s clear that Kensei thinks that Hiro is whacked out of his mind. When Hiro demonstrates this by pulling the arrows out of Kensei’s chest, he decides that Hiro’s cursed him and leaves. I’ve decided that this storyline has cursed me and I go back to reading Men’s Fitness. Well, not so much “reading” as staring at the pictures.

We’re back in Ireland, and we’re also back to Peter being shirtless. I guess the writers have recognized the best way to hold the audience’s attention. He’s trying to get the lightning to come out of his hands again by talking to it. Gorgeous and crazy? I sense a new boyfriend! Irish Setter asks him if that’s how the power works, trying to pretend that she’s actually interested and wasn’t just staring at his pecs or whatever. He says he doesn’t know, and puts his shirt back on. I doubt that’ll help- why don’t you just keep the shirt off and call it a day? Irish Setter tells him that he can trust her because she hasn’t told anyone about what he can do, and also because she always sees him with his shirt off and hasn’t molested him yet.

Mexico again. I actually answer the phone when it rings. It’s my mom. Anyway, Wifebeater’s in jail. This can’t end well. Or, it can, because Calisto is a series regular. Their “WANTED” picture is on the wall and the cops don’t even notice. Insert “Doughnut” joke here.

Claire’s school. You know, for someone with a degree to teach science, her teacher is a tool. If one of your students showed up out of nowhere and constantly brought up regenerating people and lizards and shit, wouldn’t you get a little suspicious? Wouldn’t you? Anyway, Teeth starts talking about lizards and humans mating and lizard girls cutting off appendages- would the appendage reattach itself? (“What an asshole. I hate him and his teeth are huge and gross.” –Liana) Since Claire isn’t allowed to draw any attention to herself, she leaves the room. Not obvious or anything. Costa Verde needs to stop letting their cafeteria workers teach their academic programs.

Back to Tokyo. Yawn. Hiro announces to Ando and the four of us who still haven’t gotten it that he’s in love with Princess Yaeko, who’s supposed to fall in love with Kensei. Hiro’s luck with girls is almost as shitty as mine is with guys. Hiro goes to get Kensei, who’s cutting his arm and watching it heal. Hiro decides to show Kensei his own power- dirty!- and in doing so not only teleports himself to the other side of the tree, but manages to take Kensei’s knife. Kensei decides to use his powers for money, and I wonder if he isn’t actually Jewish.

Hiro wants Kensei to use his power to fight White Beard and the Ninety Hungry Ronin, but Kensei says if Hiro’s so gung-ho about it, why doesn’t he do it instead? You know, that’s actually a pretty good point. Hiro says that Kensei has to stop walking away from his destiny, and he puts his hand on Kensei’s shoulder and puts the two of them directly in front of the Ronin, then zaps himself selfishly back to safety. I liked Hiro a lot better last season when he wasn’t a total buzzkill. BTW, why does no one in 1671 Tokyo think it’s weird that Hiro is dressed in clothes from 2007?

Claire again. (“Ew. Why?” –Liana) Claire’s either crying or making Cosmo Kramer- like yipping noises on the stairs outside the school. Teeth goes over to her and says, “So I take it you’re annoyed.” Some apology, douchebag. He again tells her to admit that she’s different. Dude, what the fuck is your deal? Seriously, go find a hobby. She goes off on some tangent and I actually feel sorry for her. West tells her to shut up and I’m like, “Huh? She’s admitting that she’s different; make up your damn mind.”

Then he picks her up and they actually fly. When Nathan did it last season, it was really cool, but when it’s used as some cheesy romantic gesture, it’s actually kinda lame and feels like it should have a Celine Dion song playing in the background.

Plus this was taking place right over the school, so this whole “Secret Identity” thing has just been blown wide open for both of them.

Peter is in a car getting ready for his new life of crime with Irish Setter, who should have her head hanging out the window in true Irish Setter fashion. Peter distracts the guards not by removing his clothing, but by yelling at them. Dammit. There’s all kinds of criminal mischief going on, and Peter manages to throw an armored car across the street with his superhotmanpowers. It is truly fucking awesome. Peter and Irish Setter drive off.

Isaac’s loft. I miss Isaac. I mean, sure, he was a recovering junkie, but he could also paint the future, and that could have definitely helped me come midterms. Blow and some FBI agents have commandeered the place and christened it as Mo’s new lab. Apparently Mo is supposed to work there under the watchful eye of Company spies. Mo finds this intrusive, but Blow doesn’t care, considering Mo is “part of the family now.” Which family is that, the Mansons?

We return to 1671, where Yaeko and Hiro are waiting for Kensei to return from fighting the Hungry Ronin. I don’t know why he just doesn’t make them all sandwiches or something, if they’re really that hungry. Anyway, Hiro assures Yaeko that Kensei hasn’t died and that he will return to her. She comments on Kensei’s seemingly split personality- referring, of course, to the real Kensei and Hiro/Kensei. Kensei returns, and Yaeko kisses him. Hiro’s feelings actually get hurt- boo hoo, Hiro. This scene serves no purpose other than an opportunity for me to get a snack.

Niki and Micah again- good, some characters I can get on board with. Not only is Micah brilliant, but he’s one of the only kids on TV that’s smart but not pretentious. We learn that Niki is leaving Micah with some family members he doesn’t know. Niki tells Micah not to use his powers, but Micah doesn’t like this idea. I agree, kid. If I had one-tenth of any of these people’s abilities, I could be president! Niki reminds him that this is their chance at a normal life, but Niki should know better than to use the word “normal” on this show. They have their tearful goodbye and Uhura from Star Trek answers when they knock. She’s from Star Trek, so you know she’s got Hero Powers.

Mexico again. I’m already bored. Calisto goes inside the jail to collect her brother, but she doesn’t have enough money. She starts arguing with the cop until she finally grabs their “WANTED” poster off the wall so she can pay his bail in gooey black shit. When Wifebeater sees the guy in the next cell’s eyes turn black, he knows his sister’s there. I prefer to make my entrance by just saying “Hi,” but whatever. The twins run away, but not before the guy next to them, who is clearly stoned, says that he should come with them because he has a car. They accept his offer.

Back in the Irish pub, Fight Club, Peter, Irish Setter and the rest of the crew are mulling over their good fortune by going through the cash they’ve obtained. Will, the guy Peter “overheard” earlier, pulls a gun on Fight Club and demands all the money be given to him. Peter announces that he was right, and Will shoots him. Suddenly, Will flies across the room and everyone looks at Peter as the bullet, which resembles a small turd, pops out of his chest. It’s pretty disgusting, but also kind of cool. Will is being held against the wall by an invisible force as everyone stares at Peter like, “What the fuck just happened here?” Will starts choking as Peter moves towards him. Liana and I are like, “Holy shit.” This is like what happened when I saw Optimus Prime on screen during the Transformers movie. Peter has this totally evil look on his face. He’s still really hot, though. The look turns to surprise as he drops Will on the ground, and the dude gets up and runs. Everyone is still staring at Peter like, “Duuude.”

Japan, 1671. We’re still getting Hiro’s gay-ass voiceover. Kensei walks over to Hiro and Hiro tells him he can leave now. Good, maybe now we’ll get a relevant plotline. Kensei says that he doesn’t want Hiro to go because he’s like his conscience. Since when is that a compliment? I mean, he basically called Hiro boring. Hiro explains that his being there almost fucked up an entire history and if he doesn’t leave he might cause more damage. He and Kensei bow to each other and Yaeko comes over and tells him he’s been a great friend. Ouch. Way to deflate the boner. Kensei and Yaeko walk off, and Hiro almost cries. Why is he such a pussy lately? He then tells Ando he can’t leave, and we settle in for more useless narration.

We now return to Sylar. Finally, someone else of interest. He sits at a table, trying to use his powers by moving a coffee cup with his mind. It’s not working, and he’s pissed. “Candice” brings him eggs, but he’s pretty ungrateful and whines about how she’s supposed to be taking care of him. Uh, hi? You’re not dead; I’d say she’s been doing a pretty bang-up job. Instead of stating the obvious, “Candice” assures him that once he’s healed, The Company will make sure that he has his powers back. I don’t know if this is true or not, because, he’s, um, evil, but anyway, “Candice” offers to help him. He makes some crack about her egg-making abilities, but she says her powers go beyond cooking and reminds him about their traveling ventures. She then claims that she can fulfill all his fantasies and morphs into a geisha, twins and Sylar himself. I wonder if she was subtlety telling him to “go fuck himself.” Anyway, he seems to like that one and makes some move like he’s going to kiss her, but breaks the cup over her head instead. Hey, to each his own. He says that he’ll get his abilities back, but he’s going to steal hers first. She morphs back into what she really looks like, and she’s actually not that attractive. I guess Missy Peregrym couldn’t be called away from the set of Reaper for five minutes. Sylar chastises her for trying to be something she’s not, but she’s dead, so his speech is kind of wasted. Besides, he pretends to be a total dork who works in a watch shop, so isn’t he kind of a hypocrite?

Sylar tries to use “Candice’s” stolen powers to go back to Hawaii, but he can’t. He then tries for a bunch of other places, but again, nothing. He’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, and it sucks. Dude, try living in Connecticut.

Back to Ireland. Irish Setter is at a table with Peter, tattooing the family crest onto his arm. Good God, that’s all I need. It seems as if Fight Club has decided that Peter is worthy enough to find out what’s in the box that contains his life story, because he says that Peter is now family, so he hands him Gwyneth Paltrow’s head and leaves.

Peter hesitates, because what if he left behind a life he doesn’t want? Well, there might be naked pictures of you inside that box, so get cracking! Irish Setter says she can tell he’s a good soul. Oh, please; I’ve come up with way better lines than that! She asks if he likes where he is right now and he nods, so she convinces him to leave the box for now. The girl’s good. Then they start making out. Slut! The camera pans down to Peter’s arm, where the tattoo morphs into the “S” symbol and then disappears. Apparently the tattoo hates Irish Setter, also.

Some beach, somewhere. Teeth and Claire are arguing and flirting about whose power is cooler. Claire thinks Teeth’s is better because he can get away from his parents when they’re annoying him, and Teeth likes Claire’s because she can’t get die. Honestly, I’m torn. There’s some lame flirting, and then he eats her face. No, it’s just kissing. We all saw it coming, because every website and magazine this summer published the spoilers about Claire’s new boyfriend.

Claire opens her eyes and sees two little black marks on Teeth’s neck. Man, that is a killer hickey. She asks what the hell that’s about, and he hesitantly explains about some weird bike accident a couple of years ago. He blacked out, and the last thing he remembers before he woke up in his own bed was a man with horn-rimmed glasses calling his name. Claire gets this look on her face like, “Oh, shit.” Or maybe she has to shit. I still can’t tell the difference between Hayden Panettiere’s facial expressions.

Isaac’s loft/Mo’s lab. Mo unconvincingly says he’ll get started on his research. Blow gets a call on his cell and takes it outside- it’s Niki. She’s in his office and she wants the cure. Blow agrees, but wants “something” in return.

Meanwhile, on his own phone, Mo tells HRG that The Company is moving all of Isaac’s paintings. Mo is strongly opposed to this and admits that he’s way over his head. HRG promises to take care of Mo “as long as I’m alive”. Mo finds a painting labeled “8/8,” which I can only assume is the last of a series, which prompts Mo to reply, “That’s exactly the problem”. Mo takes a picture of “8/8” and tells HRG that he’s sending it to him.

HRG looks at his computer and sees a series of slots, eight in all. The first one has the painting that we saw earlier, of Dad Nakamura’s death. The last one has the painting that Mo has just sent, and it ain’t pretty: It’s HRG with a bullet in his head, with Claire making out with someone (shocker) in the background. HRG looks up to see Claire, and he clears the screen. He smiles at her and says goodnight. She makes some kind of weird face and says her own goodnight, and he again looks at the painting of his own death.

LIZARDS

Did I get a job writing for this show? I must have, because this episode opens with Peter tied to a chair, half naked, with water being poured on him. If I didn’t write this, the writers must know me pretty well, because they’ve pretty much ensured my full attention for the next hour. Apparently this is how people are tortured in Ireland- I know some Irish people; are the Heroes writers trying to tell me that the next time I need some cash, all I need to do is show up at my friends’ houses with, like, an Evian bottle and some rope?

Fight Club and his friend continue to beat the shit out of Peter while I continue to stare at his rock-hard abs. (“Hel-LO.” –Liana) Anyway, the Irish thugs keep kicking his ass, asking about some iPods. What the hell? Just go to a Radio Shack. With Apple’s consistently slashed prices, even the Touch is probably $20 by now. We see the name of the pub- “Wandering Rocks,” dirty!- and I realize that this storyline is going to be chockfull of Irish stereotypes. But it’s also going to be chockfull of Half-Naked Peter, so I’m totally on board.

Cut to Claire. She always ruins my Peter-viewing- what the hell? She and her mom are making dinner. Mrs. Bennet drops her wedding ring into boiling water, and Claire decides- brilliantly- to retrieve it. Her hand blisters and automatically heals, which prompts her mom to bust out the series’ best line to date- “We do have a colander dear; no need to be flashy.” Ha! Love it. Her parents point out what viewers have already realized- that Claire sucks at this whole “not getting noticed” thing. I don’t know if it’s Hayden Panetierre’s dismal acting skills or the fact that Claire is a snotty little bitch. Claire mouths off that her father can get a job, but she can’t cheerlead. Right, because dancing around in a slutty outfit for some football players will totally pay the mortgage. HRG is like, “The copy place may pay the bills, but my actual job is keeping the family together, WHORE!” and Claire backs off and apologizes. She always has to kiss him, has anyone else noticed that? I swear she’s going to start fucking him, too.

Claire (finally!) leaves and Mrs. Bennet takes that opportunity to show HRG a newspaper article about Nakamura’s death. He’s actually pretty calm and says he expected it. His wife says he better not lie to her anymore. I like this woman. He explains to her about Isaac Mendez and his paintings, and shows her one that depicts Nakamura’s exact murder, down to the way his arms are positioned.

Now we’re on the roof with Ando, Parkman and some cops. Ando is being questioned about Hiro’s dad’s murder and Parkman is just standing there like a goob. He has a flash of homo where he won’t cross over the crime scene tape because he wants to “savor the moment.” Whatever. The chief shows Parkman the photo of Nakamura with the big Hero “S,” and Parkman lies and says he doesn’t recognize it. The chief notices that there’s only one body despite the fact that Ando swears he saw two people fall. Chief Asshole says either the killer got up and walked away or flew. He asks Parkman, and the viewers, if they know anyone who can do that. Ooh, we TOTALLY DO! Mother Creepy’s prints are on the photo, so Parkman suggests they talk to her immediately. God, I’m a better cop then him. No wonder he kept failing the test.

Parkman questions Ando and asks if he’s ever seen the “S” symbol. Ando says that he has- it’s Japanese and means “great ability” or “godsend.” It’s a Heroes episode title tie-in! Ando also points out that it’s the symbol of Takezo Kensei, the hero of Nakamura’s son Hiro. Parkman says he’d like to talk to Hiro, and Ando says that he would, also.

Yeah, well, cell phones got shitty reception back in 1671. Hiro must have had AT&T. But not Sprint, because they’re a sponsor of the show and their towers would have worked in ancient Japan. Kensei is drunk, and he tells Hiro that he looks like a fish when he talks. You know, I noticed that too. (“I think it’s more like a ferret.” –Liana) Kensei is too drunk to get up, though, so Hiro goes and puts on his armor. His love for this guy is a little too on the homoerotic side.

In Claire’s science class, her teacher is explaining about lizards and their ability to regenerate, which may explain how Claire’s boobs seemed to grow a whole cup size in four months. She does kind of have a face like a newt. Anyway, Claire decides that it wouldn’t be at all obvious to bring up people that can regenerate as well. She goes into this whole long diatribe about stem cell research and growing limbs for people and blah blah blah what a fucking idiot. The teacher says that what scientists are working on right now aren’t humans with regenerating powers but getting rid of unnecessary body parts. Everyone stares at Claire like she’s a mutant, which of course, she is. West is smiling at her like he just saw Peter naked.

Mo and Blow. Blow wants Mo to go to Haiti to save some guy who may have the virus that Mo is researching. Hm…Haiti…I wonder who this dude could be. Blow says that this is the same disease that killed Mo’s sister and is currently making Molly Walker act like such a spoiled little snot. Oh, and BTW, Mo? Your blood is the only cure. Have fun! Mo just makes a face and sets off for Haiti.

Oh great, it’s The Wonder Twins. I was starting to forget about them, and frankly, I was happy in that world. I mean, they’re not so bad, but the subtitles are annoying, and I don’t need any more of that gooey shit. Calisto and Wifebeater go to some old lady’s house that apparently is a friend of theirs and she moronically agrees to help them. (“Now, now…maybe she doesn’t know about the black shit.” –Liana) Calisto doesn’t want to risk their friend’s life, but Wifebeater doesn’t really seem to care that much. He’s kind of a dick. He’s starting to remind me of most of my ex-boyfriends. Except for the covered in dirt and “Wanted for Murder” part.

We again get to look at Peter, who’s still tied up and shirtless. This may be new favorite episode. Some door opens, and there’s a girl there, who says that she bets that Peter was prettier yesterday. Um, that’s gonna be tough, because he gets hotter by the hour. He still knows nothing about himself, although he does manage to tell her that he’s married to me. I may have just made that part up. She starts cleaning the blood off of him and he asks what Fight Club and his friends are planning on doing to him. I think he should be more concerned with what I’m planning on doing to him, considering it’s illegal in 46 states. She starts explaining this iPod deal to him; meanwhile; I’m hypnotized by the sight of Peter vulnerable and shirtless. Peter still can’t remember anything about that night; but the girl, who identifies herself as Caitlin and looks like an Irish Setter, seems to recall some kind of electricity knocking the bad guys on their ass. As the conversation continues, both Peter and Irish Setter realize that while there was plenty of blood on his face, there are no cuts or anything. They both look in the mirror, like, “What the fuck?” Meanwhile, I look at two Peters at the same time.

Now we’re in Haiti, or a pretty convincing set piece. More subtitles, only this time in French. And guess what? I totally remember my high school French! And my teacher thought I was retarded. Mo sees some dude in a bed and tells him he’s a doctor. He turns the dude over and guess who! It’s The Haitian (oh please. Like everyone wasn’t expecting it). Turns out The Haitian doesn’t want the cure because he’s evil. Doesn’t he know that girls love bad boys? They both start talking about signs from God and shit like that, and Mo tries to convince The Haitian to take the cure.

Calisto is in bed at the old lady’s house, and some weird reject from the Psychic Friends start talking about how Wifebeater protects Calisto blah blah blah and shit. Wifebeater then tells Psychic Friend their entire plan. Way to go, Mr. Wizard. Psychic Friend insists that she can heal Calisto, but then changes her mind and announces that Calisto’s power is “black.” Yeah, like that point hasn’t been driven home ad nauseum. Emphasis on the “nauseum.” Everyone completely checks out, like I did with this storyline about ten minutes ago.

Back to Hiro in 1671 Japan. Kensei’s future girlfriend is fighting a bunch of Samurai, but let’s be honest, it looks like a Jets/Patriots game, and she’s Pennington against the entire Patriots defensive line. Hiro, dressed like Kensei, makes the Samurai leave her alone, and then, how awesome is this, he TAKES ALL THEIR SWORDS and stabs them into the ground by BLINKING! Then he does the same thing with their arrows. It’s definitely on my top ten list of Coolest Things I’ve Ever Seen. The Samurai run away, and Hiro lifts the princess onto his horse (that sounds like a really dirty sex act. I like it).

We now have a close-up on Peter, who’s silently trying to break free from his ropes. Irish Setter and Fight Club are arguing about the fact that she has to babysit Peter and Fight Club tells her that if Peter makes a move, Irish Setter can shoot him. Um, excuse me? If Peter made a move on me, I would throw him down on the bed before he had time to inhale. Just saying.

Anyway, Fight Club leaves and Peter is now free to make all kinds of noises and movements until finally the ropes just kind of succumb to his hotness and do weird shit to let him escape. He gets up and runs to a window, which is conveniently incredibly easy to open. You’d think they would put him in a room with no windows, but then we wouldn’t get a shot of his ass, so I’m not really complaining. Then, for some, sick, strange, reason, he puts his shirt on. And the episode goes downhill fast.

The camera pans to Irish Setter, who’s cleaning up the bar when some Stereotypes walk in. Apparently these guys think it’s Tuesday at ten and they won the roles on SVU; they try their best “pick-up line” on Irish Setter, who responds by going for the gun she was supposed to use on Peter. One of the Stereotypes grabs the gun; she knees him in the nuts. He pushes her into the bar and takes out a tire iron. The choreography’s pretty sweet.

Peter, who’s been watching the scene from his room in the back, decides to come to Irish Setter’s rescue. His hand shoots some cool electric stuff and Stereotype #1 flies across the room. It’s AWESOME. The other guy tries to shoot him, but Peter is all, “yeah, right,” and waves the thing away without even touching it. The dude tries to punch him, but I think we all knew how that was going to work out. Peter lets his fist fly with a punch that frankly, is kind of a wuss shot, and Stereotype #2 hurls into the stratosphere. Peter and Irish Setter just kind of stand there wondering what the hell is going on. Seriously, could I want him more? I don’t think so.

Costa Verde. Claire is at her locker, and West shows up. This kid is really starting to irritate me. He claims that he thought she’d love unicorns. Unicorns? I mean, come on, dude, unicorns? She’s more likely to be into 45-year-old guys than unicorns. Anyway, West actually thinks it’s cool that Claire is into genetics, but since in TV high school, you can’t be smart and popular, Claire backpedals and says she’s not. West then becomes even more annoying by telling her to stop hiding who she is. Dude, this is not the way to get laid. Then he starts talking about Pop Suresh’s book, which Claire is interested in arguing with him about until she realizes that her car got stolen. Nice going, dumbass.

We go back to 1671- anything to get away from those enormous fucking teeth- and Hiro and the princess are saying some corny romantic shit. He won’t remove his mask, because she thinks Hiro is Kensei and- duh!- he’s not. The princess wants to be kissed, but Hiro knows that he can’t. He stops time and makes the petals come off the cherry blossom trees. When the princess opens her eyes, Hiro is gone. This part was kind of sad, actually.

The Haitian and Mo are sitting around Haiti. Mo’s cure worked, but this actually sucks, because the virus is spreading. The Company needs Mo to bring The Haitian in, and The Haitian is like, “sure, why not?” Um, OK. Then Blow appears, and informs Mo that The Haitian took his memory and they’ve been unable to reach him for hours. Mo fakes being all surprised, and Blow is totally fooled, saying that Mo made a mistake and he better not let it happen again. Whatever, dude. You were in Miss Congeniality 2.

Calisto, Wifebeater and their friend are on their way to…some place I couldn’t care less about. There’s a pipe, and the old lady goes first, followed by Calisto. Before Wifebeater goes inside, they see a truck. Calisto doesn’t want to leave without her brother (those two are a little too close), but the old lady tells her she has to. Suddenly the gross black stuff comes back, and the old lady starts choking on something invisible, the black shit appearing in her eyes as well. Wifebeater shows up and grabs Calisto’s hand and starts singing to her in Spanish, and the gross shit goes into his eyes instead. The disgusting crap disappears from the old lady’s eyes and she starts freaking out and leaves them both in the dust.

Claire goes to the Makeshift Kinko’s to tell her dad about her car. HRG takes the news remarkably well, saying he thought it was going to be something worse. My dad would have shot my head out of a cannon, but OK. Then Claire has the balls to ask for another car. That was pretty retarded, but I guess it leaves room for more product placement. HRG pulls her into the back and they get into an argument about Claire’s gift. Claire is tired of being in hiding, and HRG is tired of explaining to her that he’s trying to protect her, Goddammit. I for one am tired of Claire being an ungrateful piece of shit.

Parkman is interrogating Mother Creepy about Nakamura’s death. He asks her if they were fighting and she says they were old friends and friends sometimes argue. No shit- my girlfriends and I mud wrestle each other over shoes on a regular basis. The chief mentions that Mother Creepy has stock in Nakamura’s corporation and that the company’s losing money, and that the most common reasons for murder are money and sex. Mother Creepy replies, “Well, I don’t need the money, and Kaito and I weren’t sleeping together. Not for a long time.” My eyes! Did a cold chill run down anyone else’s spine?

Parkman shows Mother Creepy the picture of her with the “S” symbol, and she lies that it’s the symbol of her husband’s firm. He asks why it’s drawn on Nakamura’s face, and she says she doesn’t know, but, hi, dumbass, Matt can read minds, and he hears her thinking about how someone wants revenge on the both of them. He asks her who wants revenge, and her thoughts scream at him, “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!” I am so terrified of this woman that I almost wet myself.

We go to the part of the station where you sign out the criminals and Nathan is there to take his mom home. His beard is eating his head. Nathan says that his mom doesn’t want to see him; she only called him to get her out because she doesn’t have anyone else. That would be kind of sad if she weren’t such an evil bitch.

All of a sudden you know something is going down because the lights start flickering and Mother Creepy screams. Parkman and Nathan run towards the interrogation room, where Mother Creepy is flailing at something invisible that seems to be coming toward her- her emotions, perhaps? The door has locked itself- good, maybe she’ll get killed off. Matt grabs a chair from the viewing room and the glass breaks- damn. Mother Creepy is alone in the room, but her face is cut up and she’s holding the photo of her face with the “S” symbol.

We’re back in Ireland, and Peter is taking care of Irish Setter. God, that’s so hot. She wants him to explain what happened, but he can’t. She tells him that he can keep saying he lost his memory, but “don’t pretend I’m stupid.” Uh, you are stupid, obviously, or you would have come up with this “poor me, I’m injured” ruse a long time ago to get into his pants. Fight Club comes in, pissed off that Peter beat up The Stereotypes, because apparently they were some important dude’s sons, or whatever. Peter says that next time, he’ll leave them alone with Fight Club’s sister, and Fight Club gets pissed and threatens to shoot him. He says that because Peter kicked these guys’ asses, there’s now a blood feud between them and the McSorleys, whoever the fuck they are, and now Peter has to help them with one last heist to pay off this debt that he caused. Peter says he’s not a thief and tries to leave, but Fight Club pulls out some box that looks kind of like some music box I had when I was in kindergarten. Honestly, that’s the best that the props department could do? Anyway, Fight Club says to him, “You may want this…Peter.” And we’re all supposed to go “Ooh…” even though we all knew his name was Peter anyway. But Peter didn’t remember that, so he’s pretty interested, and Fight Club goes on to tell him that the box contains a whole bunch of shit from his life. Fight Club threatens to throw the box into the fire unless Peter helps them out, so Peter agrees.

Please. Didn’t Se7en already do this? Unless that box contains the head of a certain blond actress, I’ll probably be pretty disappointed in this plotline.

1671 Japan. Hiro tells Kensei about the day’s events and explains that he did everything so that people would think that Kensei was a hero instead of a borderline alcoholic. Kensei is amazed that Hiro wouldn’t take the credit for himself, which gives us some insight into the kind of person he is. Just then, the princess shows up to give Kensei the sword that is rightfully Hiro’s, and Hiro tells him that they have to rescue her father. Kensei wonders if Hiro can really make him the Kensei of legend, and Hiro says only if he stops drinking. Jeez, Hiro, no wonder you have only one friend. Anyway, Kensei doesn’t make any promises.

Kensei does however, walk right out of the building into three arrows shot by the Samurai that Hiro humiliated earlier. Kensei lies on the ground, all bloody and shit, and apologizes for not being a hero. Hiro tells him he can’t die, and what do you know- he’s right! Hiro pulls out one of the arrows and the wound closes up. Both of them are all, “Scusemewhatthefuck?”

Mo/Parkman’s apartment. Molly is sleeping, with Parkman in the chair next to her. Mo comes home. HRG calls Mo’s cell to ask if his trip was successful, and Mo gives him the vaguest answer I’ve ever heard, “You should have the answer to that very shortly.” I should have tried that one every time my mom asked me if my room was clean. Mo also says the company will be watching him more closely, and HRG says that he’ll find the paintings himself. They hang up, and The Haitian walks into the Makeshift Kinko’s. They shake hands.

This is how the show ends? With fucking Claire? I don’t like seeing her eat, sit, or try to act; you think I want to see her watch TV? Anyway, she and Mr. Muggles are watching a dog show and Mrs. Bennet comes in and demands that Claire change the channel because Mr. Muggles’ feelings will get hurt. Lady, it’s a dog. Calm the fuck down.
Claire is reading the lizard book and stupidly thinks, “How can this boring-ass show about dogs get more exciting? I know! I’ll cut off my toe!” So she reaches down with the scissors and- no, really- CUTS OFF HER TOE. It’s totally gross. She sits there, staring at her foot, ordering the toe to grow back, until it does. The F/X department probably spent a lot of money on that. There are a lot of things they could have spent their dough on instead, such as photoshopping Peter’s clothes off his body.

So Claire’s toe completes the healing process, and she looks up and sees West staring at her through the window. This kid has major problems. Claire runs into the driveway, but West is gone, leaving only Pop Suresh’s book in his place. Seriously, Claire, maybe it’s time to take out an order of protection.

FOUR MONTHS LATER

Is it sad that I’ve been waiting for the Heroes premiere all summer?

Yes. Yes, it is. Moving on…

We open again with Mohinder’s voiceover. A lot of people may not like these, but I do. However, this one is kind of self-righteous and it talks about how the Heroes saved us all, blah blah blah, and how we should thank them. Yeah, well, fuck you too. Then we get to see some scenes from last season’s finale, like Peter and Nathan flying into the air (thank you. Like that didn’t make me cry for like five hours and SHUT UP! I HAVE FEELINGS!) and shots of all the other Heroes to get you caught up on the show. Because everyone knows if you miss like, two minutes of one episode, you are fucked.

The next few minutes are a couple of new shots, of Claire, Molly, Sylar, Nathan and an awesome one of HRG kicking someone’s ass (sweet). I guess Sylar and Nathan aren’t dead, then. Way to turn up the suspense, NBC. It’s kinda like when Roswell did that whole “tonight one of their own dies” thing and then the preview showed Jason Behr going, “who would want to want to murder Alex?” Good marketing tactic.

FYI- They also don’t show Peter, but that’s because he’s too busy dancing around my room naked and feeding me grapes.

We then see Mohinder giving his speech in a meeting room- turns out it’s the voiceover! Zing! Uh, Mohinder? If you want to keep your job, maybe you don’t tell a room full of people about a bunch of freaks with superpowers. Just saying.

Comic Book Title Sequence- another cool aspect.

Kick-ass! It’s Stephen Tobolowsky, from Deadwood on HBO. Why’d they take that show off the air, anyway? This can’t be good, because he always plays a squirrely kind of asshole. As everyone leaves, Stephen Tobolowsky asks Mohinder to autograph Pop Suresh’s book and tells him Pop and Sister Suresh would be proud of him…if Sister were alive. Jerk. Mohinder throws him up against the wall- kinky- and asks why Tobolowsky’s been following him. Tobolowsky offers Mo a job with the company, but Mo’s like, “I think not!” Blow tells him this superhero idea is ridiculous, so he’s going to need some help in saving the world (Hel-LO! You already saved the cheerleader!) Then Blow invites Mo for a drink, because really, this whole thing was just one big come-on, anyway.

Cut to Calisto from X-Men 3 and a totally hot dude running through the streets and yelling in Spanish. Great, more subtitles. As if this show weren’t confusing enough. Maya (Calisto) is too tired to run but Alejandro (Hot Spanish Dude) says that they have to keep going to America and get some answers or people will die, and they can’t let down their mother. Um, dude? America’s got Paris Hilton and more fast food places than any other country on the planet, just to let you know, but hey, be my guest. Anyway, there’s a poster on the wall next to them that says that they’re wanted for murder. On second thought, I hope they come here and find Paris Hilton.

Time for Claire. Oh, goody. (“BOO! Whore!”- Liana) HRG is checking Claire into Costa Verde High School. Apparently this is where they live now. I feel sorry for Costa Verde.

They’re having the typical father-daughter conversation of “will I make friends?” “No, honey, you’re a slut who likes guys twice your age.” No, just kidding. HRG does, however, tell Claire that teenagers in California are no different than the ones in Texas- then visibly checks out a flaxen-haired hussy in a shirt the size of a potholder. EW. Dude, you’re like, 80 and she’s like, 11. Anyway, he stresses that Claire needs to blend in, which includes not speaking up in class and under no circumstances trying out for cheerleading.

Claire then takes this opportunity to demand that this “no standing out” policy requires a new car, and is immediately handed the keys to a brand new, conveniently marketed Chrysler Rogue that proceeded to pop up in every single commercial break for the next hour. Bitch. Every kid in my family got a used five-year-old Toyota after months of begging.

The bell rings, which signifies being late (which is a perfect way to make sure that no one notices you), but HRG hugs Claire and apologizes for what he’s put her through and tells her he loves her. From my angle it looks like she’s going to make out with him, too. What, stealing my fantasy boyfriend in real life isn't enough? Claire runs to class and is almost hit by some dude’s car. Too bad he missed; that would have been like 100 points. He gives her a weird look- uh, you almost hit her- and she just shrugs. God, I hate her.

Time-travelling, uh, time. It’s the scene from last season’s finale. Hiro’s in 1671 Japan, and there’s a whole shitload of Samurai about to shoot him with arrows. He turns to run, and there’s a warrior behind him, about to shoot his own arrow. Hiro curses in Japanese. These subtitles are starting to piss me off. Hiro stops time and freezes the arrows just as they’re about to hit him and walks over to the warrior. It’s his hero, Takezo Kensei. Hiro changes the story arc by taking Kensei somewhere else.

I guess Parkman didn’t die, either, because here he is. There’s a trashy apartment and screaming and guns and I’m thinking, did I switch over to Law & Order: Evil Landlords Unit? No wait, it’s Monday, the one day a week that there are no Law & Order’s on. Anyway, it’s not a drug bust but a training exercise. Parkman has to find out which one is the bad guy, and he totally cheats by reading the actors’ minds.

The chief comes in and asks how Parkman chose between the two. Matt says something ridiculous, and the chief is like, “Uh, you were supposed to look for a gun.” I hope not. If that’s the case, I could be a cop. Anyway, Matt passed- he’s part of the NYPD!

Seriously? Claire again? I mean, she’s kind of cute and all, but this show is called Heroes, not HERO. Stop getting 14-year-old boys to write the episodes. To pass time until science class begins, Claire's holding her hand over the flame of the Bunsen burner. "No one will notice me if I set myself on fire!" she thinks. Then, what do you know, the guy who almost ran her over comes in and sits next to her. There’s some dialogue, but I didn’t really hear what was going on because I was totally distracted by this “kid.” First of all, he’s like 45 years old. I know there are child labor laws, but at least get someone who can pass for a high school student.

Then there were the teeth. Holy Christ! They take up his whole head. They remind me of when I went to the art supply store with my mom and there was this huge stand-up of Hilary Duff and the whole time I was shopping I had to stare at her fucking mule face.

Anyway, I did hear him call himself “West.” West? What the fuck kind of name is that? Does he have a brother named “Take a left off of Exit 42?” He also asks her if she’s “one of them.” She thinks that he’s asking about her superpowers, of course, but he isn’t- he’s trying to find out if she’s one of those giggly shit-for-brains popular girls or if she can actually think for herself. Wow, I really hate this kid, which makes him perfect for Claire. She doesn’t answer him; just kind of asks him the same thing. That’s a pretty good comeback, actually. Class begins- conveniently, like, an hour and a half into their conversation- and the teacher writes a quote on the board and asks who said it. Since Claire’s not allowed to talk (thanks, Dad!), she writes “Charles Darwin” in her notebook. West sees it and assumes that Claire must be a “robot.” He begins to fill me with a seething rage.

Back to the twins. Reading makes my eyes hurt. They’re negotiating with some disgusting guy about getting a ride to someplace which is a few hundred miles from the American border. McSkeeve wants Maya to ride up front with him (“PUKE!”- Liana), but Alejandro is like, “No fucking way.” They get in the back with about fifteen other people that were probably hit on by this greaseball.

Where the fuck is Peter?

Parkman is at Molly’s school. Her teacher comes out and pulls Matt aside, saying she needs to talk to him about Molly. Apparently she’s falling asleep in class and drawing scary pictures, and she thinks Matt’s divorce and injuries are to blame. Yeah, well, I call your teaching into question, lady. It takes a lot of talent to make a kid fall asleep in class. Matt understandably thinks that the state of his marriage is none of this bitch’s business and takes Molly home.

And we’re back at Kirby Plaza, where we last saw all our Heroes. Dad Nakamura is sitting on a bench, and Ando walks up with a cup of coffee and a newspaper. BTW, does anyone know if James Kyson Lee is going to be in the new Star Trek movie? Anyway, some guy with a massive beard totally bumps into Ando and doesn’t apologize. It’s rude, but this is New York City, so I guess it's to be expected. Nakamura and Ando talk about Hiro- they haven’t heard from him in months, and Nakamura used to be disappointed in him, but now he’s proud and is willing to hand Hiro his legacy. This part made me a little weepy. SHUT UP!

Nakamura starts reading the paper and a photo of him with that weird “S” symbol drawn across his face falls out. He gets this look on his face like, “Oh, fuck.” Ando asks him what’s up and Nakamura goes, “In 24 hours, I will be dead.” Tell me you weren’t going, “Holy shit.”

A shot of Peter’s apartment. Mrs. Petrelli is there looking at pictures of her boys. That woman totally creeps me out. Nathan comes in-turns out he’s the guy with the insane beard who bumped into Ando in the Plaza. He looks like complete shit- I mean, he has a Bear Face. He and his creepy mom start arguing about a photo of Peter and Mother Creepy tells Nathan he’s drunk. Congratulations, Mother Creepy, that’s the observation of the year! And your prize is…a son who's in desperate need of Gilette, and apparently some mouthwash!

She yells at Nathan for not following her plan, and Nathan calls her evil. I take it back- that’s the observation of the year. It seems as if Mother Creepy actually looks kind of hurt, but this is impossible because she has no feelings. Nathan throws her out. Once she exits stage left (right…? Whatever) she spots a photo of herself, clearly torn in half with the same red symbol on it as Nakamura’s photo. So someone’s trying to kill her, too? About damn time!

Kyoto, Japan, 1671. Hiro totally just saved Kensei’s ass, and the dude’s all, “You little shit.” I’d send him back there. Kensei demands a recap of the last five minutes and Hiro explains that he saved his life. The guy starts running away, saying that Kensei can keep his money. Hiro’s all, “Say what?”

On cue, because the script says so, the real Kensei shows up and points a crossbow at Hiro’s face. What’s with the ancient Japanese and their lack of gratitude? Hiro tells Kensei that he’s his biggest fan. I’m starting to get annoyed- why is Hiro suddenly a little girl at a Backstreet Boys concert? Anyway, Kensei takes off his mask and have I gone nuts or is he a white guy? Then he says that he’s not a hero, and he’s fucking British. Excellent, now I’m confused again.

HRG’s now working at some makeshift Kinko’s where his boss is the kind of character that you know is immediately going to get his ass kicked. He thinks that working at a copy place is akin to serving your country or something and gives Bennet a “motivational” speech. This storyline already bores me.

I’m flipping through Cosmo. Ali Larter's on the cover, which almost makes up for the fact that she hasn't appeared in this episode yet. There’s also some story about “Blended Orgasms.” Shit- am I having the wrong ones? Cosmo makes me angry. Back to Heroes.

Mo and Blow are still having drinks- damn, that’s a long date. I would have at least let him get to second by now. Blow is explaining about the company- apparently it was formed thirty years ago by normal people with superpowers. According to Blow, “we find people and make sure they don’t become dangerous.” Like you did with Sylar? Basically the Company is like the school in X-Men in that they find Heroes and teach them how to use their powers. Oh, and they also kill the ones they don’t like.

Mo gets pissed and he’s like, “you don’t get to decide who to kill.” Blow is like, “I do too. Besides, you tried to kill Sylar.” Mo says that that was different because Sylar was a bad, bad man. But it’s OK, because he’s dead now. Ha ha. We know something you don’t know. Blow offers to pay for Mo’s research; Mo says it’s very expensive. Blow turns his spoon into gold (a power I wouldn’t mind having because I am flat-ass broke) and says that money is really not an issue. Blow asks if they can count Mo in, but really, he just offered him a spoon made out of gold, so I don’t think that question is necessary, do you?

Parkman/Mo’s apartment. Molly is getting pizza for dinner, and she’s PMS-y because she’s not getting vegetables. Shut up, kid. What ten-year-old wants asparagus? Anyway, Matt got a veggie pizza. This irritates me, because being from Brooklyn, I have very high pizza standards and think that toppings on pizza are a crime. Especially vegetables. Matt says they’re celebrating because he finally made the force, and she asks if he cheated. What an ungrateful little bitch. Matt basically saved her life and he lets her live with him, and all she does is act like they’ve been married for twenty years.

Parkman tries to bring up the concerns of Molly’s teacher, and she goes all Exorcist on his ass and screams that she doesn’t want to talk about it. She asks permission to eat her dinner in her room, probably realizing that it’ll be a lot easier to pick the vegetables off the pizza if Matt isn’t watching.

Again with the Spanish shit. The twins have Pop Suresh’s book (which is interesting, considering that up to this point they haven’t spoken any English) and we learn that they’re traveling to America to find whoever wrote the book because he can cure “it.” I don’t know what “it” is, but I guarantee that "it" will aggravate me. All of a sudden the truck stops and McSkeeve pulls them out of the back. He says that he wants more money that the twins don’t have. McSkeeve says that’s cool, but Maya has to ride up front. Again, wisely, Alejandro says no, so McSkeeve and the Skeevinators decide to kick his ass and leave him behind while they take the sister. What fine, upstanding gentlemen.

Claire again. She’s in gym class, watching the cheerleaders. I can’t tell if she’s jealous or turned on. Hayden Panettiere should really work on trying to master those facial expressions. Her badminton partner does a nose dive and gets taunted by some bitch who apparently is captain of the cheerleading squad, and Claire sticks up for her. Her grade in science may not have been determined yet, but she seems to be aiming for that F in Blending In. West is also in her gym class, and calls her a robot. I don’t know why she doesn’t call him a stalker; he deserves a label way more than she does.

So Claire and this Head Bitch are going at it (not like that, you little pervs!) and Head Bitch dares Claire to do some cheerleader move off the cheerleader tower. Claire says she’ll do it, and climbs up to the top. However, I guess in this case special really doesn’t mean retarded, so Claire stops and claims she can’t jump. West just smirks at her and I mentally kick him in the face, knocking out a few of those enormous fucking teeth.

Meanwhile, back at Mo/Parkman’s, Molly’s still having nightmares about putting vegetables on her pizza. Matt goes into Molly’s room and wakes her up. He tells her that she should try to find The Boogeyman, but Molly doesn’t want to because he’ll kill Matt if she does. Matt tells her that won’t happen.

Gym class is over and everyone leaves. Claire takes this opportunity to ignore the fact that someone could walk in at anytime, and jumps off the tower. Her leg snaps out of place and a bruise appears and disappears as she pops the joint back in. West, who now qualifies for a restraining order, is standing there watching her. So much for low profile.

HRG’s just sitting around, enjoying his coffee break, when his little ding-elf of a boss comes in, all, “Your break is over and I am your boss and I would rather be out in a forest playing a lute and grazing from bushes but I am making copies and you should be too blah blah blah.” Then he pokes his finger in HRG’s face. Um, I think emphatically not. HRG grabs him by the finger and flips him onto the table, telling him that from now on, no one tells him what to do. It was so amazing that I almost forgot that this show is now called Everybody Loves Claire.

It’s 1671 again. Kensei is taking a piss and explaining what a sort-of-hot, blond, British Samurai is doing in ancient Japan instead of on the set of Alias. He explains that he fights for money. Hiro’s appalled, saying that he thought that Kensei fought for honor. Yeah, whatever. Who does anything for honor anymore? Hiro tells Kensei that he’s from the future, and explains that Kensei killed a bear like some hotter version of Davy Crockett, fell in love with a princess, and saved some town that’s now burning because Hiro distracted him with his stupid story. Nice going, Hiro.

Back to the Future, which is the greatest movie ever made. Ando and Nakamura are on a roof, talking about Nakamura’s imminent death. I prefer the weather as a conversation starter, but hey, whatever floats your boat. Ando asks who the message is from. Nakamura says that it could be any one of them, but won’t say who “them” entails. This isn’t Jeopardy!, dude, a little help, here? He makes Ando leave because it’s not safe, but Ando wants to fight, so Nakamura makes him leave to find a sword.

Mother Creepy appears, crying. So she can display emotions! I thought that was just a myth. Anyway, the two compare photos and we realize that in the original picture they were standing next to each other. Someone’s killing off the ElderHeroes, and according to Nakamura, there are only nine left. He says that someone is angry about all the people they killed, and then makes a decidedly prickish comment about Peter’s death to Mother Creepy, who smacks him across the face. Good for her. Don’t fuck with a bitch’s kids. Nakamura tells Mother Creepy that he’s leaving for Japan, and suggests she leave the country as well. Considering this show takes place all over the world, that might not be the most effective way to avoid being murdered.

While his father is in America, Hiro is back in Japan. Bandits have taken care of the village of Otsu, which is on fire in 1671. Hiro realizes that by telling Kensei what he was supposed to be doing, he altered the future and therefore fucked everything up. Instead of, you know, trying to pick off the bandits or put out the fire, Kensei gets drunk. Also, the girl he’s supposed to fall in love with shows up and starts screaming at him and smacking him. Nice. She says that the bandits burned her village and took her father hostage, so she steals his sword and runs off to find her father. Hiro tries to point out that he has to save the princess’ father and make her fall in love with him to become the Kensei of the stories, but Kensei only wants to punch Hiro in the face and find more sake. I like this guy.

Dinnertime at Claire’s. There’s obvious discomfort, and it’s interesting that the discomfort is so evident because Hayden Panettiere can’t act. They’re talking about Claire’s first day at school, which Claire says went well because no one noticed her. The fact that Claire seems to be miserable at her new school makes everyone happy- it certainly worked for me. Claire’s mom starts talking about her stupid dog and even the dog looks annoyed.

HRG gets a call and he says that it’s work and goes into the other room. I don’t know why he feels the need to lie, now that the whole family knows everything, but whatever. It’s not Ding-Elf reporting a shortage of paper but Mo, saying that The Company finally took the bait. HRG says they’re going to bring the whole Company down.

More subtitles. The truck is stopped on the road. Alejandro opens the door and everyone is dead, with blood coming out of their eyes. Gross. Maya is crying and says she doesn’t know what she did. Just a guess, but I’m willing to bet that you killed them. Alejandro says they’ll get to America and talk to the guy on the back of the book. He’s insensitive, but he’s covered in dirt and looks great in a wifebeater, so I’ll let it slide.

Everybody Loves Claire (except me). She’s on her bed, dialing 1-800-REGENERATE. No, it’s Nathan, who’s at a bar (Shock! Awe!) and isn’t too thrilled to hear from her and wants to know why she’s calling. She says they both miss Peter. Hey, I miss peter too, but I choose to actually go to the bars, not call alcoholic men with bear faces. Oh, that Peter. That’s what you meant.

Nathan tells her that he knows she wants answers, but he can’t give them to her, and he hangs up. His reflection in the bar mirror is scarred and burned, but somehow, he’s better looking with scary Halloween face then he is with lumberjack beard.

Claire lies back on her bed. Is it time for porn? Then I repeat, where the fuck is Peter? The camera pulls away and we see West. What the fuck? How did this dude find her house? Anyway, he’s flying outside her window. So now not only is he a dick, he’s a creepy dick who stalks teenage girls and flies. Well, I guess when you’re 45 and still in 11th grade, you pull out all the stops.

We cut to the roof, where Nakamura is waiting for Ando. Here comes the porn. Maybe? No, I guess not. A guy in a hoodie that covers his face (hello, 1995) appears in a doorway. Nakamura says, “Of all of them, I never expected it would be you.” I’m psyched. A murder mystery and a comic book! Ando appears with his sword, but it’s too late, and Hooded Guy pushes Nakamura over the edge. Ando freaks and runs to the edge; Nakamura is dead at the bottom and the Hooded Guy is gone. I’m ecstatic with geeker joy. God, I need a life.

The screen says Cork, Ireland, and if you've read any of my blogs, you know that the last thing I need is more guys with Irish accents. A security guard is wandering around in the dark by himself. You know what this means- he’s about to go down. And not in that way. I’m right. He gets clocked in the head by some guy who was in Fight Club. He and his friend are looking for some box. First a girl misses Peter, then a bunch of guys are searching for a box? These writers must be very sexually frustrated. They find the box and inside is…

Oh God. I reach for my bottle of water. It’s Peter, and he has no shirt on and he’s all chained up, like he’s, I don’t know, waiting for me or something. Sweet Christ, he is all levels of hot. Fight Club and his friend try to kick Peter’s ass, but apparently, he has these new awesome powers where he can do amazing things with his hands. This is porn! I might have to start watching this show with the lights off. One of the dudes asks Peter his name. “I don’t know,” he says, looking all cute and confused, like a little baby deer that’s lost in the forest. I volunteer to help Peter find out exactly who he is- without our pants.

POWER RANGERS

So. The deal is this. My friend Liana is obsessed with that show Heroes- you know, the one about the weird people with the superpowers that can fly and shit, and after the first episode last season, she told me to watch it. I love Liana (actually, one time we "got married" when we were really wasted), but she likes Lifetime movies and Disney characters and shit like that, so I was skeptical, but I figured I don't watch anything Mondays at 9, so what the hell.



I soon discovered that Heroes is the greatest show ever, and I decided to share my love of flying people with all of you guys. I started with the first episode of this season- more to follow soon- and now that I got the first season on DVD (yes, I am a complete loser), all of them should be up shortly. Liana's commentary is in bold.



Thank you for not turning me in.