FIGHT OR FLIGHT

Just when we were all starting to get used to not dealing with Mo’s annoying voiceovers, they’re back, and I don’t care, because like I said, they’re annoying. All Mo tells us this week is the title of the episode, which I totally already learned from pressing the info button on my IO remote. Pointless. Thanks a lot, Mo. Why don’t you try explaining to all of us why Molly looks like a cartoon mouse? I’m serious; she totally has Fievel face.

Speaking of Fievel Face, the episode opens on her and her two dads. Every time their storyline comes up, I’m reminded of how much that show sucked. And yeah, I totally watched it. Anyway, Mo and Matt are arguing about how Matt broke Fievel Face and now she can’t spy on people anymore or whatever and she can’t go to a hospital because hospitals aren’t “equipped for this.” Um, hospitals aren’t “equipped” for comas? Since when? The dads argue that this whole thing is Matt’s fault because Matt’s father did this and Matt doesn’t know where to find him. Is Matt completely retarded? Because with the information Fievel Face provided last week, my six-year-old cousin could find him. Suddenly the wood stops burning and Matt realizes that maybe Mother Creepy will know something, so he leaves to try to interrogate her. Cue Felix/Oscar music.

K-Ville. Does anyone even watch that show, BTW? Police are interrogating Monica about her insane moves back at Thunder Thigh Bonanza. Monica is of course, lying that she can’t remember shit, and the cop is pretending to be understanding while he gives her crap about not ID’ing some dude who tried to KILL HER. God, I hate men.

Finally, some Peter- literally and figuratively. He and Irish Setter are making out against the bar. Writers, I will tell you now: the only Milo porn I am interested in watching is the future one that I am starring in. I don’t give a shit about some skank that looks like a puppy who was left in a lab after an experiment, especially when her lopsided boobs are pressed against my pseudo-boyfriend (Liana would comment here, but she’s laughing too hard). Suddenly Irish Setter stops all the making out and tells him he has to figure out his past. Call me crazy, but I wouldn’t have taken my tongue out of that mouth for a flash flood or an earthquake, let alone a chat session. He’s a little cautious because there may be a side to him neither of them know about, and Irish Setter tells him that she knows he’s a good person. Right, she knows all this after a day and a half? Instead of opening the Box, Peter decides to open Irish Setter’s box. He picks her up and they commence with all the kissing. I pray that they disappear into the next room for a rousing round of Go Fish, but I don’t think so. What a slut.

Before I can go insane with contemplating what goes on behind the Guinness barrels, the camera cuts to the docks, where Will (the dude who tried to steal Fight Club’s money) is being questioned by Veronica Mars about Peter. She’s hot, and I mean that in a totally non-lesbitronic way. I never watched her old show- I always thought it looked kind of dumb- but I do have to say, she looks pretty good.

Moron Will takes about three seconds to give up all the info on Peter, and asks why they sent a “little girl” to find him if he’s so dangerous. She turns a corner and runs her hand over a container, and when she does, blue lightning comes out of her fingertips and I think, “Oh, shit.” “I can take care of myself,” she says. Great, she talks to herself, too?

My disappointment in Peter’s “girlfriend” and a new psycho-loony is somewhat quashed by the re-emergence of Nathan’s jaw. Apparently he’s realized that bare face is way better than Bear Face and decided to stay clean-shaven. Anyway, Nathan is pissed that his scary-ass mom is being interrogated again, because she’s “innocent.” Oh, please. Nathan grew up with the woman; he has to know there is nothing innocent about her. Matt tells Nathan he knows she’s innocent and that’s why he’s going to see his father; Nathan decides to go with him. Matt tells Nathan everything that happened with Fievel Face, the photos, etc. Way to go, Officer Parkman. That’s a great way to keep your job. Nathan explains that he really wants to help Matt find his father and makes some joke about him flying. The two of them don’t work as well together as Matt and his other Felix.

Ireland. Fight Club comes in with some dude and sees Peter swallowing his sister’s head. Instead of getting all pissed off, he just tells Peter he has to talk to him. I have two brothers, and if either of them ever saw me sucking face with one of their friends, they’d bludgeon the guy until he didn’t have any lips left. Not that I would; I’ve known them all since they were eight and now all they do is sit around getting stoned and playing NHL ’08 on Playstation 3. Anyway, the dude goes away and Fight Club tells him that Veronica Mars is looking for him and that he’ll try and help him. WHAT? Dude’s nailing your sister and you’re trying to save his life? Yeah, that’s realistic.

Fight Club tells Peter to stay at Irish Setter’s place, which makes even less sense: “You need to run for your life. In the meantime, why don’t you keep fucking my sister? I’ll just hand her over. Also, here’s my mom, my aunt, and six of my swimsuit model cousins.” This is an obvious ploy to get this chick and her huge eyebrows more screen time.

Monica, who I actually like, so I’m happy again. She and her co-worker are discussing her powers. Monica says that she doesn’t know what’s going on and that she’s still worried that she’s not amounting to much. I don’t think you have much to worry about, Monica.
We cut to Matt and Nathan in Philly. Matt is at the door of his dad’s apartment, not sure how to react. He’s scared of a door. Let’s just think about that one for a second.

OK, we’re back. Nathan reminds him that his father has traumatized Fievel Face (referring to her as Matt’s “girl,” which kind of made me go “Aw”) and terrified Mother Creepy, and that he better get his gun out. Is that a penis metaphor? Matt is still hesitant, and Nathan tells him, “This is not a family reunion. He is not your dad today. He is a suspect. Get your gun out.” Nathan can be a real dick, but sometimes he is awesome.

Matt and Nathan bust the door open and his dad is in there with a gun of his own. Hm, no one saw that coming. Nathan says Matt’s name and the old dude realizes that he’s looking at his son. Matt and Nathan both start to interrogate him about Fievel Face, Nakamura and Mother Creepy, and Matt pushes his dad up against a wall and cuffs him while Nathan grabs the gun and loads it. Should this be turning me on? (“Probably not.” –Liana)

Evil Parkman claims that he just had the gun for protection and shows them a photo of himself with the Heroes “S” marked across his face. He explains that the ElderHeroes have known each other for years and that they all had plans to save the world. Matt, like the rest of us, knows that this is horseshit and says that his dad only wants to save his own ass. Nathan wants Matt to read his father’s mind so they can leave, and Evil Parkman dares him to go ahead. Matt tries, but it’s too painful. His dad asks if it hurts, and Matt inquires if his father can read minds, which might be the stupidest question of the year, considering what he did to Fievel Face and that he’s HIS FATHER, so it’s more than likely genetic. Evil Parkman tells his son that if he unlocks his cuffs, he’ll tell him everything. The whole audience thinks, “Don’t do it!” If only he could read our minds. Or if only he were actually, you know, real.

We cut to New Orleans, where Micah is playing the piano. I wonder if Noah Gray-Cabey can actually play, because that would just add to his all-around awesomeness. Monica comes in and they both start talking about how much Micah and Niki miss each other and we’re all thinking “Duh, bo-ring,” when all of a sudden Monica starts to play the piano like she’s fucking Beethoven or some shit, and she’s just as freaked as the rest of us because she never learned. She runs out of the room and all the viewers are like, “Duuude.” Monica’s powers get more amazing by the week.

Back at Mo/Matt’s place, Mo is on the phone with HRG. Tim Kring should have a rule that whenever the camera shows that apartment, the theme from The Odd Couple should play. Anyway, HRG is with The Haitian, which of course Mo doesn’t know about because he’s on the other end of the phone. Mo wants to take Fievel Face to the Company, but HRG thinks emphatically not. He tells Mo not to forget whose side he’s on, acting extremely suspicious in the process.

At Evil Parkman’s place, Matt displays some extraordinary cop skills and takes off his father’s cuffs. Matt and Nathan are trying to get information out of him, but Evil Parkman, clearly this week’s Bad Guy, just wants to hug his son and tell him he’s proud of him. However, he does manage to explain that the ElderHeroes all just randomly found each other and felt a connection that made them believe that they were invincible. Some of the ElderHeroes actually began to act on this, and the other ones, including Evil Parkman, weren’t too into that, and did ”whatever they could” to stop them. Such as? Evil Parkman tells Matt and Nathan he “can’t really explain” the powers he has, which sounds to me like a huge cop-out, but whatever. We already heard this speech.

Then he does this creepy about-face and tells Matt to follow him into a room in the back where he’ll explain everything. Dude, it doesn’t work when David Caruso does his pervy spiel on CSI: Miami and it doesn’t work for you either. Matt’s clearly been drinking Idiot Juice, so he follows his dad, while the door slams shut behind them. Nathan bangs on the door and yells for Matt, but either it’s double-bolted from the other side or the door is one of those doors from Disney movies that won’t open.

We go inside the room and it looks like a video game, but a really old video game with shitty graphics, like a Nintendo system from 1985. Matt’s in a jail cell with really bad lighting with a guard who throws him up against a wall and I begin to get one of those familiar feelings I used to get when I watched Oz. Matt’s Idiot Juice has obviously trickled into his internal organs because he thinks all of this is real, and I keep expecting him to call out for Princess Toadstool. BTW, did anyone else ever get really pissed off at how indifferent she was when Mario risked his life by scuba diving without any gear to rescue her from some weird alligator dude? She was kind of a bitch. And her dress was ugly. Redheads really shouldn’t wear pink.

Back in Casa de Evil, Nathan finally breaks down the door, but when he does, he’s on the roof where Nakamura was murdered and New York is all blowed up and stuff. Nathan apparently turned down the Stupid Cocktail because he’s all, “The fuck?” While the guys are confused, Evil Parkman leaves. Nice guy.

The next storyline we check into is Ando, who’s trying to decipher Hiro’s scroll, which means that I have a few minutes to get up and get a sandwich. The scroll restorer sums up the story like this: Kensei and Yaeko are still trying to save Yaeko’s father, and Hiro is “helping,” or what I call “getting in the way.” Apparently Hiro has some weird man-crush on Kensei but Kensei is in love with Yaeko. Whatever. I checked out like three weeks ago and my sandwich is really good.

Back in New Orleans, Micah and Monica are discussing her powers. Monica tries to play them off, but Micah tells Monica about his powers and mentions that both his parents have special abilities as well. He takes out a comic book with a Catwoman-type character and the words “Who Is St. Joan?” on the cover. He says St. Joan is a muscle mimic, who can learn how to do things just by seeing them, and he thinks that’s what Monica’s power is. By hearing it named, Monica starts to accept the fact that she has a gift. I love this kid. Micah says that they should go out and test Monica’s powers to see what she can do.

Mo is at the Company hospital, watching Fievel Face in her coma. Blow comes up and says that he sympathizes with Mo, but they have another assignment for him. Uh, thanks. Then he gives Mo a taser. Seriously? That’s like, the best gift ever. I would go to my brother’s place and chase him around for hours until he gave me money. Just then, Niki comes in all angrily and shit and slams Mo against the wall because she’s Jessica. She tries to do the same to Blow but Mo gets up and makes use of the taser. (“That was SWEET.” –Liana)

New Orleans. Micah and Monica are watching some girls jump rope, and Monica says she was never able to double-dutch. The girls reflect in her eyes, and she joins them as if she’s an Olympic jump-roper.

Finally, more Peter. Unfortunately, he’s got his clothes on, so there’s definite potential to go nowhere. Irish Setter is showing Peter her loft and this scene really bothers me because every time I’ve given a guy “the tour” of my place they’re always like, “So…this is the bed, huh?”and then tries to jump me. None of them have ever just stared out the window like a fucking sensitive man-child. At least try to be realistic.

Anyway, because Peter is ignoring the fact that Irish Setter is obviously attempting to whore it up, he can’t help but notice the paintings in the room, and Irish Setter says she paints to relax. I paint to get high off the fumes. Just kidding! Sort of. Peter tells her she’s very talented, and I hate to admit that he’s right. He lies and tells her he just wanted to see her place, which any girl without copious brain damage knows actually means, “I just wanted to see your place…with you…naked.” Actually, he’s trying to hide out, but why mince words?

Peter decides, stupidly, that he’s safe there and decides to open the Box. Not that way, unfortunately for the Setter, but the actual Box. He sits on the bed and says that no matter what he finds out, he still wants to be with her. What? He’s known her for like, a week; why is he all of a sudden in love with her? I prepare myself for naked pics; unfortunately, all it contains is a passport, some dollar bills, a photo of him and Nathan where they look like they could be getting married to each other, and a plane ticket to Montreal. He seems really annoyed by this lack of information, but the possibility that he could be a homo seems to provide a viable explanation as to why the only reason he and Irish Setter are on the bed is to look at some cash and an airline ticket.

He stands up angrily and sees a blank canvas across the room. He goes over to it, and his eyes go white as he starts painting. Now will he be naked?

We leave Peter and his Puppy and go to the pub, where Fight Club enters and sees Veronica Mars, who’s looking at the menu. She makes some stupid joke about Irish food and he tells her they’re closed. She shows him a photo of Peter and Fight Club lies and says he doesn’t know him. Veronica Mars turns to go, but then changes her mind and says that she knows he’s lying. Fight Club continues to lie and says that he’s sorry he couldn’t be of more help. “Yeah,” says Veronica Mars, “so am I.” She locks the door and shoots her blue electric shit at him, and we can all assume that something not good just happened.

Veronica Mars’ electricity turns into a blue penlight shining into Niki’s eyes, held by Blow. He’s strapped her down to a bed, and tells her that she’s going to be fixed by the Company. He leaves, and Mo enters and tries to undo her straps. Niki’s not having it though- she wants to stay because she thinks the Company’s going to help her. Apparently she and Matt met for drinks earlier and she also ordered the Moron Mojito.

Meanwhile, Nathan’s still in his nightmare. He’s still on the roof and when someone says his name, he turns and Burned Peter is lying on the ground. Burned Peter gets up and it turns out to be Burned Nathan, and they square off. How come Matt gets 1980’s Nintendo while Nathan gets the XBOX?

Matt is still in his Nintendo cell with a crying baby, who miraculously appears on the floor . Then Janice shows up, holding the baby, and Matt makes Scooby faces while he tries to figure out what the fuck she’s doing there. Nightmare Janice says some bitchy things and starts to leave. Matt goes after her, but the guard attacks him. Meanwhile, Nathan and Burned Nathan fight on the roof. Suddenly, the fights blend into each other and we see that Matt and Nathan are fighting each other. They both wake up with a hilarious look on their faces that resemble…two guys who wake up together. Insert joke here.

Anyway, Matt throws Nathan off him with a “Dude, I TOLD you I’m not into that!” move and Nathan slams his head into a cabinet. Yikes. Matt can’t figure out how he stopped the nightmare, but he knows why Fievel Face is so terrified of Evil Parkman. They realize that Evil Parkman left, and then Matt sees a picture of Blow with the Heroes “S” drawn over his face. They realize where Matt’s father is headed and know what he’s about to do.

I’m so over the Hiro story. I’d actually like to know when the writers are going to let David Anders take off his shirt- or at least have him wear some tighter clothing. BTW, I’d like all of you to take a look at People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2007 issue. Trust me, and you’re welcome.
Anyway, back in 1671, here’s what I gather from my half-paying attention: Kensei and Yaeko are trying to save Yaeko’s father from White Beard. Hiro is off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz, and basically fucking shit up. The three of them have to fight the army tonight, and they’re all afraid. Then the scroll cuts off, because it’s too damaged, or too boring. Ando wants to know what happens next. You’re a cult of one, Ando.

New Orleans. Monica is watching TV, and stops her channel-surfing on some karate show. Micah comes in and again they discuss their powers. They both agree that their powers have meaning, and she swears Micah to secrecy. Micah goes to bed, and there’s a knock at the door. Monica answers it and it’s Mo. All these “M” names are giving me a headache. Mo tells her that he’ll help her understand her powers. I wonder if he knows about her connection to Niki and Micah? Heroes needs more creepy music.

Did anyone else realize that there were no Wonderless Twins this week?
In Veronica Mars’ rented car, she’s on the phone with someone, probably a Company operative, and she says that she hasn’t found Peter yet, but she will. Hey, I’ve been trying to find peter for like 6 months now, but that’s more than any of you needed to know. She claims that she’s had to use “persuasion,” and after some arm-twisting from the person on the other end, she admits that she killed Fight Club. Clearly, this does not make the other person happy, because they threaten to take away the assignment and tell her to come home. “Assignment?” I think we all know who this other person is. Veronica Mars starts whining and promises, “Sorry, Daddy. It won’t happen again.” This story could get interesting, especially if “Daddy” is Blow.

The Setter’s loft. Peter is still painting, and unfortunately, all his clothes are on. I have major issues with this episode. Apparently, he’s done with his masterpiece, because his eyes return to normal and he backs away from the easel. He doesn’t remember anything, and Irish Setter can’t help him. They look at the painting- there’s a scene of a man and a woman standing in front of a building with French signs. Irish Setter deduces that the painting could be of Montreal, considering the ticket in the Box was for that destination. Excellent observation, genius! Now roll over! And fetch!

While the two ponder this new information, her phone rings, and apparently someone tells her some incredibly shitty news, because she and Peter run to the pub. Peter and The Setter run in and see Fight Club on the ground, fried to a crisp, and Irish Setter starts understandably freaking out. Peter tells her Fight Club’s death is all his fault because whoever did this was really looking for him. He says that he’s going to find “them” and that he can’t hide anymore as Irish Setter breaks down, screaming and crying. Looks like we’re going to Canada.

THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

This week’s episode opens with HRG studying the portrait of his own death. Out of everyone in the Bennet/Butler house, it couldn’t have been Claire? Really? His wife comes in, and HRG closes his laptop. Instead of getting all suspicious that her husband may or may not have been looking at some kiddie porn, Mrs. Bennet happily prepares to engage in a conversation about whether or not Claire has a boyfriend. Claire herself enters, looking especially slutty and newt-like, and outwardly flinches when her dad brings up what she assumes is the “sex talk.” It’s not, though- her dad is just being “reasonable” and wants to meet all potential Friday-night grope sessions. God, Claire is such a paranoid little skank! Of course, she lies and claims there are no broken condoms in her future, and her parents, who apparently don’t read any tabloids or watch E! News, believe this. For now.

New York City. There’s a table filled with sketches that look like they were drawn by a little kid, so they can’t be Isaac’s. But they could be mine. Instead of getting my mom’s skinny deer legs, I couldn’t have inherited her artistic ability? Just saying, not exactly a fair trade. Molly wakes up screaming, and Matt runs in, followed by Mo. Is it just me, or does anyone else get a Felix-Oscar vibe from these two? Matt and Mo argue about Molly’s nightmares and the fact that they’re getting worse. Neither of them know what to do, and Matt stands there like a dork while Mo sings her to sleep.

“Nathan Petrelli, Washington D.C.” Creative subtitle, BTW. Nathan is at his sons’ school and calls out to them through the bars. Amazingly, they look really happy to see him, even though the hair on his face now resembles a gargantuan black cave. They hate it, and tell him to shave. Someone give these kids genius grants, because they are by far the most observant people on the show. He tells them that Mother Creepy is in “the hospital” and that Heidi should help them call her, which is interesting because New York City has about ten thousand hospitals and that doesn’t exactly help them narrow it down, but whatever. The boys’ teacher comes out and tells Nathan he’s not allowed to be there. Instead of telling her to fuck off, Nathan sends his boys back to school and I almost detect a sad face through his beard, but it’s hard to tell.

Calisto, Wifebeater & Derek. The only promise this storyline has is that my brother’s name is Derek, so that character might be cool. Maybe. Then Derek says he’s from New Jersey, so that theory goes out the window pretty fast. Derek says they’re all fugitives, so they’ll all have to split up before they get to the border. As long as the cameras never venture into New Jersey, I hope Derek gets his own storyline and we never see the twins again.

Suddenly Derek slams on the brakes. Unfortunately, no one goes through the windshield, but everyone gets out of the car and we see a body lying in the road. It’s Sylar, and DAMN! (“What has he been doing over the summer, because he is HOT?” –Liana) He pleads with Derek and the twins to help him, and their plot just picked up speed, considering what we know about Sylar and people with powers.

AND…the eclipse.

Micah is sleeping underneath some sunshine and this week’s title. He’s rudely awakened by some obnoxious little seminal misfire (who we later learn is his cousin, Damon) yelling, “Wake up, fool!” and a glass of water in his face. Oh great, I thought Heroes was above ghetto stereotypes.

We cut to Uhura, Semenal Misfire and Micah eating breakfast, and Micah’s other cousin Monica enters, all excited about the Burger Bonanza management test that she’s about to get results for. God, that uniform is ghastly. S.M. is whining that he needs $65 for wrestling Pay-Per-View. The girls start bitching at him, and I don’t blame them- wrestling? Come on, that’s practically reality TV! Uhura tells S.M. he’s better off watching the cooking show she’s got on the tube, and everyone looks at the screen. Monica leaves for work in her terrible outfit, and Micah tells S.M. that he knows how to get him his wrestling show for free. S.M. all of a sudden seems pretty intrigued.

Mother Creepy’s hospital bed. She confesses to Nakamura’s murder, but Matt is skeptical. She knows Matt can read her mind, and “tells him” that the only way out is to confess, and says that if the cops keep digging, they will find out about all of the Heroes’ powers. Matt agrees and lets it go.

More Claire. I had almost forgotten about her, and this is not appreciated. A Costa Verde cheerleader is trying to convince Claire to join the squad, but Claire remembers her father’s warning and turns her down, although she does take the parental consent form. The cheerleader backs off, but Teeth comes up to talk to her (notice how “talk” and “stalk” have almost all the same letters?) and bugs her to admit that she likes him. I mentally kill him about 30 times. Claire blames her dad, and Teeth offers to talk to him. That would be kind of cool, I guess, if he weren’t such a stalker. Oh, and if her dad hadn’t abducted him and performed some kind of weird experiment. Then he makes her a deal- he’ll back off tomorrow if she goes out with him tonight. He promises to take her anywhere she wants to go. Can he afford a case of dirty needles and a back alley? This is SoCal, after all. Claire agrees, and Teeth leaves, finally.

Nathan is in his mom’s hospital room, and either I’m totally high off the fermented grapes in my fridge or the Bear Face is gone! He has a nose! And a jaw! I can still make fun of him, though, because he definitely has what I refer to as an M.I.T., or a Mullet in Training. Nathan is angry at Matt for questioning his mom under “the circumstances,” but Matt says he knows she’s innocent. Nathan asks how, and Matt says, “The same way I know you can fly.” (“Does he watch him in the shower too?” –Liana) Nathan kind of looks at him like, “Duuude.” Matt shows Nathan the photos, and Nathan agrees to help. He asks to be alone with his mom, and Matt agrees.

Mother Creepy is putting on what looks like the same coat she had in the first season when she got arrested. Is that, like, her Cellblock Costume or something? Anyway, Nathan confronts her about confessing to something she didn’t do, and apparently, Mother Creepy realizes that she has a conscience. No, those are just voices in your head. With her last act of mothering, she tells Nathan that he has to get his own family back and check himself into a “program.” She tells him her confession is really for all the sins she’s committed, including the sin of being so creepy that I can’t even look at her. They hug, and she’s off to jail.

Calisto’s now moved from shotgun to the back seat, next to Sylar. No offense to Derek, but if I had the opportunity to sit next to Sylar in a wifebeater, I would totally take that too. Sylar claims that he got robbed, and that he’s going home to New York. Sylar asks if they’re visiting family, which proves to be a huge mistake because Calisto immediately sets off on some tirade about Pop Suresh’s book. Where are Sylar’s powers when you need them? Instead, he tells everyone that he and the Doc are old friends and that he will take them to him. He tells them his real name, which, if he’s not planning on killing them, is kind of retarded. This gives me hope- maybe the twins are going to be killed off? Please?

Monica is chopping up tomatoes at Burger Bonanza, singing “I Will Survive.” I know this sounds incredibly racist, but why does every show with an African-American character force them to sing? Monica’s coworker Camille wants to know why Monica’s in such a good mood, and Monica explains about the management test. Camille shoots her down, and I immediately hate her. Then Camille happens to look down at Monica’s tomato (that sounds so dirty) and notices that Monica carved it into a rose just like the one on Uhura’s show. Monica looks all freaked out, and the manager comes over to tell her that she’s not “qualified” for management because she takes care of her entire family. Um, excuse me? Doesn’t that make her eminently qualified? Her manager says that she’s good at the job she has now, and should just be glad to have one. Douche.

Claire’s house, dinner time. Claire turns down a family dessert outing- she’ll fit in in California so well! - to go to the library for a research paper. HRG seems to pick up immediately on the fact that this is a bold, stinking, lie, and offers her a ride. Yeah, I’ll bet. How many cast members has she NOT done? She offers to walk, even though her story would have made more sense if she would have just told Teeth to meet her at the library.

Anyway, Claire walks to the corner, and HRG, who knows that she’s full of shit, follows her creepily. Claire doesn’t even wait until she’s out of her driveway to pull her hair out of its ponytail, which it’s been in ALL DAY and doesn’t even show the slightest hint of ponytail bump. That’s so unfair and also annoying. Teeth is, of course, waiting in her driveway, although this time she was most likely expecting him so I guess it’s ok. When HRG finally catches up to them, they’re both gone and he never saw them. That never worked with me, and I was the pinnacle of stealth.

Nathan and Matt are at Nathan’s place, looking at photos. The two of them are totally into one that has all the ElderHeroes, including Nakamura, Mother Creepy, Linderman, Charles Deveaux, Blow, and a whole bunch of other smiling people who have no idea they’re about to bite it. Matt asks about Nathan’s sons, and then tells Nathan about his own family, which I guess is for our benefit more than his, just to catch us up: His wife cheated on him and the baby’s not his. That bitch! They move the conversation back to the picture, and Matt figures out that the killer is probably in the photo. Matt points out his father as being present in the photo, too. They look nothing alike. Good casting.

Back to Thunder Thigh Bonanza. Monica is all upset about her job and says that God is punishing her for wanting to get out of New Orleans. Camille says that’s normal. When are the characters on this show going to realize never to use that word?

Teeth is making fun of Claire for her destination choice and I’m confused- does this dude want some ass or not? The camera slowly pulls back to reveal that the two are sitting on top of the Hollywood sign. Claire is boringly reminiscing about her life in Texas, and she says she can never open up to anyone again. Teeth says he’d like her to try (“I bet he’d like her to open up.” –Liana) Claire says she’d like to trust him, so he tells her…to jump? How will that help? Again, I’m confused. She does, although no one in their right mind would, and Teeth flies off the sign and catches her. Then he actually says, “I know you can heal, Claire, but I never want to see you hurt.” Gag. My mom cries at commercials and she actually just threw up a little in her mouth. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my mom watches this show and she also waits for Peter’s shirtless scenes every week.

So Teeth and Claire start making out, and me, my mom, and Liana all start puking in sync. And, as the camera lingers on the “WOOD” part of the sign, I can’t help but think that the writers are trying to tell us something.

Back to Micah and his obnoxious cousin. Micah is doing something weird to the TV, and sure enough, Semenal Misfire gains access to his stupid wrestling show. How long until he starts bugging Micah for porn? Monica comes home, and S.M. credits his cousin with being “some kind of genius,” which if you think about it, is pretty stupid considering how easy it is to wire the TV to get free shit and S.M. hasn’t seen one-tenth of what Micah can do. Monica sits down and looks really sad, and Micah apologizes, and agrees to follow the rules from now on. Micah hugs Monica, and tells her he wishes he could fix her dreams for her. This is how it’s done, not corny one-liners delivered by 30-year-old high-schoolers with monster-sized chompers.

Micah sits on the couch with S.M., who’s still watching his wrestling. We all watch the TV as a wrestler swings his entire body out of the ring, then back in as he kicks another dude in the face. The camera pans to Monica as the move reflects in her eyes. It’s pretty evident that something important is happening, but we don’t know what.

Matt/Mo’s apartment. Matt clutches the ElderHeroes photo as his “family” arrives, and Matt wastes no time in asking Molly to find his father. Next time, try opening with a simple “hello” or a “how are you?” He explains that his dad left when he was 13, giving him $120 and a pat on the head. I sense a Heroes Lifetime movie! He continues that his dad is a criminal and that he needs to find him to help with a case. Molly agrees to help, but then freaks and tells Matt and Mo that his dad is the Nightmare Man. Cue scary music. And commercial break.

Now that we’re on a photography kick, we cut to Nathan staring longingly (and not at all gay-ly) at a picture of his brother from, like, ten years ago. This is all the Milo footage we get this week? With a scary semi-tux and perm/mullet? I feel instantly betrayed. Nathan looks up from the picture, and his face is doing a weird Pinhead-type thing. It’s creepy as fuck.

Teeth and Claire are in her driveway, and instead of dropping her on her head, like I would do, he plants her safely back down on her driveway. It’s really late, so Teeth suggests they come up with a lie so they can keep seeing each other. Eh, he’s not worth it. Claire sarcastically suggests telling him she’s volunteering at a soup kitchen, but Teeth suggests coming up with something her father really doesn’t want her to do. Claire leaves to concoct her story, but Teeth asks for at least a good night. Claire returns for another make-out session, telling him, “You’re killing me.” Don’t get our hopes up.

The newly-hot Sylar, Derek and the Wonder Twins are at a roadside stop to pee and check out Sylar in his wifebeater. Derek is checking out the newspaper, which happens to show the “WANTED” sign from the first episode. Smart move picking up the guy in the cell next to you when you knew nothing about him, though. I mean, I never would have seen that coming. Sylar comes in, and Derek says they have to ditch the twins. Derek turns to the phone to call the police, and Sylar grabs the brick that had been on top off the newspapers. I think we all know where this is going. Too bad you’re such a dumbass, Derek.

Sylar goes back to the car and confronts the twins about the ad. Calisto spills everything. Sylar says that Derek is calling the cops, and Calisto freaks out, which brings out the black shit, which I thought we’d get a break from this week. I was wrong, unfortunately. Wifebeater calms her down, and Sylar realizes they both have power. Sylar steals the car and drives off, promising that Pop Suresh will help them, and we see Derek lying on the ground in the dirt, sadly unable to join them, due to being all bloody and dead and stuff.

Claire comes into the house, and HRG jealously starts accusing her of being with a boy. Claire takes out the cheerleading release form, and says that she made the squad. I wonder how she’s going to get out of that one if she doesn’t? Claire says that cheerleading means a lot to her, and HRG agrees to let her do it if she doesn’t date. She agrees, thinking her dad is just being paranoid, even though he’s really just concerned that he’ll die if she makes out with someone. You know what? I think we all will.

The Haitian arrives and tells HRG they have to go to the Ukraine to find the paintings, and HRG agrees, saying he’ll think of a lie to tell his family. I still don’t get the point of this- they already know what’s going on.

Outside Molly’s room, Matt and Mo are discussing Molly’s freakout over Matt’s dad. Matt’s sorry, but he has to find his dad, and Molly has to help. Way to sacrifice your kid’s happiness for your own. Mo’s like, “That’s an emphatic NO,” Matt wants to find out whether his dad is the killer. If that’s the first place he goes, what do you think the answer is? Mo offers to take him to Blow, who he knows as “Bob.” Bob? That’s the most original name the writers can come up with? When Peter’s not shirtless for a week, the entire creativity gene goes to shit. As the two argue about whether Molly should have to face her worst nightmare, she comes out of her room and agrees to help Matt.

Thunder Thigh Bonanza. Monica and her manager are locking up for the night, and her manager hands her the keys. So she’s not qualified to be a manager, but she’s trustworthy enough to lock the place up? Whatever. Some grody-looking dude forces his way in and tries to hold the place up with a handgun, and Monica, being pretty smart, follows his directions and sits as he goes to the register. And then, suddenly, she gets up at lightning speed and does the same awesome move that she saw on the Pay-Per-View wrestling show. It kicked so much ass that I couldn’t even believe what I was seeing. Her manager returns and incredulously asks where she learned how to do that, and Monica answers, “On TV…”

Back at the apartment, Molly is armed with her thumbtack and an atlas, ready to find Daddy Matt. She mentally locates Philadelphia, which houses one of my most hated baseball teams, especially after this season (damn you, Pat Burrell!). She’s too scared to go inside the apartment building she sees, but after Mo’s reassurance, she finds the 3rd floor. She claims that the Nightmare Man knows she’s there and that he’s coming, but selfish Matt presses on. She gives him an apartment number, and Matt tells her to get out. She starts screaming, and then collapses on the couch. Mo tells Matt that she’s in shock and can’t wake up. Matt is yelling her name, but she can only answer him from inside her head. It’s like that scene in Fievel when the two mice are singing to each other from different continents. Good going, Matt- at least you know you’re sleeping underneath the same big sky.