OUT OF TIME

This episode begins in ancient Japan, which is awesome because this means my snack time comes early this week. Sweet- I totally have the chance to raid the gift basket of Godiva chocolates my dad just got from his broker that I “borrowed” from him when I went to visit last week.

Anyway, Kensei’s still pissed about Hiro and Yaeko, so he’s keeping them and Mr. Yaeko in some tent while Yaeko pleads for Hiro’s life. Just between us chicks, Yaeko, you might want to try NOT playing favorites after you cheat on the dude who is clearly not the one you want. Kensei’s just like, “Yeah, I’m thinking no. And also, I’m going to change history.” Then he just leaves, drunk on power. Or sake, I’m not sure which.

Odessa, Ukraine. HRG is stealing paintings- you know, for future reference. Anyway, we finally get a glimpse of the one we couldn’t see in last week’s episode, and it’s of Peter standing in front of what appears to be a window with a backwards biohazard sign painted on it. One of my friends listens to Biohazard, and he’s always wasted. Coincidence? Maybe. HRG calls Mo and asks if the Company’s issued him a gun, and Mo is like, “The fuck?” HRG explains about the paintings. Mo claims he doesn’t have a gun, and HRG asks him to figure out the paintings, because “they’re random.” Um, no they’re not. You know, watching HRG leave his prints all over a crime scene that he created and call a numbered sequence of paintings “random,” I’m really starting to wonder about him.

HRG wants to forward digital pics to Mo, but Mo says not to because the Company doesn’t trust him. HRG says his family is in danger and Mo angrily tells him that he doesn’t know what HRG’s agenda is anymore. Niki comes in to bring Mo to Blow, so he hangs up and HRG burns the paintings. Fire rules.

Back at the company, alarms go off and Blow calls for an evacuation. He tells Mo and Niki that it’s because of something Matt and Nathan told him. As soon as Nathan appears Niki gets this great look on her face like, “Oh, shit,” like she’s thinking back to how she practically raped him in Collision. Is this really the first time they’ve been face to face since then? It’s like every time my friends and I walk into a bar and we see our one-night stands, only no one can fly away and avoid any awkwardness. Matt tells everyone about his dad and how Blow’s next on the list.

Future New York City. This set looks a little like the NYC in I Am Legend, and I keep expecting to see deer and weirdly buff pseudo-vampires. Peter’s calling out for someone who might be alive, although the situation looks pretty grim, and Irish Setter asks if Peter had anything to do with their current sitch. I was totally waiting for him to be like, “No, retard! I’ve been here for like three seconds, just like you!” But instead some dudes in biohazard suits show up and stuff Peter and the Setter into a truck while asking them questions about their general health. So that’s what I need to do to get him into position. OK, then.

This week the Heroes logo is green. At first I thought HAZMAT was a sponsor or something but then I was like, “Oh, right- Green Week.”

When we come back from commercials, Claire is dead. No, dammit, she’s just sleeping. She gets a text from Teeth asking if she’s had breakfast yet, which is awesome because that probably means he’s not spying on her today. She texts back that she just woke up and he answers that it smells like she’s having waffles. I stand corrected. Claire understandably gets this creeped-out look on her face as she goes downstairs and asks if her mom made waffles. She didn’t, but Teeth did. At her house.

I’m sorry, but I have a major problem with this. What is this kid’s deal, and why has Claire not yet called the cops? Anyone in real life- girl or guy- would have at least gotten a restraining order by now. I mean, first dude follows her home, then he leaves a book in her driveway. And instead of telling him to drop dead, she makes out with him. That actually says just as much about her as it does about him, but OK. Then after they’ve been “dating” for like an hour and a half, he shows up at her house and makes her breakfast? What the fuck? I’m not much for commitment anyway, but this kid scares the crap out of me.

Apparently Claire isn’t as dumb as I thought, because she gives Teeth this look like, “Say WHAT?” Strangely, Claire’s mom doesn’t think this guy is weird at all, even though my mom would have grabbed this guy by the pants and hauled him out to the driveway, where he would have promptly been run over. My mom is smart. And also, not insane. Mrs. Bennet calls Teeth “adorable,” although I believe the word she’s really looking for is “whacked.”

When her mom leaves the room, Claire yells at Teeth for coming over, but he ignores her and shows her an article in the paper about the Head Bitch and their adventure at school the other day. He’s a little too excited about the article- he claims they’re “infamous.” Claire gets pissed, but Teeth says he just wants to be a part of her life- by becoming a stalker. Claire tells him he can stay, and Liana and I gag. We hate this kid.

I never thought I would say this, but the Company is a welcome distraction. Mo, Blow, Niki, Nathan and Matt are discussing Evil Parkman and possible solutions. Blow wants to inject him with the virus; Mo thinks that is an insanely bad idea. Hello- EVIL Parkman. Blow points out that Matt is the only one who can stop his father, and Matt argues that he can’t, because he is a total Scooby and has no self-confidence. Blow tells him he better learn how to use his powers on his father. I like Matt- I hope they start using him as something more than the Oscar Madison of Heroes.

1671 again. I go to get more candy. Kring is pissing me off- I totally wanted rock-hard abs for New Year’s and if he keeps inserting more of this time-travelling shit that just ain’t gonna happen. Mr. Yaeko claims that he made the guns that White Beard wants to use, so the downfall of Japan will be because of him. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Yaeko breaks free of her chains and then pulls away the opium that the guards are using to torture Hiro. That’s not torture, that’s the sweetest party ever! I wish that were me so I could get through this storyline every week. Hiro wonders aloud why everything is “purple.” Because you’re fucking stoned, dude. Live it up.
Yaeko tells Hiro to do his time travelling deal and save all of them, and by the time the guard walks in, they’re all gone. Like my patience.

Thankfully, the next scene consists of Peter, wet and shirtless. Oh yeah, and the Setter, but I’m trying not to think about her. So now I have my Godiva chocolates and wet and shirtless Peter. And…scene.

Anyway, the biohazard dudes are trying to “decontaminate” both Peter and the Setter, which is of course is pointless because they’re not sick. Peter is yelling out for the Setter, but she’s too busy crying and she can’t hear him. After he puts his clothes back on (“BOOOOO!” –Liana), Peter is given his files and told that he’s dead, and I begin to contemplate necrophilia. He’s told that the Setter’s being sent back to Ireland, which probably means we’ve seen the last of her, thank God, and that there’s an “infection” that they can’t believe Peter doesn’t have.

When it becomes evident that Peter really has no clue what that the hell is going on, the biohazard guy walks him through the facility and explains about the “infection:” It’s the Shanti Virus, which we know is named after Mo’s sister. It was first reported on March 20th, 2007, and since then has killed 93 percent of the world’s population. Those that haven’t died live in quarantine. Lovely. The camera cuts to hundreds of bodies wrapped in plastic, and we see the view that Isaac painted: Peter staring through a window with a backwards biohazard symbol on it. Peter is understandably pretty freaked out.

We go back to November 2007, and Matt is finally visiting Fievel Face at her hospital bed. He apologizes to her for making her find his father, and takes her hand. Her brain waves start to beep, seemingly from his mind-reading ability.

Mo and Niki are in the facility discussing the virus and its potential effects on Evil Parkman. Niki asks Mo if he trusts Blow, and Mo describes him as “morally gray, at best.” I think that’s putting it mildly. Niki thinks that they have the cure for the virus, so no one has to die, and Mo tells her that just because they have a cure, it doesn’t make what they’re doing right. Niki’s hangover from her Moron Mojito clearly has not yet worn off and she tells Mo that the Company can help her. Whatever, Niki- go back to sleep. Mo just leaves, because he clearly agrees with me.

Suddenly D.L. appears and starts throwing out all this shit about Niki being a killer. Niki just kind of looks at him, like, “am I high, or isn’t this dude supposed to be dead?” Then Mo comes back and D.L. disappears, thus confirming that Mo only left the scene to leave room for a Leonard Roberts appearance, which we all totally expected anyway since he was billed as a Special Guest Star in the opening credits. Mo and Niki leave and the camera pans to Evil Parkman, who clearly created Niki’s hallucination. And all this time I thought it was the opium.

Nathan and Blow are hanging around Blow’s office, and Nathan is sifting through files. Nathan claims that he knows all the families whose names are printed on the spines. Biblically? Oh, no, because his mom is one of them. That would be gross. Then he comes to the Adam Monroe file, and he says it’s the only name he doesn’t know. Blow explains that Adam is the one that’s trying to kill everyone. I’ll bet Adam is hot. Blow goes on to tell Nathan that the bad guys-Linderman, Evil Parkman- are Adam’s disciples. The ElderHeroes locked Adam up, but he escaped two weeks ago with revenge on the brain. Then Blow drops the bomb that Peter is alive. Nathan’s on Candid Camera!

In 2008, the biohazard dude walks Peter into a room where Mother Creepy is waiting. He finally looks as scared of her as everybody else is. The dude leaves and Mother Creepy hugs her son, but he doesn’t know who she is. Burn! He wants to go find the Setter, and to Mother Creepy’s credit, she doesn’t tell him to whistle and throw a ball. Instead, she brings up his powers. “You absorb abilities from other people. You are the most powerful of us all.” And also the hottest. She also says that he’s kind and caring and blah blah blah…he needs to take off some clothing. NOW. She brings up Nathan, and he doesn’t remember having a brother. Mother Creepy sends him memories of his family, including one of her carrying a birthday cake where she still looks kind of evil. The cake was probably poisoned. Peter stands up, looks at her and says, “Mom?” They hug, and Mother Creepy cries. Even I got a little weepy. My mom cried, but then again, she cries at Cymbalta commercials.

Claire’s house. She and Teeth are disgustingly making out on the couch while sharing headphones. It’s like a Lifetime movie (“Gag.” –Liana). I’m completely nauseated. Plus it’s really stupid. I never made out on the family room couch knowing my dad could walk in and catch me at any second. Poor Claire. Obviously the only part that can’t regenerate from injury is her brain. Even Mr. Muggles looks slightly constipated; then again, he’s a dog.

Claire takes this opportunity to bring up Teeth’s neck marks and says that if he’s going to be hanging at her place, she should probably tell him something. He thinks this means they’re moving too fast. Excuse me, but since when is stage-kissing moving too fast when he’s already let himself into her house for an impromptu waffle fest? Apparently second base for this kid is stalking; third base is MP3-playing. I hate him even more. What a complete nimrod.

Claire decides to end the most moronic conversation ever by going to get popsicles. Teeth thinks this is “awesome,” obviously thinking that “popsicles” is Claire’s secret code for “blowjobs.” HRG walks in and Teeth freaks out, saying they need to escape because the dude who abducted him found them. Claire stops him and says that she’s been trying to tell him that the “guy in the glasses” is her father. Well, you weren’t trying too hard; what were you doing this whole time? Oh, right, Teeth was eating your head. Teeth gets pissed and leaves.

Japan. Normally I would get mad, but this scene takes me away from Claire, so this time it’s OK. Just this once, though. Hiro claims he can destroy White Beard’s guns, but Yaeko wants to know about Kensei. Hiro insists that Kensei is really a good person, but his heart is broken because Hiro cheated on him. I mean Yaeko cheated on him. Hiro tells Yaeko to meet him under the cherry blossoms, and he disappears.

Mo and Niki are still at the facility, discussing the virus. Mo says that it can wipe out an entire species. Yeah, well, so can Britney Spears’ new album. I heard that when you play it backwards it gives you directions to a meth lab. Evil Parkman watches them from a distance, asking Niki’s mind to assist him in turning her into a killer. And what do you know, she totally helps him.

D.L. shows up again and tells Niki that by working for The Company, she’s putting Micah in danger. Niki answers that they can help her and that’s when Mo realizes that his “partner” is batshit nuts. Niki hallucinates that Blow shoots D.L., and he falls into her arms, just like last season when D.L. killed Linderman and now I wonder if I’m having flashbacks because I used a lot of Sharpies for work today and those things give off fumes, man. Mo walks over and he’s like, “Uh, Niki, you’re clearly insane and we need to get Blow to help you out because Evil Parkman is doing this.” Niki responds by hitting him, which sends Mo flying across the room. Sweet. Niki picks up the syringe with the virus in it and leaves, and Evil Parkman just smiles because he’s Evil Parkman.

Back in 1671, Hiro is about to light piles of gunpowder on fire in White Beard’s tent when Kensei shows up. Hiro claims that they can stop White Beard together, and Kensei says that they made a good team. “You showed me how to love,” he says. Does anyone else get a homo vibe from these two, or am I seriously ill?

He attacks Hiro and they cross swords…only not in that way, at least not on camera. The two fight and at least for a second resemble Isaac’s painting. Suddenly Hiro has both swords and Kensei is on the ground. A lantern falls and ignites the tent. Hiro tries to save Kensei, but he refuses Hiro’s hand, telling him in Japanese, “I will make you suffer.” Hiro time travels out of there and the tent blows up, taking the guns with it. Something tells me Kensei isn’t really dead, because this is Heroes. Plus we saw that episode where Claire went into her burning house and came right back out and her skin healed. Remember? Company Man? Remember?

In Blow’s office, Nathan is looking at footage of Peter getting tested from three months ago, and unfortunately, he’s not naked in any of the frames. Blow says that Peter was in Cork, Ireland, but that was a while ago, and they lost track of him. Understandably, Nathan is pretty pissed. The two are interrupted by Niki banging on the door; just like in Painting #3 (so I was right- it was of Niki). Blow gets up and stands next to Nathan. In Fievel Face’s room, Matt finally “gets his gun out.” He calls out for his father and the scene changes.

We enter a room that looks like it was decorated by my mom’s cats. The furniture is disgusting and the wallpaper is truly gross. I mean, it does not fit the décor at all. The whole room is Fifties Sitcom in Hell. On second thought, my mom’s cats could have done a better job. I wonder if we’ve entered into my nightmare.

Anyway, the door closes and it’s the same apartment where Matt and Nathan had their did-we-or didn’t-we moment back in Fight or Flight. This time, Fievel Face is there. She hugs Matt and says that his father trapped them both in the apartment. Back in Blow’s office, Niki breaks the door down.

Matt again calls out to his dad, and his father hears him and turns toward his son’s voice. At the same time, Niki enters Blow’s office with the syringe. Back in the apartment, Evil Parkman asks Matt if he brought him here, and Matt says that he did. In Blow’s office, Nathan tries to stop Niki, but that proves to be a supremely wasted effort. She’s convinced that Blow killed D.L., and she’s not listening to anyone but herself.

Nathan tells her to think of Micah, and she stabs herself with the needle. I can’t even watch- seriously, I HATE needles. She sinks to the ground and Nathan holds her. “I couldn’t get the nightmare out,” she says. “I had to stop myself.” She cries, I cry, we all cry. Damn.

Back in the Fifties Sitcom, Fievel Face wants Matt to get them out of the apartment. Shut up, Fievel Face- it’s not like he’s drawing up floor plans and filling out rent applications. Matt wants to confront his father before he leaves, which I am totally on board with- I’m tired of Matt acting like such a ridiculous wimp. It turns out the apartment is the place that Matt grew up in- I’d be fucked up too if I had to look at that design scheme every day for years. There’s brisket on the table- are they Jews? That would rock, but maybe not, because then the Jewish patriarch on the show would be evil, and what are the writers trying to say?

The food on the table says to Matt that it’s the night his father left, and Matt confronts him. His father says he loves him, and that he’s sorry. “Then turn yourself in,” Matt says. Evil Parkman says that can’t happen, because no prison can hold him. Matt says that’s not true; that he can trap him in the apartment because this is his nightmare, not Matt’s. Matt yells at his father, “I’m a good man! I’m a good cop! I’m a good father!” Again I get choked up. I must have PMS or something. “You don’t know what it’s like to fight for someone that you love. You left- all you have are your nightmares.” Damn, that’s cold. Matt opens the door and pulls Fievel Face through it as his father begs them not to leave. The door slams shut in his face.

Holy crap. That was some heavy shit.

Matt wakes up next to Fievel Face’s bed, and his father is on the floor, passed out. I used to wake up and find my brother passed out on the kitchen floor, but that was because he was drunk, and then I would step on him and laugh. Matt checks his father’s pulse, and as he does this, Fievel Face wakes up to the opening chords of “Somewhere Out There.” Matt promises that Evil Parkman will never hurt her again. They hug and he tells her he loves her. Aw.

Enough with all the sentimental bullshit. Back in 2008, Peter and Mother Creepy are walking through the contamination area. The Setter appears- damn, I thought she’d already been deported- and Peter runs to her. Someone grabs her and throws her back in the line with the other illegals and as Peter calls out for her, he winds up back in 2007 Montreal. Sucks for the Setter. Oh well- maybe she’ll find a nice Beagle to mate with.

In Japan, Hiro transports himself to the cherry blossoms to meet Yaeko, and she tells him that White Beard has been defeated. Hiro’s upset because he thinks he’s killed Kensei. I don’t think so, dude. Yaeko says that he is Kensei and wants him to live happily with her. Hiro says that the story doesn’t end like this- there’s another trial. The dragon that taught Kensei the Way of the Sword demands Yaeko in return, and Kensei cut out his heart to save her. Yaeko asks if that’s what he’s supposed to do- what a demanding bitch. Most girls just won’t shut up about a ring. Hiro says that he’s almost destroyed history enough already, and he has to go home. They kiss, and he leaves. If that doesn’t translate to “commitment-phobic,” people, I don’t know what does.

Back at The Company, Mo is trying to cure Niki. He has a bandage on his nose just like the one in Isaac’s painting, and I’m wondering where he’ll get the gun. Mo says the antibodies aren’t working and that his blood is no longer a cure. Niki asks if she’s going to die and Mo doesn’t have an answer.

In Tokyo, Ando’s in front of his computer. He turns away from his computer for a split second and when he turns back, Kensei’s mask is in front of him. Ando literally jumps out of his chair as Hiro tells him he brought him a souvenir. Frankly, I’m a little relieved that he took the mask to give to Ando and not to, you know, do stuff to it. Ando tells Hiro that it’s been months since he’s been gone, which is interesting because to all the viewers, it feels like it’s been about ten years. Hiro wants to find his father to tell him everything, and that’s when Ando tells him that his father’s been murdered. Hiro looks stunned.

Back at The Company, Blow is looking at a file when Mo enters to tell him that there’s a new strain of the virus that has no cure. Blow promises to destroy every last vial- what do you bet that’s a bold, spanking lie? Blow then hands Mo a police report describing Claire’s regeneration abilities and says that it’s a chance to save Niki. He hands Mo a gun and says that if HRG won’t let them take Claire they should be prepared to kill him. I can’t help but remember the last picture in the sequence.

Blow tells Mo about LHO, and sorry about the rhyming just then. He says that [“Bennet] left fingerprints- [he’s] getting sloppy.” Someone else noticed, I see. Maybe they’ll do a Law & Order/Heroes crossover series- that would kick ass! I’d never leave the house! Then, in an insanely stupid move, Mo tells Blow that he and HRG have been working together to bring down The Company. He says that he’s unsure of who’s right and who’s wrong, and that he wants to do the right thing. He takes the gun.

Back at home, HRG is downloading the paintings into his laptop. Claire’s mom comes up and asks if he’s met Claire’s boyfriend. HRG gets this look on his face like, “The what now?” His wife says that she checked him out and that he’s fine. Yeah, well, he showed up at your house with a skillet and some Bisquick after weeks of stalking, so your opinion of “fine” is not likely to be taken into account, Mrs. Bennet. HRG gets all squeamy and his wife attributes his reaction to the idea that his “little girl” is growing up and not because Claire is a whore, and the fact that she has a boyfriend means that it’s only a year and a half until a fat ass and a trailer makes an appearance in the family reunion pics. She leaves, and HRG looks at the picture of himself all dead and shit.

Meanwhile, Claire is trying to call/text/stalk Teeth, but he’s ignoring her. That’s actually a pretty good tactic, because I love it when guys ignore me. I mean it- it makes me crazy. HRG walks in and is all pissed about the newspaper article about the Head Bitch. Claire says that it’s nothing, but I was sixteen once, and I know that that is NOT the way to get a parent off your back. HRG tells Claire that he asked her to keep her nose clean and wants to know if her boyfriend put her up to this. Claire says that’s none of his business. Um, actually, Claire? It sort of is. Claire accuses him of lying about being at a copy conference the other day when he was really in Odessa, and HRG tells the whole family that they’re moving, and Claire says they’re going without her. Skank.

Back in Montreal, Peter is diverting my attention away from the scene with his intoxicating display of hotness. He tries to think his way back (forward?) to 2008, but he can’t. He looks at Adam’s note, trying to remember. I have no idea who Adam is, because I hate spoilers and I stayed away from all the boards. I do, however, have a feeling that this reveal is going to be sick.

A noise comes from behind him, so he turns around and shoots blue electricity at whatever it is. A hand comes out from behind a mirror and grabs the bolt. The hand burns and regenerates. Oh my God, I totally know who it is!

The man steps out from behind the mirror and dude, I was totally right- it’s Kensei! He’s in 2007 clothes and if I thought he was hot before, holy crap. Like I need even more distractions. It’s bad enough when Peter’s in a scene and I have to try to focus, but now there are going to two of them? Dude, I should give up now.

“Peter, what the hell was that?” Kensei asks. Peter wants to know if Kensei knows him. Kensei tells him, “Of course I know you. It’s me, Adam. Don’t you remember? You and I are going to change history.”

This is going to be good.

THE LINE
You know what’s weird? Fight Club- the movie- is on my brothers’ TV right now, and Fight Club- the dude- is also lying in a charred heap on the floor of the Wandering Rocks pub. He’s in this scene in the movie, too. Mmmm, Brad Pitt, shirtless. He can knock me around whenever he wants.

Anyway, down to business. This week picks up where last week left off, with Peter and Irish Setter standing over Fight Club’s burned body. Someone’s called the cops, and the pub is now a crime scene. Peter apologizes for causing Fight Club’s death, and Irish Setter says that it was her brother’s choice to cover for him, and that she’s come to terms with his death. Already? What a bitch. Peter that he’s going to Montreal to find the killer and The Setter offers to go with him; can you say clingy?

Costa Verde. Last week we got a reprieve from Claire and I prayed that she’d been written off; unfortunately, no such luck. Claire is trying out for the cheerleading squad and I have to admit, her proficiency for gymnastics puts her acting skills to shame. Then again, my competitive eating skills put her acting to shame, and I’m just under 100 pounds, so there you go. However, the Head Cheerleading Bitch, who is clearly in her late twenties, isn’t that impressed, and claims that none of the girls made it. One of the other cheerleaders disagrees, but she’s not the Head Bitch, so it doesn’t work. Claire thanks the other girl for trying, and the Head Bitch comes over and tells Claire she’s not EXTRAORDINARY, placing full emphasis on the word. We’re all supposed to notice the irony.

We get a break from Claire and find Monica in New York with Mo. She’s also doing gymnastics, but I’m a lot more intrigued by her storyline, because, frankly, she’s not an ungrateful cow. Monica wants an explanation as to what is going on with her powers, and Mo tells her that she has “adopted muscle memory.” He tells her a little bit about the facility- that it’s helping her and others like her- and we all know that’s a big pile of horseshit. Blow comes in and introduces himself as “Bob,” a name that is so un-creative that I can’t help thinking it’s a code name. Wouldn’t that be something?

Blow calls Mo out of the room and, once they’re both out of Monica’s earshot, informs Mo that he’s supposed to give Monica the virus. Mo sees a folder labeled ADAM MONROE, and calls Blow on it. Blow informs him that there’s a variation of the Shanti virus that they need to inject into innocent people. Mo is all, “I think NOT,” but Blow says that experimenting with the virus is the only way to create a vaccine. Mo tells Blow that this may cause an incurable virus that could infect the world. A-ha- now we’re getting somewhere, and note my use of the word “A-ha.” I’m sorry. I promise never to do that again. I like that song, though. Blow then brings up Sylar and says that some people’s abilities must be stopped, which totally gives him license to test the virus on innocent people like Monica.

Mo doesn’t agree, but instead of growing a spine, he calls HRG and tells him about the virus experimentation. HRG tells Mo to just test the virus on Monica, because if he doesn’t, the Company will get rid of him. And that would be, like, bad or something.

Our new foreign location for the week is the Ukraine, where a woman in some designer gown that looks like Vanna White wore it in the ‘80’s is telling some kid not to be late. The dude from the Lee Harvey Oswald episodes of Quantum Leap comes in and he is WAY too old to be married to this broad. She’s like, 35 and he’s gotta be at least 60. But those episodes of QL were awesome. Cougar and the kid leave, and HRG walks in and starts speaking Russian. My head is spinning from all these languages. Apparently this new dude’s name is Ivan, but that sounds like a girl’s name and I’m just going to call him Lee Harvey Oswald, No, LHO, because Lee Harvey Oswald is too much typing and my fingers are too small. HRG greets LHO as a friend, then smacks him across the face. What did he do, steal HRG’s Big Wheel?

Claire’s still in school- this and the fact that the janitor teaches science are both a total testament to dropping out. She and Teeth are talking/annoying me at the lunch table. They’re having a boring conversation about how Claire lied to her dad about cheerleading and ha ha! She didn’t make the squad! Sucks to be you, Claire. Teeth then comes up with some plan about how to totally humiliate the Head Bitch and get Claire on the squad. We don’t hear it yet, because that would destroy the curiosity that I don’t have, but I’ll bet it involves Teeth flying and Claire injuring herself and then healing.

The Wonderless Twins are back. I guess they weren’t killed off, either. I would be really angry, but I guess the writers knew that everyone hates those two, so they got the genius notion to stick Zachary Quinto in a wifebeater. Man, he looks good (Liana makes lion noises over the phone). I’m trying to remember if he was this hot last year. I think he probably was, but it was hidden under lame-ass sweaters and geek glasses.

Anyway, Wifebeater is asleep in the backseat and Calisto is driving, which leaves no opportunity for road head. Sylar and Calisto are talking about their respective powers- she thinks hers is terrible because she kills people, and Sylar wants to see Dr. Suresh to get his back. Then he totally hits on her and says that their powers can be pretty cool if they let them. Dude, they both totally want to get it on. It actually looks like it might happen until Wifebeater wakes up and ruins everything. His power is obviously “Boner Destroyer.” Calisto brilliantly tells Wifebeater Sylar’s entire plan and says that Sylar’s a gift from God. Maybe in that shirt, he is.

We jump from one boring, unnecessary plotline to another. The restorer and Ando sit down to read the scrolls, which means it’s about time for my snack.

In 1671, Yaeko is painting a picture of White Beard’s camp. I’m beginning to sense a theme here- maybe she can start painting pictures of something more exciting- Shirtless Peter, perhaps? Hiro tries to convince Yaeko not to fight, but she insists that as long as Kensei is with her, she has nothing to be afraid of. She seems to be ignoring the fact that Kensei is a borderline alcoholic, but whatever. Yaeko is worried about finding White Beard, but Hiro announces that he can be found in a tent that has smoke coming from it; also, it’s red while the others are tan. White Beard is pretty stealth. Yaeko is mad at him for guessing, even though he’s totally not; that was in the stories Hiro’s father used to tell him. Kensei enters and says the exact same thing and Yaeko gets all suspicious. Hiro just starts homo-ing about Kensei again. And I’m bored.

Back in the Ukraine, LHO is tied to a chair as HRG tries to find out about the paintings. LHO claims he doesn’t know anything, and he’s not intimidated by HRG because he trained him, and his “invisible partner, Claude.” They should totally bring him back- that guy rocked. HRG gets all up in the dude’s face and goes, “Then you know what I’m capable of- don’t make me do this.” The atmosphere gets pretty tense. The Haitian comes out, and HRG tells LHO that if he doesn’t give up the location of the paintings, the Haitian will erase all his memories, including the birth of his children and his wedding day. To his credit, LHO doesn’t look that scared. Dude’s good. We cut to commercial.

When we come back, it turns out HRG wasn’t kidding. LHO’s memories are gone, but he still won’t talk. Damn, all I would need is a piece of cheesecake and I’d give up my ATM code. Don't get any ideas. All of a sudden HRG gets a phone call from Claire, who in true Claire fashion has impeccable timing. She wants to borrow the car, and HRG, exhibiting stellar fathering capabilities considering her last car got stolen, says yes. Claire asks where he is, and HRG lies that he’s in Tulsa. Because Claire doesn’t trust him, she knows he’s lying, but he gets off the phone. Then we cut to Claire, where Teeth walks up with a ski mask. Apparently their plan involves robbing a bank at gunpoint, so she’s the last person who should be accusing anybody of anything.

HRG continues to menace his old friend, who thinks that it must be difficult for Claire, always running and having to worry about being discovered. I’m confused- aren’t all his memories gone? Oh, wait, it’s just some of them; HRG instructs the Haitian to remove all LHO’s memories of the Bennet clan as well. This finally gets to LHO- he says family is important to both of them and maybe they can make a deal. So let me get this straight: this dude would rather remember HRG’s family than his own? How is this realistic? Anyway, the deal LHO offers HRG is to come back to the Company, and HRG’s not having it. Something tells me this will not end well.

Meanwhile, Sylar and The Wonderless Twins are still heading for the border. Maybe when they get there, Sylar will finally kill them and then take off his shirt. I don’t know why, but they decide to just drive through a fence, which of course attracts the Border Patrol. Sylar tells them to just drive around the dudes with guns, and Calisto actually does it and prays to God. I hate her even more, because she’s clearly a moron.

In NYC, Mo and Monica are in a room with a scary-looking needle. Of course, all needles are scary-looking to me, because I hate needles. Mo’s about to stick the needle into Monica’s arm, and I outwardly cringe because seriously, I HATE needles. Suddenly, though, he grows a sack and decides that he’s not going to inject a virus into a guiltless person. He tells Blow, and Blow says that if he won’t, someone else will. Mo grabs a chair and throws it at the cabinet of vaccines, destroying everything inside. He says that he’s taking Fievel Face and leaving. That’s a nice concept, Mo, but they’ll never let you leave.

In Mexico, the twins are stuck in the car, which is surrounded by Border Patrol. Encouraged by Sylar, Calisto brings on the black shit and drives off.

At Claire’s school, there’s some hazing ritual going on with the cheerleaders. The Head Bitch is clearly wasted off her ass. Claire comes over and asks to talk to her in private- she wants another shot at tryouts. Of course, Head Bitch says no- I might like her if she weren’t such a stereotype and she also didn’t look like she was already in and out of high school six times. While she and Claire are talking, Teeth flies down, grabs Claire and takes off with her in his arms. The two of them pretend to fight in the air and Teeth drops Claire on the stairs of the school. Head Bitch gets the hell out of there and even I have to admit that their plan, whatever it is, is pretty cool.

Head Bitch is giving her statement to the cops, and she totally may have wanted to pop a mint first, because the cops are looking at her like, “Whatever, dude. You’re plastered.” As Head Bitch insists that Claire is dead on the stairs, Claire walks up, all, “What’s up, Bitches?” All the cheerleaders watch and silently mock as another cop walks up with a liquor bottle.

In 1671 Japan, Hiro, Yaeko and Kensei hide behind a bush in a scene that frankly, was kinda like those old cartoons where the character hid behind a shrub and you could see their feet as they used it to move around and follow the gorilla or whatever. Kensei tells Hiro that he’s given him purpose and made him a better man. Seriously, guys, just kiss already. Kensei finds the guard, who stabs him, but of course that doesn’t do jack shit. Kensei removes the sword from his stomach and smacks the guard in the face with the end. The only thing that keeps me watching this plotline is David Anders’ comedy.

The three of them enter the tent and find Yaeko’s father. Mr. Yaeko says that he has to stay, because he’s the only one that can destroy White Beard’s arsenal of guns, and if he doesn’t help White Beard, Yaeko will die. Apparently White Beard has plans to overthrow the Emperor, and Hiro says that if guns are used, it will end the way of the Samurai and the Sword. Enough with the history lessons, Hiro. Hiro explains that destroying all the guns is how Kensei will save Japan. So Kensei cuts Mr. Yaeko’s chains and they all run away- in broad daylight. And no one stops them.

In Fievel Face’s hospital room, she’s still in the coma that Evil Parkman put her in. Mo is standing watch like the Felix that he is. How come Matt never comes to visit? Blow appears and apologizes for asking Mo to play around with the virus. He says that the Company is dealing with someone who’s even more dangerous than Sylar, and Mo asks if it’s Adam Monroe. After confirming this, Blow basically goes on to say that Mo is the Company’s moral standard and they need him to stick around. Mo doesn’t trust Blow, so Blow offers him what sounds to me like a partner, and what also sounds like someone who could be a very bad guy.

Again with Japan. Hiro, Yaeko, Kensei and Mr. Yaeko are being chased, because they were stupid enough to run around in the middle of the day. Kensei fights off guards and some asshole points a gun at Yaeko. Hiro grabs her and squints his eyes to time travel, because that won’t be suspicious at all, and Kensei might get mad that Hiro is cheating on him. I meant Yaeko. Yaeko is cheating. Anyway, Hiro pulls Yaeko out of the path of the gun and into another set piece, and Yaeko gets all freaked out.

Anyway, Hiro brings Yaeko back to Japan, and she’s still PMS-ing at him about his powers. Hiro’s trying to fake like he didn’t do anything but she knows that’s BS. She knows that Hiro can move from one place to another, and she knows that he was pretending to be Kensei. She asks him if he loves her, and he says that he does. And then they start making out. I thought Hiro was totally going to die a virgin, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately Kensei can see them and you know he’s pissed. Hiro’s voiceover goes, “It was the kiss that changed me forever, Ando.”

Hold up. A kiss changed you forever? If a blowjob changed you forever, ok then. But a kiss? What is this, third grade?

Anyway, that was the last scroll, so hopefully we’ll get a new storyline. Probably not, though.
We go back to Sylar and the Wonderless Twins. Wifebeater is trying to kick Sylar’s ass, which is pretty funny considering the weight ratio. Calisto breaks up the fight, and I imagine her interference only works because Sylar really wants to get laid and knows that beating up a woman’s family member is not the way to get that accomplished.

Wifebeater tries to make her choose between the two of them, and in my head I’m making a scale with my hands: annoying, meddlesome brother or hot, potential bang. Wifebeater says that Sylar can stay, but she’ll have to learn to control her powers on her own. Calisto goes to get something to take care of Sylar, who graciously takes the opportunity to inform Wifebeater of his plan to eventually kill both of them. Yes, please!

In Costa Verde, Claire is feeling guilty about what she and Teeth did to Head Bitch. Why? I thought it was awesome. So does Teeth, who thinks Claire is bringing him down. The nice cheerleader comes over and tells Claire that Head Bitch got kicked off the squad for being drunk, so Claire’s in.

Here’s the problem I have with Teeth and Claire’s little scheme: first of all, they were banking on the probability that Head Bitch would be smashed out of her mind at that very moment, and that the penalty for being drunk would be a permanent, not temporary, booting from the squad, and not a suspension or anything. Isn’t it convenient that things worked out for them just so? Other than that, though, bang-up job!

On the other side of the world, HRG sees a photo of LHO’s daughter, and LHO confirms that she died of leukemia. HRG threatens to take his memories of her, and this finally gets to LHO, who says that the paintings are in “the warehouse,” where they “tagged the liquid man.” LHO wants the Haitian to erase his memories of HRG’s visit, but HRG knows that this will lead the Company to his family. He trashed LHO’s home to make it look like a burglary, but I watch enough Law & Order to know that HRG’s prints are now all over the house. He points his gun at LHO’s head and did my bedroom actually get colder, or was that a chill running down my spine? LHO yells at HRG that he’s condemning himself to Hell. HRG pulls the trigger, looks at his friend’s dead body, and says, “I know.”

Fuck, man.

In 1671, Hiro runs up to Kensei, who’s crouched over a fire, probably tearing up photo booth pictures of the two of them together and performing other break-up rituals. Kensei tells Hiro that he saw him and Yaeko together, and that Hiro betrayed him. Hiro tells him that he and Yaeko are in love, and Kensei says that “first you show me how I can be harmed by no weapon; then you cut me deeper than any blade ever could.” (“Ooh- burn.”- Liana) Hiro says that he’ll back off, and that they must stop White Beard, and his obsession with this is starting to get really irritating. Kensei agrees to do it, but then he hits Hiro, which is what we’d all like to do, and Hiro falls. White Beard enters with Yaeko and her father, and tells Kensei that whatever he wants will be his. Good job, Hiro, you dumbass.

The Company’s taken Monica back to New Orleans and outfitted her with an iPod, which is a device that really belongs on Journeyman, which overloads us every single week on its Apple sponsorship. I’d want my iPod jacked up with Clash tunes; however, Blow informs Monica that this one has videos of kick-ass moves to practice her powers with. Monica says that the iPod’s like her “own personal Oprah.” Monica rules.

Mo’s back at the Company, and Niki enters. Ali Larter just did a Cosmo cover, and she looks better here than she did in that stupid pose that Cosmo makes all their models do. Although she looked great there, too. If I were a blonde, I’d want to look exactly like Ali Larter, although I wouldn’t put whipped cream on my genitalia, because that just seems like a yeast infection waiting to happen. Mo seems shocked to see her, though Niki claims she’s feeling better, thanks to the Company. I don’t like this new, seemingly stupid Niki. I like the old, super-strong, pulls doors off walls Niki. Also, she looks like she’s wearing the Editor pants from Express. Sateen? Seriously? The old Niki had way better fashion sense.

Niki tells Mo she’s his new partner, and Mo is like, “Brr?” She looks happy, but also like she kind of wants to throw him into some glass. Liana and I are sort of afraid.

In the Ukraine, it seems as if HRG and the Haitian have found the paintings and are assembling them in what appears to be some kind of order. The first one is of Dad Nakamura’s death; then there’s one of a hand holding a vial. Painting #3 appears to be what is probably Niki banging angrily on a wall; #4 is hidden and we can’t see what it is. The fifth one is missing, the sixth one is what I believe is Hiro fighting Kensei, and the seventh is Suresh with a bandage on his nose, holding a smoking gun. Hm, interesting. The last picture, which we’ve already seen, is of HRG’s death. HRG asks what the pictures mean, which is a great question to ask an audience that has to figure out something new every week.

We cut to Peter- finally!- and Irish Setter as they stand outside the building that happens to be in the painting of their own, as they look at the picture and see the exact same scene represented in it. They’re in Montreal, for both of you who didn’t get it. They enter the building, and Jesus, this room is messier than mine. The mirror has a tag with Peter’s name written on it, and he goes to the note and reads it. It says, “Meet me in the stables in five minutes and be naked. I’ll bring the jodhpurs.” It’s from me.

No, seriously. When he turns the note over, it reads: “We were right about The Company. The world is in danger. It’s up to us. Adam.” Peter has no clue who Adam is, and doesn’t know about the Company, either. He’s getting all pissed that he can’t remember shit, and doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do about the world being in danger. May I suggest a lap dance?

Irish Setter hugs Peter, who asks her to tell him who he is and what the future holds. That would have been the perfect time to suggest sex. Woman, what the fuck is the matter with you?

When Peter opens his eyes, they’re standing in front of Times Square. Neither of them know how they got there, but they do recognize the stench of urine and sewer water, so they realize they must be in New York City. The place is totally uninhabited-maybe the water crept over from New Jersey and killed everyone. Peter picks up one of the pieces of paper from the ground and sees that it’s an evacuation order dated June 14, 2008. So that means they’re in future New York City. Liana and I collectively make Scooby noises as we contemplate having Fifth Avenue all to ourselves, virus be damned.