CAUTIONARY TALES
This week’s episode opens on the Bennet family, who are all packing up to move. Everyone, that is, except Princess Claire, who in true Princess Claire fashion has to piss and moan and ruin everything for everyone. Her Majesty enters the scene in her ugly Costa Verde cheeerleader’s uniform, which sparks outrage from HRG, who informs Princess Claire that they’re moving, in case she forgot. Princess Claire insists that she’s not going, and I seethe with rage. Someone needs to smack this girl across the face. HRG tells her to get upstairs and take the uniform off, and there’s another “You’re the bad guy.” “No, YOU’RE the bad guy!” argument between the two of them. I’m getting really bored of these. Princess Claire accuses her father of kidnapping Teeth, and her whole family is like, “Asphincter says WHAT?”

Her Highness tries to leave, and when HRG tries to stop her, she taunts him by asking him to tie her up. Whoa. I mean, I know she goes for older guys, but this getting a little too Showtime for me. HRG even has some duct tape on hand, which is even more disturbing. Mrs. Bennet just orders the Princess to go to school and say goodbye to her friends and then come home and start packing. Yeah, that’ll work. Before she leaves, Princess Claire looks pointedly at her dad and says, “I hate you.” Snot-nosed brat.

We travel to Japan to attend Hiro’s father’s funeral. The episode title appears on two headstones as Hiro gets up to speak, but instead of delivering a eulogy, he walks off. Ando follows him, and Hiro tells him that he has to go back and find out who killed his father, because apparently he didn’t learn anything from fucking with the 17th century. Hiro blinks his eyes and winds up on the roof during the Nakamura/Mother Creepy conversation. He darts off to the side so they don’t see him and eavesdrops. Smooth.

Matt and Mo’s apartment. Matt’s looking at a photo of the ElderHeroes and they’ve all been identified, except for one woman. Fievel Face comes in and says that she didn’t have any nightmares that night- probably because she and Matt are sleeping underneath the same big sky. Matt makes her breakfast and she looks at the photo, asking what it is. He tells her it’s a puzzle and she offers to find the people in it, but he says no. He tells Fievel Face he wants her to be a normal little girl, but that’s impossible because she looks like a cartoon mouse. They hug, and Fievel Face suddenly agrees to be normal. Her eyes open and it’s way creepy. Matt thinks at her that she should come back to the table and finish her cereal, and she does. Holy shit, that would be an AWESOME superpower.

We go back to Costa Verde, but thank God, Her Royal Whine-ness is nowhere to be found. Mo and Blow appear to be in the pool area of some hotel. Blow mentions “taking out” HRG, and Mo, who’s no fool, realizes that Blow means “killing” him. Mo says that he’s not choosing sides, and understands that using Claire’s blood as a cure is the right thing for everyone, whatever the hell that means. Blow says that Mo is a good guy; that’s why he’s getting a partner- that’s when he introduces Veronica Mars as his daughter. How many of us are surprised?

Veronica Mars makes some comment about Mo’s broken nose, which is kind of rude, and Blow questions whether she’s been working on her gun skills. Call me crazy, but she’s the last person I’d trust with a gun. Veronica Mars glances at Mo and says, “Hey Fight Club- get a load of this.” She uses her finger like a gun at a drink sitting on a table and the electricity that shoots from her hand shatters the glass. That’s kind of awesome, even if she is batshit nuts. Also, how cool is it that I coined a character name months ago that they’re now using on the show? They probably didn’t steal it from me, but still.

Across town, Princess Claire is building something with rocks that I probably don’t give a shit about. Teeth shows up and asks what her “deal” is, even though he’s the one that deserves a restraining order. Princess Claire insists that she really does care about him, and that she’s “just a cheerleader,” which is slang for “moron.” She says that if she told him the truth about her dad, it would have driven him away. She does have a point, there. She says that her family is moving, but she’s staying for him, even though she’s known him for like, thirty seconds. He doesn’t believe her and flies away, and we see that she was actually spelling out “SORRY” with the rocks. That would be kind of sweet if I cared about her. Or Teeth. Or if this were a believable storyline.

New York City. Matt is at the police station, on the phone with the FBI. His boss hangs up the phone for him, which is extremely rude, but also quite the icebreaker. He asks why Matt’s conversing with the FBI, and Matt says that he’s trying to get more info on Nakamura’s murder. He says that he doesn’t believe Mother Creepy’s confession, but Chief Asshole wants the case dropped. Matt says that this group of people was involved in some sort of organization and pulls out the photo, and we see the whole group. Matt mentions his father, and the Chief tells Matt he’s too personally involved. Suddenly Matt remembers what happened with Fievel Face, and mentally tells his boss that he should give him a day to work on the case and talk to Mother Creepy. The Chief agrees.

Back at the Bennet house, HRG finds a picture of twelve-year-old Teeth in his files, and I finally see the connection between his Heroes gig and his part as Larry in Election. Mrs. Bennet sees it and asks him if he really did the things that Claire accused him of. HRG says that he thought he was doing something good- yeah, I can see why he’d think that bagging and tagging was helping to save the planet. Go Green!

HRG shows his wife the picture and says that Teeth can fly. He then shows her the paintings, including the one of him getting shot in the eye, and he tells her he doesn’t believe that he’ll really be shot, which of course is a bold, stinking lie. He tells her that Claire won’t leave town because of this kid, and he at least wants to talk to him to find out if there’s any way to stop the murder from happening. He takes his wife’s hand and tells her he needs her; she pulls away to take Lyle to school. Burn.

After his wife leaves, HRG calls Mo to ask if Fievel Face can help find Teeth. Mo says that he can do it and HRG hangs up. Mo then enters a hotel room to find Blow and Veronica Mars and tells them that HRG just called him and that he’s looking for Teeth. Thanks a lot, Traitor. Veronica Mars gives Mo the gun. Mo refuses to kill anyone and says if they don’t do it his way, he’ll tell HRG everything. Yeah, that’ll work. Blow tells Mo about LHO and how HRG killed him in Odessa as Veronica Mars sexually assaults Mo in the background. What is it with this chick? Can’t she just buy some porn? Blow agrees to Mo’s plan, but I’m pretty sure that’s a lie.

Back on the Roof, Hiro watches the argument between his dad and Mother Creepy. Mother Creepy bolts, and Hiro stupidly runs out to talk to his father. He explains about the time travelling, and tells his father about the impending murder. His father tells him not to fuck around with fate, but Hiro reminds his father that he once felt just like Hiro does now. He puts his hand on his father’s shoulder and transports him back in time.

At the Bennet house, HRG is headed out the door when his wife asks where he’s going. I guess women are kind of nosy. HRG vaguely explains that there’s “something” he needs to do. He opens the door as Teeth grabs him and flies into the air, asking HRG if he remembers him at all. Teeth really wants to know about Claire, and HRG says that she really does care about him even though the dude is a borderline criminal. They finally land, and HRG is lying on top of Teeth like a scene out of a really bad prison movie. HRG tells Teeth that he’s taking the family out of town, and Teeth needs to tell her to leave. Hey, HRG- I’d like to tell her to leave. Hand me a meat cleaver and I’ll get right to work.

HRG’s cell phone rings and it’s Mo, who tells him that Teeth is at the corner of Verbena and Palm. They’re actually at the corner of Ocean and 4th, so HRG knows that Mo is a big fat stupid liar, and he tells Teeth that Claire is in danger and that he needs his help.

At Claire’s school, Princess Claire gets called away from cheerleading practice by her coach. He introduces her to Blow, who lies that he wants to talk about what happened with her, Teeth and the thirty-five-year-old head cheerleader. He and Princess Claire walk off the field together, but she freaks when he calls her “Bennet” instead of “Butler” and she runs home.

Again we’re faced with a Peter-less episode. Liana and I are very upset.

At the corner of Verbena and Palm, Mo and Veronica Mars are waiting in the car. He asks whether she’s killed a lot of people, and she tells him that’s none of his business. Actually, it sort of is. He says that he wants to talk to HRG before Veronica Mars just kills him, and she agrees. HRG shows up and asks why Veronica Mars is there, and Mo says she’s just trying to solve the mystery of the meat in the cafeteria. Mo apologizes for lying, but then says he only needs a few minutes- he’s here to ask for Claire because they need her blood. He says that Claire will be returned safe and alive, and HRG is like, “Scusemewhatthefuck?” The two of them argue back and forth until Mo pulls out the gun and tells HRG to drive.

Princess Claire runs into the house and sees her dad’s computer with the death painting on the screen. A hand grabs her shoulder and she screams, but it turns out to be her mother. Her mom tells her all about Blow and says they have to leave. Princess Claire asks about the death painting, and her mom says that HRG thinks it’s actually going to happen. Blow appears with a gun and explains that Isaac Mendez painted the picture, and that he could paint the future. He looks at Mrs. Bennet and says, “Good to see you again, Sandra.” It turns out Blow was the Regional Manager for Primatech- or so they say. I’ve been a manager, and I never got a gun. Then again, I never managed a super-secretive evil company like the one on Heroes.

Mo and HRG get to some alley and exit the car, the gun still trained at HRG’s head. HRG asks who Mo’s partner is, and Mo has no idea what he’s talking about. HRG explains that Company policy is for everyone to have a partner. Veronica Mars appears from behind a van and HRG mutters, “Elle.” She perkily replies, “Hey you!” The way she said that line really annoys me for some reason. I think it’s just because she annoys me. Electric blue crap flies around her hands, and both she and HRG look up as Teeth swoops down and tackles Veronica Mars. They roll around on the ground and she gets knocked unconscious. Good, maybe she’ll shut up for two seconds. Mo points the gun at HRG, and we all see the death painting in the back of our minds, but then HRG punches Mo in his busted nose and grabs the gun. He points it at Mo’s face and makes an awesome speech about lies and betrayal. “How’d you think it was gonna end?” He asks. “Nobody’s taking my little girl!” He kicks Mo in the gut. I still don’t understand why everyone loves Claire so much. Oh well, it makes for good TV.

HRG comes home to find his wife duct-taped to a chair. So the props department found some use for that after all. I prefer that they give it to me to use on Peter, but it doesn’t look like he’s making an appearance this week, dammit. Anyway, HRG removes the tape on his wife’s mouth, and she tells him that Blow took Claire. HRG doesn’t seem too worried, because he hates Claire, just like the rest of us. And also, because he has collateral. Teeth walks in with Veronica Mars slung over his shoulder, still unconscious. He brings Veronica Mars into the house and HRG asks his wife if she packed Mr. Muggles’ doggie bath.

The camera then shows us Veronica Mars’ feet, shoved into a tub of water. She’s been tied to a chair with leashes, which could be kind of a turn-on, if Veronica Mars were a dude. A naked dude. HRG sprays her with water, and she wakes up. He tells her he needs to speak with Blow, and she refuses. He sprays her again, and when she tries to use her electric blue crap, it only works on herself. I got to hand it to HRG, that’s a pretty cool plan. I mean, he could have just shot her or something, but this one uses more CGI.

HRG tells Veronica Mars that he knows all about her ability; he was there when her father started testing her, back when she was just a normal little girl. She denies that her father would ever do that to her, but HRG claims that he “led the charge.” Veronica Mars doesn’t remember that- what do you bet the Haitian was involved? HRG says that he never wanted his daughter to become like Veronica Mars and says that he wants to make a trade with Blow: Princess Claire for Veronica Mars.

HRG calls Blow and says that if Blow touches his daughter, HRG will kill his, “and then I’ll kill you.” He tells Blow to meet them at the Imperial Beach in two hours. Blow tells Princess Claire that her father disappointed him- he thought HRG would be loyal to the end, which he has, only not to them. Princess Claire tells Blow to take all the blood he wants, just leave her father alone. This is most likely a mistake, seeing as how she won’t benefit from this in any way and therefore doesn’t care about the outcome.

We’re now in Tokyo, seventeen years in the past at Hiro’s mother’s funeral. Hiro explains to his father that he’s brought him there so that his father will understand his pain. Nakamura says that his wife’s funeral was the saddest time of his life, but it doesn’t change what must happen. Hiro claims that it does. Nakamura orders his son to bring him back to the present time, but Hiro refuses and runs off, and in doing so bumps into himself as a little boy. Young Hiro points a sword at himself and says that he’s Takezo Kensei. Knowing what we know now, I feel kind of bad for the kid. Young Hiro asks Hiro why his father is painting his mother’s grave, and Hiro says that the husband and wife’s names are carved into the stone, and his father is painting his name red, which is a promise to join his wife later. After the husband dies, the paint will be wiped off the stone. Young Hiro says that he’s a superhero, and therefore won’t let his father die. Hiro tells Young Hiro to listen to his father and learn from him. Hiro goes to his father and admits that he was childish and that he will take his father back to his death. I like this story a hell of a lot better than the one from 400 years ago.

At HRG’s house, HRG thanks Teeth and tells him to go home. Yes, PLEASE go home. Teeth tells him that he’s the best way to get Claire out of danger. Uh, how, exactly? This kid is 16 years old and weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet. I’d really like to hear whatever plan he has.

HRG tells Teeth to wait in the car, and Mrs. Bennet tells her husband that girls tend to find boys just like their dads. HRG inquires whether this is because Teeth can fly. “Her real dad,” Mrs. Bennet says. “You.” That was the best line in the episode. I got choked up a little. Shut up! I do so have feelings! HRG gives his wife the gun, and she says nothing’s going to happen. Hayden Panettiere must be really thankful that the heavy, dramatic scenes are being done without her so she doesn’t have to showcase her dismal acting.

Up on the roof, Nakamura says goodbye to his son. He tells Hiro that he’s proud of him, and Hiro tells his father to give his love to his mom; then he disappears. They both get teary, and so do Liana and I. Damn you, writers! Next week’s episode had better have people falling down a flight of stairs and landing in pudding, or something equally as hilarious.

We then get a re-enactment of Nakamura’s murder, only this time, we get a close-up of the bottom half of the killer’s face. I kind of think I know who it is, but I don’t want to put it down on paper because if I’m wrong, I’ll look like a jackass. Ando appears with the sword that Nakamura requested, and Hiro freezes the action, telling his friend that while he can’t save his father, he can find out who the murderer is. He pulls the hood back and sees the face of Kensei, and I was so right! Someone buy me a drink! Or six.

In the present, Matt is visiting Mother Creepy in jail. She doesn’t appear to be wearing her prison coat, which is interesting- I thought that was her jail uniform. Anyway, Mother Creepy tells Matt that if he visits her one more time, she expects him to make an “honest woman” out of her. Ech. That thought is both disturbing and unnatural. Matt says that he’s there to make an honest woman out of her. I cringe until I realize that by “honest” he just means “tell the truth.” Oh. OK, then. She then belittles him for trying to read her mind, but realizes that his mind control is working on her. She gives it up that Adam killed Nakamura, and explains why they locked him up thirty years ago. She also says that Adam stopped growing old and is now going after all the ElderHeroes. He then points to the unidentified woman at the top of the photo and asks who she is. Mother Creepy’s nose starts bleeding as she refuses to tell Matt the woman’s identity. She says that she promised the woman never to reveal who she is and says that if Matt forces the secret out of her, “you’re not just like your father, you are him.”

We swing over to the beach, where the daughter exchange is taking place. HRG, Veronica Mars and Teeth are in front of HRG’s car and HRG asks Teeth what kind of car he drives. Teeth claims that he has a piece of crap SUV. Dude, when I was your age I was carting around in a six-year-old Toyota when the other kids were driving Jags. Quit yer bitching. HRG says he drove a 1952 Citroen when he was Teeth’s age, and Teeth says, “those things are awesome.” They really are. That would have been a nice bonding moment if we didn’t suspect what was coming.

Mo and Blow pull up in their sinister black van and Blow and Princess Claire step out. HRG takes that opportunity to basically lay out their entire getaway right in front of Veronica Mars! Come on, man! First dude leaves his prints everywhere and now this? He’d never make it on Cops!

Blow un-cuffs Princess Claire and she walks over to the guys as HRG pushes a tied-up Veronica Mars towards her father. Teeth grabs Claire and flies upward, but Veronica Mars shoots some blue crap at them and they fall. Claire lands first so she can save Teeth and regenerate, and unfortunately she doesn’t crack her skull open. HRG shoots Veronica Mars in the arm, but really, he pretty much told her the plan, so what did he expect? Blow calls out for Veronica Mars and runs toward her, giving the first ever indication that he feels anything for her, and HRG informs Blow and Veronica Mars that if Blow dies, the Company dies with him. He aims the gun at Blow, but Mo shoots HRG in the eye as the painting’s prophecy comes true. Princess Claire tries to run towards her father, but Teeth grabs her and flies away.

Teeth and Claire arrive at the Bennet house, where Princess Claire tells him that the last words she ever said to her father were that she hated him. She goes inside to tell her mother as Teeth watches them both cry. Is it me, or did he really not deserve to be there for that? That’s kind of a family moment, you know?

Hiro’s father’s funeral. He refuses to give the eulogy because he doesn’t want to admit that his father is actually dead, and he really lives on the advice he gave his son and the lessons he taught him. Hiro continues to speak about his father as Mo looks down at the gun that killed HRG. Veronica Mars is driving with a bandaged arm. Blow gingerly touches the arm, but Veronica Mars doesn’t look like she’ll be taking him out to a Father’s Day dinner any time in the near future.

Hiro tells us that certain things are in God’s hands and other things we get to choose. Matt looks at the photo and we see that the unidentified woman is named “Victoria Pratt.” Hiro continues to speak about his father as we see him wipe the red paint off the headstone. Mrs. Bennet sits on the kitchen floor as the dog jumps into her lap. Hiro says that as long as his father’s lessons stay with him, his father can never really die.

The scene changes and we see blood dripping through an IV that leads to an arm that turns out to be HRG. His left eye is a hole that’s actually pretty gross, and his right eye is glazed over and filmy. It’s like monster movie lite. The blood travels through his body and his eyes regenerate. He comes to life and bolts upright, and he (and we) realize that he’s back at the Company.

“Holy Sh--!”