THE PATH TO MY HOO (DOESN’T TAKE MUCH)

Yesterday Pathology came out in limited release. Fortunately for me, I live in New York City, so the term “limited release” doesn’t mean jack shit because we get everything. Haha! Suckers. Anyway, the promise of a horror movie plus an hour and a half of Milo without that vapid blond tramp he’s been hanging around with lately meant one thing: Hell Yes.

I imdb’d the movie before I headed out, just to see who else is in it. It’s a pretty cool cast. There’s the dude from Empire Records who’s now on CSI: Miami, the guy who played Benson’s might-be-a-criminal brother on SVU, the hilarious is-he-or-isn’t-he brother from Wedding Crashers and Alyssa Milano, who I always liked. She’s a pretty good actress, and she’s a baseball fan (the Dodgers, but she lives in LA, so it’s to be expected). She keeps a pretty up-to-date baseball blog which, if you’re a fan, you should check out: http://alyssa.mlblogs.com/. Also, Evil Parkman is in it! I didn’t realize that from imdb but I totally recognized him in the movie.

I am so sad.

There’s also a character named “Motherfucker.” Awesome. I’m there.

I head over to the Regal Theatre in Times Square and ask for a ticket, and am informed that it costs 12 dollars. Asphincter says what?! I bend over and give them my money and my soul.

I settle in with the three(!) other people in the theater. I’m really worried that the movie won’t do well and when Milo and I finally move in together, I’ll have to support him. As long as he pays his rent in sexual favors, we’ll be OK.

I get some forgettable trailers, and one that’s memorable because it’s for such a nauseating flick: The Sex and the City movie. That’s a hardcore NO. I am continually baffled by how many women are obsessed with that show. Ugh. Move on, please.

The movie starts- it opens with a woman using a dead body to fake an orgasm. Slightly disturbing- I like this movie. Some dude is like, “women never fake it with me.” Oh, please. They all have, buddy. They all have.

The first time we see the future payer of my child support, he’s making out with Alyssa Milano, and I mean making out. There’s like boob rubbing and everything. The movie’s been on for like five minutes and I’m already getting seriously turned on. Also, the first line in the scene is “Fuck me.” Right on, Alyssa. Right on.

Turns out Milo is a doctor, even though he looks like he’s 18. Most people might find this completely unbelievable, but my cousin is a 34-year-old neurologist who looks like he’s barely out of Driver’s Ed, so I actually thought that was kind of cool. Anyway, Milo’s character is about to start a residency and he’s leaving his fiancee (Alyssa) behind. As soon as he gets to the hospital, CSI dude starts shit with him. Probably because Milo is so hot and the other one is stuck on a show with shitty acting. Bitter much?

So the med students, as it happens, are all sick fucks that have this “game” where they kill people, and Milo’s character gets involved pretty quickly. Nice. We all knew that from the previews, though, so not too shocking. I also expected all the gory stuff- the autopsy scenes are pretty disgusting. There’s a lot of blood, and organs being thrown around, and shit like that. I like horror movies, so it didn’t really bother me, but anyone that doesn’t might want to stay away.

You also might not want to see this movie if you’re expecting to watch Peter Petrelli for an hour and a half. I mean, yeah, he looks like him, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end. By the time the movie’s over we’ve seen Milo kill people, smoke a cigar, get stoned on some weird drugs, make out with some lesbians, have a boatload of hot, kinky sex (complete with an ass shot- BONUS!), and get drunk and puke all over himself. That part wasn’t so hot. He also swears like a sailor. For some reason, that part was a total turn on. Why am I so weird? I basically sat in the theater like, “More shirtless scenes. Let’s go.”

You know it’s more than he gets in real life from his 9-year-old girlfriend. He probably takes her to a movie and her mom is like, “Have her back by 11! And here’s her paper bag lunch.” I doubt the bra’s even been unhooked yet. I’m just saying, he should be with someone closer to his own age. And who is not a tartlet. And who is me.

Ahem. Anyway. Back to the movie. The ending was kind of predictable, but still pretty good. That’s all I can say without giving it away. The bad guy turned out to be a total psycho- I detect a new boyfriend! He totally talks his way into the apartment, which is why I was thinking, “That’s why you need a doorman building,” but whatever.

Overall, my score is a 3.5 out of 5 (the extra .5 is for the ass shot, something we never get on Heroes. They should really look into that). I’m already waiting for the DVD, considering I’m technically single and this movie is HOT.

Fans of horror movies- see it. Fans of Milo- DEFINITELY see it. And thank me later. I like diamonds.